Judgements

I really hate being judgmental and I try to see things from a variety of perspectives.  I try to see what the other person is thinking and I try to respect their opinion.  But...I have a friend who has really pushed the boundaries of my ability to not judge.  She told me a story a few weeks ago that made me evaluate my personal values and beliefs. 

She told me that she had been dating a guy and after a few weeks discovered that he was a distant relative.  Fourth cousins...I think.  Their grandmothers are sisters.  Then she told me that she just found out that he is married.  The hard part of the conversation was that she was going to continue to see him.

See...it is hard to not immediately condemn her for her choices.

I listened to her story and I tried to clear my head of the preconceived notions that society has said is appropriate behavior.  I think the idea of dating a fourth cousin was a bit weird but it didn't really bother me.   I was able to move on but I was stopped by the idea of dating a married man.  Some of our conversation revolved around the idea that if it wasn't her as the other women then it would be someone else.  That is true but you still have to live with your actions.  I personally don't think I would be able to live with myself if I decided to enter into a relationship with a married man. 

But..what should I think about my friend?  Should I judge her and not talk to her anymore?  No...I wouldn't do that.  But I did listen to her and tried to hear things from her perspective.  She fully admitted that she knew it wasn't OK behavior but she was going to proceed.  I thought about that statement and then I found a way to relate it to myself.  I think there are a ton of things that I do that I know are not good for me (like eating bad food) that I continue to do.  The big difference is that behavior doesn't effect anyone else.  If I overeat every day I just get fatter.  But if my friend dates a married man and the wife finds out then that hurts the guys wife.

That was my primary objection to seeing a married man. I don't want to do things that would purposefully hurt another person.  That is what I told her but I also know I cannot control what another person does.  The best part was that she felt comfortable having this conversation with me because she thought I was a non-judgmental person.  She has loads of other friends that would immediately judge and condemn her for her actions.  I really appreciate her confiding in me and creating a great thought provoking conversation.

Marriage & Friendship

I was talking to my brother about the commitment of Marriage this morning and how to him, it is the glue that keeps his relationship working.  It was an interesting conversation and it made me think. 

The conversation started with me telling him that I couldn't imagine ever getting married.  He asked why?  I just said it wasn't something that I could see for myself at any point in the near or distant future.  He seemed surprised and I think that wasn't something he expected me to say. What started as a marriage conversation quickly turned to a conversation about the nature of relationships. 

Part of his viewpoint on this topic revolved around conflict resolution.  He feels it is easy to end relationships outside of marriage and that marriage is the glue that reminds people to work on their problems.

Quote from Lou, "The commitment of marriages helps force the meeting or at least the understanding of each others view points.  My wife and I will never agree on everything all of the time but we have the commitment to each other to continue to work on the issues that arise."

Lou thinks it is much harder to end a marriage than it is to end a long term relationship because there is only implied commitment.  I don't really look at it that way. I feel that the commitment is in your heart and not on a piece of paper.  So why would it be necessary to have a marriage certificate that says you are committed to that other person.

This made me think of a current problem in my life.  I had a friendship that recently imploded.  I felt that I tried to work through our problems but the other person found it easier to end the friendship than to work on fixing the problem.  Was this due to a lack of "commitment" in our friendship.  I realize that friendships are different than marriages but I have seen so many strong long lasting friendships and very few strong long lasting marriages.  From my experience I feel that you have to work towards things that are hard and important to you.

So what do you do?  How long to you try to work on your problems with the other person until you just give up.  I feel that I have done everything I could do to salvage our friendship.  I even did something extremely out of character and fairly confrontational.  I dropped by her house without warning so we could talk.  She appeared to be shocked by my appearance and also not interested in talking to me.  I am not sure my surprise appearance helped anything.   Is this the point in which I give up?  It is very apparent that this person wants nothing to do with me.  How hard do I fight for this friendship?  Should I fight?   IDK.  I want to fight but I keep hitting a brick wall.

The other great insight that brother Lou had to offer was the similarity in our personalities (the friend and I).  We are both stubborn people and he thinks that neither of us are willing to bend to the friendship needs and that is the reason we are not able to move forward.  Plus he thinks neither of us are willing to see each others viewpoint or accept each other as we are.  Wise words from my twice married brother.

