Hurt Feelings

When my friends and I get together we like to play this game where we ask each other probing questions. We’ve appropriately named the game “Candace Questions” Very catchy. I enjoy this game as it allows us to learn previously unknown things about each other. Some of the questions are easy, like what is your favorite drink, and some are funny like telling each other about the first time we drank alcohol and some go deeper. I was lying in bed thinking about what my next “Candace Question” would be and I came up with “What event in my life profoundly hurt my feelings?”. This is my answer.

In 2003 or 2004 my company decided to join a summer softball league. It was supposed to be a casual league with participants who had a variety of skill levels. I took this to mean that most of the teams would be formed with people who had no or little skills and I decided to join the team. It was a mixed gender team and I think that the rules stated that there needed to be an equal amount of men and women on the field during game play. We had a hard time finding enough women in the company that wanted to join the team so we opened up the team to friends and family members. However, there was a rule that if there were enough women from my company outsiders couldn’t participate.

The league began and I quickly realized that softball wasn’t my game. They usually put me in the catcher position but I was scared shitless of the ball and I wouldn’t catch it. When it would fly towards me I would step to the side and let it drop to the ground. I knew that wasn’t the right thing but I couldn’t help myself. Sometimes it would be necessary for me to throw the ball to first base or to the pitcher and that didn’t go well either. It was difficult for me to throw the ball hard enough for it to get all the way to the pitcher. Yep, I had zero athletic ability for softball and basically I sucked. But, I was having fun and creating relationships with my co-workers which was important to me. Especially since the coach was my direct boss.

Fast forward several weeks into the season and I was still having fun despite my inability to play softball at all. We had our weekly game at 7:30pm and I showed up early to warm up and practice. That night one of our team members brought a few friends to help us in case we ran short of women. Luckily, we had just enough women from my company so I didn’t expect the extra women to play.

It came time for the game and our coach called out the team positions and as she finished up I realized that she didn’t call my name. I was a little taken aback and I tried to look at the bright side. I thought she would put me in later in the game. I took a seat on the bench and I cheered for my colleagues.
The game progressed and my boss pretended she didn’t see me. Innings came and went and the extra women were always put in the game. The longer things went the worse I began to feel. I realized they were not putting me in the game because I sucked. I knew I sucked but blatantly ignoring me made me feel bad about myself. As the final innings were called I looked at my boss hopefully but she looked through me and acted as if I was invisible. I could feel the tears begin to sting behind my eyes and I was overcome with emotions.
By the time the game was completed I was sitting silently on the bench and I was working hard to keep the tears on the inside. I hurriedly said bye to my coworkers and the moment I entered the car tears began to stream down my face. I drove out of the parking lot like a bat out of hell because I didn’t want anyone to see me so upset. I thought it was my fault and I deserved to be treated badly. The entire ride home I sobbed and sobbed. I remember going to bed with red sore eyes feeling deeply depressed, angry and hurt.

My old bosses simple act of ignoring me made me feel inadequate about myself for a very long time. I never had any athletic confidence in myself and her response to my inability to play softball just reinforced the fact that I wasn’t good enough to play games with people or participate in any athletic events.

The entire time I worked at that job I always held this action against her. It shook my confidence for a long time and I hated how she made me feel about myself. I am an emotional human and while sticks and stones can break one’s bones actions can cause a deep wound. I don’t think she ever understood how much I was affected by the situation. I also wish I had stuck up for myself. Why didn’t I ask to be put in? Why didn’t I acknowledge her actions and make her feel like the asshole rather than letting her make me feel bad about myself.

 Part of me very slightly understands her motives. I have known people who were competitive about sports and winning was very important to them. However, I never thought our league would attract the super competitive types. I was wrong.

My regret over this situation was that I never talked to her and shared how much her actions hurt me. I wish I had the balls to talk to her about it. I think it would have gone a long way in helping me establish my athletic confidence. It wasn’t until years later that I realized that I had some athletic talent. Softball wasn’t my thing but biking sure was. I was good at it and it was good for me. It also gave me a tremendous amount of personal confidence and a sense of achievement. I knew I sucked at softball but treating colleagues, friends and strangers with respect is much more important than winning a rec league softball tournament. If you’re interested our team came in third out of six teams.

Two Policemen and a Pink Nightie

When I was in my early 20’s I still lived at home with my mom. We lived in a shitty trailer in my small hometown and my life was stagnant. One of the many problems with our abode was that our front door wouldn't stay shut. It would pop open at any moment. Our idea of fixing the faulty door was to wedge a long piece of wood under the door handle at night once everyone was home. Classy right?

One summer night my mom was out with her pseudo boyfriend, Dingy Denny. He drove a semi-truck and she would hang out with him while he worked. I knew my mom would be home super late so I couldn’t wedge the wood under the door before I went to bed. Even though I slept alone, and had no hopes for a boyfriend, I liked to sleep in a short pink silky nightie. I put it on and quickly fell asleep.

Several hours later I was rudely awakened to the sounds of yelling and the feeling of my door falling on me. I should mention at this point that the door to my bedroom never worked. It was supposed to slide back and forth but it would never stay on the tracks. Therefore, if I wanted privacy, which was all the time, I leaned it up against the door hole and hoped it would stay in place. In case you were wondering, this wasn’t the first time I had been woken up by my door falling on me. You would have thought I would have had the sense to move my bed away from the path of the door but I wasn’t that swift.
Anyway, I awoke to the door falling on my body and two men yelling something at me. I can’t remember exactly what they said but when I opened my eyes I saw that they were police officers and they had their guns out and aimed at me. I mumbled something like, “Umm...what..l...where..why?”

