Every time she says encouraging things like “There is no CAN’T in Candace” I have a messed up tape in my head that says I can’t do stuff. However, with her encouragement and my ignoring the bad tape I began a couch to 5K program about four weeks ago. This week I am working on the week four workout redux. This workout has me running twice for five minutes. FIVE WHOLE MINUTES WITHOUT STOPPING. I think that will be a little less than .4 mile and very hard. During this week’s interval I am running a total of 16 of the 21 minutes. FYI…four weeks ago I would have said that was impossible.
Even though I have achieved what I deemed impossible a mere four weeks ago I still cannot possibly conceive of running 13 miles when five minutes is a challenge. But why?
A few weeks ago I was at a Rock Band party with several friends and I was playing the drums. The drums are my nemesis. They are hard for me and I don’t seem to correlate the sound of the drum stick hitting the drum to the pictures of the notes on the screen. If the beat is slow I can muddle my way through, but if it gets faster I cannot stay on beat. Sigh!!!
So I was playing the drums and I decided to play on the medium level for a while as I usually lounge in the easy level. I failed out. Not just once but I failed out three times in one song and that kicked me out of the song. Hm… I commented to my friends that in the year that I have been playing Rock Band I have never failed out of a song.
The first response I got was “If you have never failed out of a song then you must have never pushed yourself” and the others in the room nodded in agreement (I should mention that the room was full of athletic competitive males). At the time I ignored the comment off but I find that it is still haunting me.
If I have never failed….then I must have never pushed myself.
I quit running last year after two weeks. Was that failing or quitting. I suspect quitting. Why do I think it is better to quit than to fail?
Should I look at this as a challenge? I really really have a hard time believing that I could run 13 miles. I guess I could run and walk it but I WOULD NOT want to be picked up by the loser bus. Really…there is such a thing. If you don’t keep a pace to finish in an 18 minute/mile minimum pace they make you get on the loser bus. That would be four hours start to finish. Eeek. FYI my comfortable walking pace is a 20 minute mile.
It is interesting to me that I am scared of a 13 mile run but I think nothing of starting a 66 mile ride on my bike and I know that I will finish no matter what. I no longer have any fear of what I can accomplish while cycling and I often think that I am Superwomen and I can do anything. This is not the case with running.
Is it really fear that is preventing me from entering? Am I really afraid of failing. I think it is everything. I still don’t know. Like most people I really hate the feeling of failure. On a bike ride this summer I was scheduled to ride the 50 mile course and I discovered that my legs and body did not want to cooperate with me that day so I ended up doing the shorter course of 30 miles. I felt like a quitter and a failure all at the same time. It was horrible and I don’t want to repeat that feeling. Plus my friends got sick of me complaining about how horrible it was that I ONLY rode 30 miles.
Perhaps I should start with a smaller goal. Say running an entire 5K before I commit to a half marathon.