What is the implied commitment in friendships.  When I decided to be a close friend to someone I feel I am in that friendship for the long term.   I have several people who I consider close friends and those friendships haven't been perfect.  There have been bumps in the road and bad feelings on each side.  In each case I knew I wanted to find a way to fix those friendships and it usually involved an apology and real forgiveness.  But forgiveness was the true key.  Without true forgiveness I don't think you can move forward in any relationship, friendship or marriage.

Thanksgiving in Evansville

 This was my weekend! 

Perfect Food - I should mention that I made this beautiful Apple pie and it was delicious.

There was food.  Tons and tons of food.  I ate all the time.  I went to Evansville with Ems and Z to visit Ems parents for Thanksgiving weekend.  Her mom fed us all of the time.  She was always in the kitchen cooking and making breakfast or lunch or dinner or a snack.  Then she would be doing the dishes from some scrumptious meal.  I was happy.

I have never spent Thanksgiving with anyone other than immediate family.  This felt the same.  Except....better.  Everyone got along and co-existed well.  It was like we were always on the same page.  We knew when it was time to talk, when it was time to be quiet, when it was time to walk the dog and when it was time to play a game.  My family holidays were never this serene.  There was always some tension in the room or some bad feeling.  I don't remember ever having such a relaxed and stress free holiday weekend (sorry Lou).

We played Rock Band sometimes and Mexican Train Domino's sometimes and watched Football sometimes.  The weekend was all about relaxation and doing as we wished.  We went to see the newest Harry Potter movie and also went to see the special holiday light display.  There was talk about visiting the circus but what idea was quickly and quietly veto'ed.

I had a suitcase.  A L-A-R-G-E suitcase.  I like to have lots of options when I travel.  I realized something important about myself on this trip.  I don't like to decide what I am going to wear in advance.  What if I don't feel like wearing that t-shirt on Saturday.  What if I am cold or hot or want to dress up.  So I pack options.  Plus I don't like to wear clothes more than once.  If I wore a pair of pants all day Friday I don't want to wear them again on Saturday.  They are dirty!  So I had a large suitcase and it was filled.  Um....it was the size of both of my companions suitcases put together.  So I have a quirk.  Ok...this is one of many quirks but still...love me for my quirk.

Ems father has a big wooden block in his back yard for hatchet throwing, BB Gun and Crossbow shooting.  I was immediately intrigued.  The first time I visited I mentioned about four times how much I would like to throw the hatchets but no one ever really got the hint.  I made sure they understood my desire to play with these toys on this trip.  Ems dad thought I should start with the BB gun.  Whoop!!!!

 Look at me holding the gun all serous.  I was trying to aim at this tiny little target about fifteen feet away.

 He taught me how to put the safety on the gun as well as load it with a round of six pellets.  It took about two times but I understood the concept.  I aimed and fired.  And fired and fired.  Bam...I felt a pellet hit me in the stomach...then in the leg...then I heard them fall behind me into the leaves.

 I figured out that the pellets were ricocheting off the wood and back towards my body.  I decided if they were hitting me then I was hitting the target fairly square.  Do you notice the addition of safety glasses to my outfit.  Apparently someone was worried that I would "shoot my eye out".  W.  I kept shooting the rounds and I kept getting better and better.  I noticed that most of the dents in the wood were directly above the target so I made one final correction and I was on track.  I hit the paper target with with every pellet from my final round of ammo.  AWESOME!  I should mention that this was the first time that I have every shot any sort of gun or even held one.  Woot!

The second to last round of ammo got stuck in the chamber so Ems dad had to come back and get it unstuck for me.  Oops.  I think it was just a bad round and not a user error;)

When I was done with the six rounds of ammo he brought out the best toy ever.  The crossbow.  I have never held anything like it before.  It was awesome.  The rear sight was broke off the bow but I still had great aim.  I guess I have natural long distance eyesight because I got most of my arrows in the target and not just in the wood.  I really enjoyed this activity.  It felt good to learn something new.  I should mention that Ems dad wouldn't let me load the crossbow.  Apparently, he was afraid that I would somehow shoot a bow in my hand and require a trip to the hospital.  I was just happy that he was patient and stood there while I played with his toy.

Look at that!  This was on my third round of arrows.  It is so close to the blue triangle.  So close.  Perhaps next time I will make it in the center.

After being around my two good friends four days in a row if felt lonely when I came home.  My house was so empty and there was no one to talk to.  That feeling cements the fact that it was a super awesome weekend with super awesome people.  I love having friends that understand me and I understand them and we can all get along so well.  I couldn't think of a better way to spend four days.  Ok...one little thing was missing.  But she will come out again in the spring.