I hopped out of bed and cleared my brain and immediately felt embarrassed at my attire. My pink silky nighty was short and skimpy and not something I wore for everyone, my second thought was confusion and then fear. The policemen asked me if I was okay, I said yes, and they lowered their guns slightly but not all the way. They told me my front door was hanging wide open and a neighbor called them to check it out.

The two men left my room to search the house. They started in the living room and then went through the hallway to the bathroom and the other bedrooms. While they were checking out the house I rapidly searched around for my robe and remembered that I left it on the washer that was at the other end of the trailer. I hurried to get it and was embarrassed when my panties peaked out several times as I walked to the washer.

The police finished their scan of our house and found it clear of intruders by the time I grabbed my robe and put it on. I showed them out, shut the door and when back to bed. And yes, I didn’t put the board back under the door because my mom wasn’t home yet. Apparently, this event didn’t impact my psyche and I quickly enjoyed the peaceful sleep of the young, invincible and innocent.

Generosity

I took my three nieces and nephew to The Sky Zone last Sunday afternoon. We all had a great time and enjoyed acting silly. I even jumped with them. I had originally decided to watch the children but at the last minute I purchased my pass and joined in the fun.

After we finished our hour of intense cardio, I had the children accompany me to the grocery store. I told them I would buy them a snack since we were all ravenous. After much discussion I decided to get them a package of peperoni and cheese sticks. After putting the groceries in the trunk of the car I opened the package and counting the contents. Shit, I realized that I didn’t have enough for everyone. There were 4 peperoni sticks and 4 cheese sticks. I looked at the package, gave a small sigh and

handed a pep and cheese stick to each of the children.

The car ride home was only ten minutes so I know I wouldn’t starve and I could wait for a snack till I got there. Then the miracle happened. Sweet Sarah realized that I didn’t have a snack and she shared hers with me.

I was super impressed with her generosity and I hadn’t anticipated that she would realize that I didn’t get a snack. This was the first time I’ve noticed that one of the children wasn’t always thinking of themselves. She got a big hug that day and I was pleased in her growth to becoming a fantastic adult.

Even though this little story wasn’t really about my adventure at The Sky Zone I’ve posted some photos for your enjoyment.

Dance 10, Looks 3

Just a few days ago a friend and I were talking about the rating system. You know the number you assign another person based upon their hotness or a combination of their hotness and other factors. He asked me what number I would assign myself. It was a surprising and shocking question that I had never considered before this conversation. Honestly, I’m not a person who usually judges other based upon their looks and people often laugh at me when I fail to make an observation of a person that was so obvious to them. For example, I seem to never notice when men are bald. However, just like many other human beings I do enjoy a beautiful man although I never rate them or give them a number. It is usually just a comment in my head that he is cute or very appealing.

As soon as this friend asked me this question I immediately knew my answer. But I was a little nervous about telling him. Primarily, because when I said the number to myself in my head it didn’t sound good but it was my honest opinion of myself. As we discussed this topic we brainstormed on the different ways people can rate others.  The first and obvious was looks. When I think of the number rating system this is the only way I had ever thought it was based. However, my friend informed me that he has had several conversations with others and everyone seems to have different ideas on what goes into their final number.

Some of these people included intelligence, personality, having a car, job, house, garage or sense or humor. All of these things were included into the ultimate number they would rate a person. Personally, I don’t believe that. In all my experience I’ve felt that most folks rate other people on their appearance and rarely look for something else.

That is how I came to the conclusion on how I would rate myself. I wanted to give myself a higher number but I don’t think that I deserved it.  I have really wondered about this ever since I’ve said the number to myself. Do I have really low self-esteem? Offhandedly, I would say no. However, this low number may indicate it. Or, am I just realistic. Am I self-aware enough to know what I look like and judge myself on the same scale I would think my peers would judge me?

I know you are all wondering what number I gave myself and I will keep you in the dark no longer. It was a T-h-r-e-e. 3. 3! There I’ve said it. Now the cat is out of the bag. My friend asked me if I was taking everything into consideration when I assigned myself the number but I didn’t. I believe the entire social structure of the rating system is all based upon the physical appearance of the person being judged.

After my decision to give myself a three I wondered what it would take to think of myself of as an eight. Would I have to dramatically change the way I look or would I have to change the way I looked at myself? I know that many of the things in my life happened because I believed that I could do them. Could I do this with the rating system? If I believed I’m an eight am I an eight? I don’t think I’m there yet but it is something I’ll mull over in the next year. For now, I’m a three and I’m living with that.

Huntington Bank

I recently opened up a second bank account at Huntington Bank so I could begin to separate my bill money from my fun money. I saw this as a step to being more controlled about my spending and knowing once the fun money was gone, it was gone and fun had to end until my next payday.

A few weeks ago, I managed to get two random checks and I decided that I would treat myself and deposit them into my new fun account. I put the checks in my wallet and I kept my eyes peeled for a bank branch. Unfortunately, that’s when I discovered the problem. There was no Huntington Bank branch on my daily route anywhere. In the back of my head I knew where to find the closest location, but I couldn’t bring myself to go there. I realized I had a bad emotional connection to that particular bank.

Nine years ago, my mother died of lung cancer. She was diagnosed in April and she passed away in June 2004. One of the tasks I had to do for her while she was very sick was take her to the bank and add my name to her account. I did this so I could take care of her financial matters for her. I remember the experience like it was yesterday. My mom was very frail and could hardly walk because the chemo was quickly killing her. I drove her to the Huntington Bank location in downtown Noblesville and I parked in the handicapped spot. I had to hold her arm and support her as she walked so she wouldn’t fall. It took us forever to get inside the building because her pace was so slow and her lung capacity was shitty.

As she walked, she carried a nasty towel because every few steps she took, she would vomit up yellow stomach fluid. This experience was very near the end of her life, and it was very difficult to be around her because you could see how much she was suffering. When we got inside the building, she looked like she was going to pass out and she had a difficult time talking to the clerk who helped us. By the end of the visit, she wasn’t very coherent and she practically passed out in the car as I drove her home. I had been avoided taking her to the bank because she was declining so quickly. Unfortunately, this particular experience required her presence.

That visit to the bank was when I really let myself realize how sick my mom was. I had known it intellectually, but I didn’t let myself feel it or understand it till then. It has been nine years, and I still haven’t gone to that particular bank location and I don’t intend to.

I find it odd that I had such an intense reaction to the bank so long after her death. I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately, and my dreams have been filled with her. I never had a good relationship with her and I had a hard time dealing with her various mental illnesses, but she was still my mom and part of me wishes she was still here and well.

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to

It was my birthday last month and I decided to celebrate it by throwing myself a party. As I began to plan the party I realized that this was the first birthday party I’ve had as an adult. I’ve had casual get-togethers with friends and family but nothing as formal as a pre-planned party. Plus, I only remember having one friend party as a child. It was a combo party with my brother and it was held at the local skating rink. I was in the fourth grade and my brother was in the second grade. Our mom somehow managed to get our class lists and she prepared us invitations. We were supposed to take them to school and hand them out to our classmates. However, I distinctly remember being too embarrassed to hand them out to the boys at school. I ended up hiding the boy’s invitations in my book bag and I only invited the girls from my class. Apparently, fourth grade was an awkward age for me. My memory tells me that only three or four classmates showed up for me but my little brother had a roomful of friends. As an adult I still fall back on that memory whenever I’ve planned any gathering at my house and I always worry that no one will show up.

A few years ago I was on a girls trip to Florida with three friends, and it happened to be over my birthday weekend. They tried to surprise me while we were there by getting me a cake and singing happy birthday to me. I was mortified. I felt on the verge of tears and I made them stop singing to me. Seriously, I made them stop. It was a ridiculous thing for me to do and I own that, but at the time I wasn't willing to deal with my negative emotions about my birthday.

Ever since I turned 35 I have felt very depressed as my birthday month rolled around. A new birthday would come along and I would realize that I was still stagnant in my life and I haven’t fulfilled my two important life goals. So, I've avoided my birthdays. I haven’t wanted to celebrate them and I don’t remind my friends of the date. I even took the date off of facebook and I've asked the HR people at work to not advertise the date on our employee board or on our website. I keep wishing my birthday wouldn't happen and for time to stand still but it never does.

I decided to take a different route this year because it was a milestone birthday. The big 4-0. I had two choices. The first one was to act like an asshole like I've have for the last several years (ie..not letting my friends sing happy birthday to me) or I could try to embrace my birthday. I chose the later and decided to throw myself a party. Unfortunately, I still had some anxiety that no one would show up or they wouldn't stay for long.Therefore, I called my brother at least eight times to make sure that he, his wife and two of his children would show up so I could be assured that someone would be at my house.

I worked super hard on the day of the party to make tons of food to make sure everyone would have a good time at my house. I made three pans of lasagna from scratch, two meat and one veggie for my vegetarian friends. I made cookies, crab dip and a caramel pretzel dessert. I made carrots with cream cheese and hot apple cider. Basically, I went overboard. I worked for six full hours before the party to get everything ready. I was even in such a panic that I wouldn't be done in time that my brother brought his 13-year-old daughter over to help me, and she was fantastic. She did everything I asked of her and was happy to do it. I was super appreciative of her help.

When my guests started to arrive I finally relaxed and let myself enjoy the gathering and my guests. Everyone seemed to enjoy my food and the party. I think I had between 20 and 25 people show up and most people stayed for the duration of the party. I felt loved. Many people gave me a hug when they arrived and when they departed. I also received some unexpected gifts. Lots of wine and beer but I also received a gold pair of earrings, some flowers, a Starbucks gift card, and a cool candle holder and a mirror for my bike. The presents were very unexpected but appreciated.

I was also surprised with a special Star Trek birthday cake and I LOVED it. I think I even jumped up and down in joy. It was such a surprising and thoughtful gift. Virginia remembered me saying that I’ve always wanted one and she kept that in her memory banks for eight months while she waited for my birthday to arrive. It was tasty as well as being beautiful. I had another friend bring me a three layer chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and chocolate ganache. I was in chocolate heaven and I loved it. I felt so lucky to have two birthday cakes.

In the party invite I gave the guests an option to wear costumes. I don’t like wearing costumes but many of my friends are avid cosplayers and I knew they would enjoy celebrating the holiday by dressing up. Kristine was Lt. Uhura from Star Trek and she had on the classic short red dress and black boots. As a side note she even had to twerk in the short skirt during our game. Someone else had a ‘20’s themed outfit and someone had a long blond wig. I’m sure there were others but I don’t remember that now.

I’m very glad I was able to overcome my past fears. I also know that I have an incredible group of friends. I’ve worked very hard on finding quality caring people to have in my life. Specifically, I’ve found people I can truly be myself around and who are appreciative of my personality traits and like me. The bottom line was that my party was a success and everyone made me feel loved and appreciated.

Overpriced Books

I have a friend who was recovering from a serious surgery and I planned on visiting her Tuesday after work. I wanted to bring her a small gift and after a few minutes of thinking I decided to bring her a couple books unfortunately, that decision meant that I had to visit an actual book store and pay full retail price. I wanted to make this gesture for my friend but it hurt the cheap bastard that lurks within me.

I made it to the bookstore and I picked out two books. As I was making my choices I tried not to look at the prices because I knew it would piss me off. I also wanted to get a third book but I couldn't find the title I wanted and there was no one posted at the help desk so I gave up. So I wondered up to the check out counter to pay for the books.

As the clerk was ringing me up she asked me if I wanted a Barnes and Nobel store discount card. I didn't know anything about the card but I reflexively said no because I rarely frequent a physical book stores. The clerk asked me why and I responded in an honest manner. I told her 95% of my book purchases are made through Amazon and I dislike paying retail price for something I can get cheaper in the mail in two days.

This made the book clerk very mad and we ended up having a ten minute debate on how she needs her job and people should support their local bookstores. I understood her aggravation but I was not interested in supporting a retailer that cannot be competitive. However, we did have an interesting conversation. Plus, she tried to get me to visit the B&N website and use them to make purchases because they match Amazon prices. Her argument didn't sway me and I will continue to give my business to Amazon. They treat me well and I always find it easy to resolve problems with them.

Due to my nerdy accounting nature I couldn't help but do a price comparison of what I paid for my two books at B&N and what I would have paid with Amazon. I don't have my itemized receipt but I spent $22 for "Ender's Game" and "Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail". If I had purchased the books on Amazon and utilized free two day shipping my price would have been $11.88. B&N charged me double that price.  For a person like me who consumes thirty to forty books a year and doesn't bother using the library paying double for books isn't an option.

I felt good that I could get the gift for my friend on a short notice and I didn't mind spending $22 on her. I know that every event and action in my life cannot be preplanned out, but I seriously hate being ripped off and that is how I felt after leaving the book store.

On a side note she was very excited to get Wild and it was in her current reading list but I think that her dad will be the reader of "Ender's Game" and not my friend.

The Cat Empire

I went to the most fantastic concert in July. Okay, I know I say that after every concert but I really mean it this time. I could die tomorrow and and know I've seen the best concert of my life. Yep, it was that good.

The concert was for one of my favorite bands “The Cat Empire”. I discovered them several years ago while watching a terrible (sorry Wyatt) home movie that my nephew posted on YouTube. As I was watching the terrible video I began to love the song that was playing in the background. I remember sending my nephew a text to ask him the name of the band and as soon as he responded I downloaded one of their albums. The next day I downloaded their second album and LOVED it. I remember wishing that they had more music on iTunes. After some research I discovered that they also had an additional album that was never released in the US and it was only available in Australia. I may have spent $40 to order a copy a CD from Australia.

Did I mention that the group was one of the top bands in Australia? I must admit that until I did some research I thought they were THE top band but apparently that is false. They were on the Aussie charts for six weeks starting in February 2013 when their newest album was released. However, I don’t think that really means they are one of the top bands in Australia, but they should be.

Last month I was wasting some time on the internet and I discovered that The Cat Empire was going to have a limited concert tour in the US. My heart rate sped up and my breathing quickened from excitement. After a quick perusal of the list I saw that the closest they were coming to Indy was Chicago. The light-bulb went on over my head and I knew I had to go to that concert. I immediately texted my friend Erica who lives in Chicago to see if she would be willing to put me up for the night and to see if she wanted to go to the concert with me. She was very gracious about giving me a place to stay but she hedged a bit when I asked her if she would go with me. I tried to sweeten the deal by offered to pay for her ticket in exchange for the free lodging unfortunately, she still wasn't interested. I WANTED to go but I also knew I wouldn't want to go alone. It wasn't that I was embarrassed to be alone, I do things by myself from time to time but I really like to share special experiences with other people. For me, many activities just never feel as special as when they are shared with friends or family.

On a whim I texted my favorite concert buddy from Indy to see if she would be interested in going with me. To my absolute surprise and delight she said yes. I couldn't believe she was willing to go with me. I think that was the moment that I actually did the happy dance. I quickly purchased our tickets and made the arrangements for our visit. My friend had never heard of the band but she was willing to give them a try because we have very similar tastes in music and she wanted to visit Chicago.

Plans were made and we headed up to Chicago on Wednesday after a half day of work. We got there early enough to have dinner with my friends and they were generous enough to teach us how to use the train system and let us borrow their transportation cards.

The concert was held at the House of Blues downtown and it was nice to have a chance to visit such an iconic venue. The interior of the building was beautiful and it had the big open dance area for people to stand near the stage. We arrived about 9pm and the opening band, Blackalicous, had just taken the stage. Neither of us were very interested in their music so we found a table in the bar on the second floor to wait for their set to be over. The two guys seemed to have loads of energy and stage presence but their musical style was not my thing and I really couldn't see how they fit with The Cat Empire. I found out at intermission that The Cat Empire sat in a box seat on the third level and watched the opening band’s entire set.

When the opening act was finished we made our way back downstairs so we could stand as close as we could to the stage. I love to be able to see the artists facial expressions because it helps me feel connected during the concert. If I can’t see them I often feel disengaged and start to think about other things. If I am paying my hard earned money to see a concert I don’t ever want to feel like I could be listening to their CD from home.

After about 30 minutes of waiting the lights dimmed, the curtain opened and the band took the stage. They played for and hour and forty five minutes and I was in bliss the entire time. The band had two lead singers and when Felix took the stage and started singing the opening song my heart melted. I immediately developed a schoolgirl crush and LOVED him. He was so beautiful and free and his presence took up the entire stage. He sung and we listened. He had our full attention. I’m sure every straight girl would have gone home with him. Hell, even the gay women would have gone home with him. He was the perfect package. I joked with my friend that if you were lucky enough to take him home with you he must sing in your ear all night. 

So he sang and then Harry would sing. They took turns. According to Wikipedia Harry is credited with having the lead vocals. His voice is very interesting but Felix is the gold of the group. Harry just lacks a bit of stage presence while Felix fills the stage. One of the best things about the concert was how the band worked so well with each other. They introduced everyone twice and every person had a solo so they would have a chance to shine in the concert. You could tell that they were very comfortable working together and were respectful toward each other.

The audience loved the band and music. The room was full of energy and excited people. Most people were dancing and living in the moment. Usually, dancing isn't my thing. I often feel awkward and self conscious but not that night. I just moved my arms and legs and sang when I knew the words. I never took my phone out of my pocket and I enjoyed every minute of the concert. The best part was that I was crushed when they finished. Even though it was midnight and I was tired and my feet hurt I could have stayed in that spot watching the band and dancing all night long.

The people standing around us were very entertaining. There was a young hippie guy next to us who had long brown hair to his waist and he took pleasure in swinging it around and having it touch everyone. He was a super exuberant dancer and he was dripping in sweat. There were was also a wide range of ages and ethnicities. Actually, I was rather surprised to see such a diverse crowd. I thought it would be a young hipster type audience and that wasn't the case. Just a large variety of people and the know how to party hard in Chicago.

There was one point in the concert where Felix

asked us to link arms with our neighbors and sway with them. Then he had us come together to make circles of dancing people in the room. Everyone around me participated. Normally, I wouldn't be too keen on putting my arms around two strange men in a concert but Felix had a way to get us to do what he wanted. I put my arms around the sweaty guys and danced in circles with them. Bizarre! You must think that this strange behavior from me must be attributed to alcohol but it wasn't. I only had one drink all evening. I was doing these uncharacteristic things, like dancing and singing in public, without the power of several Vodka Cranberries.

When the fun ended and the concert was over we made our way to the train to take it back to Erica’s house. When the train arrived cars were crowded and there was no place to sit. Let me remind you that it was 1am on a Wednesday night and the train was full. Apparently, people don’t sleep in Chicago. It was very strange to me to see so many people out and about and active on a school night. So different than Indianapolis. This visit was the first time that I've ever considered moving to Chicago. I loved the little neighborhood where my friends lived near Wrigley field. The public transport was easy to use and the neighborhoods were vibrant and teeming with interesting people.

We arrived at my friends apartment around 1ish and we were both still very excited and revved up from the concert. I think we sat in the kitchen drinking water and talking for over an hour. I know I needed to talk so I could relax enough to sleep for the night. I didn't want to go to bed and just lay their remembering the concert. Mornings suck when that happens.

We did the tourist thing on Thursday. After a leisurely morning we drove up and down Lake Shore drive looking at the lake and downtown. Then we headed into the heart of the tall buildings to park and find some food. We found one street parking space but it was tiny. I mean really small. I tried to maneuver into the spot but after I bumped the other car I knew I couldn't get it in. I let Kristine take over and she finally managed to fit my average car in a tiny little spot. There was much laughing and bumping but we got it in there. For the privilege of parking on the street we had to pay $8 fricking dollars for two hours. I felt robbed. After a delicious lunch I drove us to the Frank Lloyd Wright house in Oak Park so we could tour. This was my second visit to the house but I was still excited to see it and absorb the beautiful architecture.

I managed to get home at 11:15pm on Thursday night with my ass hurting but feeling fantastic. The PTO was well spent and the memory of that concert is going to be in my brain for a very long time.

Sausage

Shit. I accidentally ate meat today. As a payday treat I stopped by McDonald's for breakfast this morning and I ordered the new Egg White Delight McMuffin without the Canadian bacon and a large coffee. I got my food and headed out on the highway. I was still fuzzy from sleep and my coffee was to hot to drink so I ate my hash-brown first and enjoyed the delicious crispy potatoey taste. Then I unwrapped my sandwich and began to eat it mindlessly. About halfway through I looked down and saw I was eating a sausage McMuffin. I thought for a minute and decided "in for a penny in for a pound". I shrugged my shoulders and finished off my sandwich.

The interesting thing was I didn't discover the sandwich mistake by taste. I just took bites and chewed and chewed and chewed. Apparently, I wasn't tasting the sandwich. Just eating. I'll have to remember this incident and be more careful in the future.

Vegetarianism

What is healthy eating? For me, it has always been a hard concept to grasp. How do I look at a piece of food and decide that it is something I should put in my mouth. I often feel that my eating habits are my downfall so almost two week ago I decided to try something new. Vegetarianism. I've always thought about becoming a vegetarian but I’ve never made the conscious decision to go for it.

I was talking to a friend on the phone last week when he accidentally told me something a mutual friend said about me. He said this person commented that I never ordered healthy foods whenever we ate out I always chose the unhealthiest food option on the menu. I was a little stunned when he said that to me. Instead of getting angry I decided to use that information to evaluate myself. I knew when I go out to eat I often order the burger and fries, or a steak and a dessert with a rich side dish and a vegetable rarely graces my plate. When I woke up Sunday morning I made up my mind to not eat meat for the week. I told very few people of my decision because I didn't want to hear their judgments or condemnations. Plus, I didn't know how long it would stick and if it was the right decision for me.

In preparation for my new interest I spent several hours pouring over my cookbooks trying to find tasty ways to prepare vegetables. Was that an oxymoron? Was there such a thing as a tasty vegetable? All I could think about while I was reading the cookbooks was that it would never taste as good as a cheeseburger. Or Ice cream or cookies or bacon. When I was looking for recipes I concentrated on recipes where the vegetable was the star. I didn't want to give up meat to load up on carbs or fats.

The food party started on Sunday with a trip to two stores and for fun I dragged a friend along for the ride. We started out at Costco where I grabbed several items, kale, almond butter, broccoli, quinoa tabolui, water softener salt and cat litter. I know the last two items are not food but they were a pain in the ass. I couldn't lift the water softener salt off the pallet at the store and I had to use my limited supply of charm to get a stock-person to help me put it in the cart. Also, when I was finished I had 200 pounds of salt and 40 pounds of cat litter and the cart and it was frickin heavy.

After I heaved the heavy load into my car I cajoled my companion into joining me for shopping part deux at Walmart. The first thing I discovered was that Walmart was not the best place to go when you are looking for healthy foods. They have aisles upon aisles of cookies, candies, boxed meals and frozen pizzas. Basically, all the bad food was tempting me from many sides so I had to don my iron will and not put a box of cookies or ice cream into my cart.

When I got home on Sunday night I spent three hours preparing food so I could start the week out on the right foot. The first thing I wanted to make was a zucchini muffin thing. It wasn't exactly a muffin but they were supposed to be made in a muffin pan. I used a cheese grater to grate two large zucchini and onions. I also added garlic, salt and pepper, cheese, egg and some breadcrumbs. I was very proud when I looked down at my dish and at the last minute I decided to grate up the final zucchini and add it to the bowl. Unfortunately, that was when disaster struck.

clank..clank..clank

Yep, that was the sound of the mixing bowl falling out of my hand, hitting the chair and falling upside down on the kitchen floor. Disgusting. I almost burst into tears to see an hours worth of work and several days worth of food upside down on the floor. FUCK! The food couldn't be salvaged as it was wet and stick and properly stuck to the floor. With a look of disgust on my face I got the little broom out and scoped it all into the trash can. At least I had one remaining zucchini left and I was able to remake the dish in a smaller quantity.

After I finished the second batch of the zucchini mixture I made a last minute decision to bake it in a flat glass pan and not in a muffin pan. I made this decision primarily because I didn't want to crawl on the floor looking for the muffin tins. When that was in the oven I moved on to my next task. Kale Chips. Sounds yummy right. Okay, not really but I was willing to give it a shot. I took the fresh kale out of the package and put it in a bowl and I added some garlic, oil and salt and stirred it up. Then I placed in on a baking sheet and put it on the oven. Super easy dish.

While those two things were cooking I started on my lunches for the week. A friend, Layla, gave me a bean soup recipe several months ago that I made for a company function and it proved to be tasty. The dish included one can of the following items: corn, black beans, pinto beans, rotel tomatoes, and diced tomatoes. It also has one packet of ranch dressing and taco seasoning. I put it all together and let it simmer on the stove for about an hour.

About this time I looked around and realized that the ENTIRE kitchen was a disaster. Things were everywhere. Ingredients were open all over the counters and food particles were on the floor. Gross. I shook my head and checked on the two items in the oven. I flipped the kale over so it could cook on the other side and shut the oven.

While I was waiting for the the food in the oven I cut up some strawberries to add to my lunches. A few minutes later the timer dinged and the kale chips were ready. Hmm...it looked weird. The kale had dried out, which was the idea I guess, and they looked like fall leaves. Really, they looked like perfectly shaped fall leaves.





At that moment the roommate came out of her cave room and walked in the kitchen. The look on her face while she asked me the next question was priceless. "What the hell is that?" I replied that it was my dinner and shrugged my shoulders. I held up a leaf and offered her the first bite but she declined. I popped the leaf into my mouth and I felt it crumble up into tiny pieces as I chewed and I told the roommate that it was yummy. It wasn't entirely yummy but I still ate it. I filled my plate with leaves and walked into the living room. The roommate watched me the entire way and couldn't stop laughing. Apparently, me saying my dinner was a plate of kale was too much for her to take. I could see where she was coming from. It looked odd and not anything at all like dinner.

But that was the point. I was trying to move out of my food comfort zone and try some new things. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't. The zucchini dish turned out pretty well. However, I did wish I had cooked it in the muffin tins so all the edges got crunchy but it had a nice flavor and it was filling. I think I would try that recipe again with a few tweaks.

After I finished eating it took me an hour to clean up the kitchen. Damn, cooking was hard work. Plus, I had to mop the floor from the zucchini disaster. The last thing I did before bed was prepare the ingredients for my breakfast smoothie. Since I'm not a morning person I thought it was a good idea to measure out all the ingredients into a glass so I only had to pour it into the blender in the morning. Then I went to bed.

Monday morning started as usual. My alarm rang for 45 minutes while I ignored it and stayed in bed half asleep. When I finally rolled out I had to rush to get to work on time. After my shower I wandered into the kitchen to make breakfast. I took the glass out of the fridge and held it over the blender.

Nothing happened.

I tried to shake the glass but it was stuck. Guess what happens when the last ingredient you add to the glass is almond butter and then you add refrigeration. Right. That shit was stuck. After some prodding with a knife I got most of it out and into the blender. Then I took the container of frozen bananas out of the freezer. Oops, apparently I could have done a better job freezing the bananas. They were all stuck together and I had to chisel them with a knife to get them out of the pan. After my initial difficulty the smoothly tasted pretty good.

I think the first week went pretty well and I was happy with my decision. There were several more food adventures but I will include them in an upcoming blog post. I find that making my mind up to start a new adventure is often the hardest part but once I've made the decision I can usually stick to it. Its been 13 days and so far so good.

Kentucky Fun

In April the four "C"'s took a trip to Louisville for a weekend. Ok, all our names don't start with a C but they all sound the same. Karen, Kristine, Casey and Candace. The original idea was to go to Louisville for the Derby but after some research we decided that wasn't such a good idea. The tickets were expensive and if you purchased the affordable tickets you couldn't see the race. Therefore, after some discussion we decided to go the weekend before the derby so we could see some horse-racing but not be in the middle of craziness.

Our first stop in Louisville was the Churchill Downs museum. It was a central place for us to start our touristy fun unfortunately there was one slight problem. Louisville was holding their annual marathon that morning and most of the roads were closed around the racetrack. After a few minutes of aimless driving we stopped and I got out of the car to talk to a police officer directing traffic. I was sure he would know the best way for us to get to the museum. Nope! It turns out that he wasn't interested in giving us directions but there was a guy standing around that helped us out. The police office let us cross the barricaded road and the stranger led us through the mess and to the museum. Ok, sort of. We found the museum but parking was a bitch. We drove around for fifteen minutes looking for the right person to tell us where to park. We saw the parking lot but the entrance eluded us and it was annoying.

This is a statue of famous horse jockey Pat Day. The legend around the statue is that he always wanted to be five feet tall and he finally fulfilled that wish with this statue. It is just a little larger than life size.

 This horse was a ham. He knew people were taking photos and he posed for all the tourist. He seemed to love the attention.

 After the museum we headed over to the Brown Hotel for lunch. We all had Hot Browns and derby pie for lunch and this was the best meal we had all weekend. Super super awesome and not to be missed.

 After lunch we walked around the beautiful historic hotel and posed for several photos.

 I wanted to be queen for the day.

We were scheduled to go on a historic home tour after lunch but we ran out of time.I decided I still wanted to go on a tour and we found the historic home area and took a walk around a few blocks. The homes were old and beautiful and had tons of character and I wish I had taken some photos. Perhaps one day I will have the means to purchase a lovely old house.

After our walk we drove to our lodging. Karen found this fantastic B&B and we stayed in the large attic room. It included a big bedroom, a sitting room and a smaller bedroom. There was plenty of room for the four of us. This large four poster bed was so tall that I needed to use the footstool to climb to the top.

 This little table and chairs was also in the bedroom and there was sherry in the crystal decanter.

 The next morning I took a walk around the grounds and found the cute little gazebo room. I walked up, looked in the window and immediate backtracked to the driveway. When I looked in the window I saw a fluffy white wedding dress and a black tuxedo crumpled on the couch. Apparently, the room was very occupied and I was just looking in their windows. Oops.

 The old house had a gorgeous front porch. It had a nice view of the yard, trees and neighborhood. Honestly, once I sat in the chair I never wanted to leave it. It was so peaceful and relaxing. I could imagine spending hours sitting in the chair and reading books.

 After our cooked to order breakfast we headed out to try some Bourbon. We found a free Bourbon tour and tasting about an hour south of Louisville. As soon as we stepped out of the car at the Four Roses Distillery we could smell the yeast and my mouth began to water. All I could think about was yeast rolls with honey butter. Unfortunately, they didn't serve us rolls but we did get to taste four different Bourbons.

 The winner is....The Four Roses Small Batch.  Yummy!  I could imagine myself sipping it on a cold evening sitting by the fire.

It was a great weekend trip with great friends and I hope it will be repeated often.

The Friend Zone

A friend sent my writing group a notice of an online publication that was accepting flash fiction stories for publication. The email inspired me to write a story called "The Friend Zone" and I submitted the story to Fireside Magazine at the end of April. Today, I got the following rejection letter.

"Dear Candace,

Thank you for your submission of "The Friend Zone" to Fireside, but we've decided not to accept it for publication. Please forgive the form letter, but due to the high volume of submissions we can't respond personally on each story. We appreciate your interest in Fireside.

Sincerely,

X X"

Boo!  That wasn't how I wanted to start my Monday morning.  However, now that my submission was rejected my loyal blog readers get to read my story.

Enjoy!

The Friend Zone

By csrulebreaker

Yvette knew she was attracted to Joel the first time she saw him in the dark pub. He wore faded jeans, a Star Trek t-shirt and a red Live Long and Prosper ball cap. She loved men who sported well-loved and fitted ball caps. Something about seeing the hat on his head and how it framed his face made her feel alive and interested.

Yvette had been a member of the weekly trivia group for three years and this was the first time she encountered a man who was cute and shared her love of Star Trek. She was seated at the opposite end of the table from Joel and she didn’t have much opportunity to talk to him. However, she spent the rest of the night ignoring the trivia and daydreamed about Joel.

She called her three closest friends the next week before trivia to have them help her figure out the best way to connect with Joel.  Quickly, they decided the best option was for everyone to arrive early and to leave only one seat open right next to her.  While she was at work that week she found herself doodling his name on her notepad and daydreaming about their next encounter. The more she thought about him the more infatuated she became however, she didn’t want to enter the dreaded friend zone with him. That was always her big move and her biggest mistake.  To boost her confidence on Thursday she wore her Star Trek t-shirt, earrings and panties.

Her plan worked and she and her friends arrived well before Joel. When he arrived he took the only available seat, right next to her, and both games began. She was nervous and excited. As they started their conversation she could almost hear her heart melting and feel herself fall into infatuation. Yvette asked him about his favorite Dr. Who episode and the conversation flowed easily between them. He was shy but willing to share his personal information and she soaked up everything she could learn from him. However, she couldn’t tell if he was interested.  He seemed to treat her the same way he treated everyone else.  Was that an indication of disinterest or was he shy around women?

The third week Yvette saw Joel was pivotal. She had a plan. She had a horrible habit of falling into the dreaded friend zone with every man she met. She would talk to them, be friendly and attentive but nothing. Often he would date one of her friends and her fragile heart would be crushed. She knew whatever happened that she didn’t want to fall into the friend zone with Joel and she decided to ask him on a date. She wouldn’t normally be so bold and ask a man out but she didn’t want to repeat her past mistakes. That was her “goto” move. Make friends and hope it would turn into something better.  Up until this point that tactic allowed her to make many friends and no boyfriends. She decided it was time for a change.

The evening went well.  The group came in second place in that week’s trivia challenge and she kept up a friendly banter with Joel. At the end of the evening she lingered around the table and hoped to have a private word with him. Her heart pounded out of her chest and her hands were cold and clammy. She took a deep breath and blurted out, “Joel, would you like to meet for drinks tomorrow night?”

“Sure, who else will be there?”

What-the-hell! She looked directly at him and said, “Just us. Usually, only two people go on a date.”

“Um, uh.Um. Ok, good. That sounds good. See you tomorrow night.”

She thought carefully before she dressed for the date. She wanted to get the right mix of cute and nerdy while incorporating sexy. She wanted to be viewed as an available woman and not as a friend. She decided to wear her low rise, perfectly faded jeans with a tight black scoop neck top with a tiny Star Trek symbol on the right side. She added her best geek jewelry and even spent forty-five minutes preparing her makeup. After a few minutes of indecision, she decided to go for the black knee high boots and not the sneakers. She had to keep reminding herself that she wasn’t trying to make a new friend and she needed to make a serious attempt to be attractive.

She arrived ten minutes early and he was already there. She smiled to herself and walked over to Joel sitting at the long mahogany bar. He got up as she walked over and pointed to a two person booth in the corner. She was impressed that he decided to move to a more intimate space with her.

As soon as they sat down the conversation flowed smoothly. They had so many interests and hobbies in common. She often had intense and enjoyable conversations with people but it felt different with Joel. The words and opinions came out of her mouth so easily. There was never a lull in the conversation or an awkward moment and she felt her attraction mounting as the evening progressed.

The pub began to thin out and Yvette realized they had sat and talked for four and a half hours. That was an amazing amount of time to spend on a first date, but it was time for it to end. Yvette got up and Joel followed her outside to her car. She turned around to say goodnight and she was swooped into his arms. He gave her a passionate kiss that lasted forever. Yvette’s mind turned off during the kiss and she fell into the moment. When the passion subsided Joel gave her a bear hug and put her in the car.

The date was a success and Yvette was thrilled. She had successfully avoided the dreaded friend zone.

Naked Boobs and other not so obscene disappointments!

Dali Atomicus (1948) by Halsman

The above photo is a reproduction of a famous photograph that features Salavador Dali jumping in the air. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this print! I saw an article about it online and as soon as I saw it I knew I needed to buy the print. I discovered allposters.com and I took a deep breath and spent $100 for a framed version. I've had it in my house for the last seven years and I have never been bored by it. When I was upgraded to an office last November I knew it was the one item that I wanted to transition from my house to work.
The print has been hanging in my office for the last five month and it has generated a positive response.  People often stop by and ask me about it and the recognize Dali. On Wednesday it's peaceful existence ended and I was asked to take it down. Apparently, there are two sets of naked boobs in this print. Stop now and find both of them!

Did you find them? Apparently, someone at work saw the naked boobs got upset and complained to HR. They were offended by the boobs. Then my boss had to give me a talk. He walked into my office and stared at the print for at least five minutes before he spoke. While he was standing there I just kept working  and briefly wondered what he was doing but I knew he would eventually speak. When he found the boob problem he shut my door and told me I had to take it home while laughing heartily.

I was in trouble but not serious trouble and the boss found it funny but I still had to take it home. I was bummed that the one thing that said something about me in my office had to be removed.