I am NOT a Plumber

Last week the inside portion of my toilet handle snapped.  It was a clean break but this meant that I couldn’t flush the toilet using the handle. I had open up the back lid and stick my hand inside to lift the flapper.  Sigh!  Sigh!  I hate fixing things.  But, I hate broken things much more.

The first thing I decided to do was call brother L and ask him to come over and fix it for me.  The following is a paraphrased version of our conversation.

C:  My toilet is broke.  Can you come and fix it?

BL:  Explain how it is broken.

C:  Explanation

BL:  Um…no you can fix that yourself.

C:  But I don’t want to. (whiny voice)

BL:  Seriously, it is a two minute fix.  It would take me longer to drive to your house than it would take me to complete the repair.

C:  But, I don’t know how.

BL:  It is simple and I know you can do it.

C:  But, I don’t want to! (more whiny voice)

BL:  Too bad…do it yourself.

Sigh!  Sigh!  Sigh!  I guess this meant I needed to fix the toilet myself.  The next day I took myself to Lowe’s after work and I soon became overwhelmed at the amount of repair items in the plumbing aisle.  I got the attention of an employee and he helped me pick out the right thing.  The new piece seemed pretty simple and theoretically easy to install.  Theoretically is the key word of that sentence.  I removed the broken piece  easily and then I began to try and fit the metal piece through the hole.  Good .  Then I tried to fit the plastic bracket in the hole in the toilet.  Guess what??  It didn't exactly fit.  I tried pushing it in.  I encountered some resistance so I push a bit harder.  Snap!  This is the sound the new piece made as I broke it. 

Fu*k   Fu*k    Fu*k

I guess it didn’t fit into the hole.  After a closer inspection I realized that the mounting piece was a touch too large to fit in the hole.  OK so day 1 of this repair was a FAIL.  But I didn't feel too bad as I discovered I had a much better understand of the inner workings of my toilet.

The next day I went back to Lowe’s and I explained my problem to the worker and he gave me a slightly different piece that might work with my brand of toiled.  As I drove home and I had hopeful thoughts that the repair was going to be a snap.  Negative Houston! 

This time the piece did fit in the hole great but the plastic piece that lifts the flapper was too long or it was shaped wrong because it was too close to the front portion of the tank.  I looked at the piece and I saw notations on it that said you could cut it to fit.  I took it to the kitchen and grabbed a steak knife and I started to saw at the plastic.  In hindsight this doesn’t seem like a good plan.  I could not saw through the plastic but I did end up bending it back and forth and finally snapping the end off.

I took the shorter piece back to the bathroom and I discovered that it was still too long.  A little more work with the knife and some bending and viola the piece was now about 1.5 inches long.  Yea...1.5 inches.  But at least it fit in the toilet without rubbing the edge.  Score.  Now I tried to attached the plastic flapper piece to the new arm.  Problem Houston because the hole is too small.  The hole is small and rectangular and the flapper is larger and a triangle.  I tried all kinds of things to get it to fit.  Pushing it.   I tried attaching some dental floss to use as a mini rope to pull it through the hole.  That did NOT work.  I tried using my tweezers to pull it through the hole but I couldn’t reach it.  It just didn’t fit.  Damn Damn Damn.  You know rectangles and triangles do not fit together.

I believe I threw some sort of fit in the bathroom when I couldn't get it to work.  Luckily no one was there to witness the long stream of curse works that left my mouth or the vast amount of foot stamping.  After I had calmed down a bit I decided to remove this old toiled bowl cleaner thing that was installed in the back of the tank.  A long long time ago it contained cleaner but it had long since run its course.  Done.  It was removed and I felt like I could do that one little thing.  

I went to bed angry with not solution in sight.  The next morning I got up, used the bathroom and got ready to get in the shower.  Don't imagine it too much but this did involve removing my clothes.  I lifted the back of the tank to manually lift the flapper and I had a rude awakening.  Splat!  This was the sound the very COLD water made as it hit me in the chest.  I didn't know what to do with the little tubes that fill the tank and they were just flopping about wildly in the tank.  So not only did I have to manually flush the toilet I also had to duck from the water fountain that came out the toilet tank.

I guess I made the bad situation worse.  Now, I didn't even want to use the bathroom as it was way too much trouble.  This plan involved me drinking less water and pop when I was at home.

As I was driving to work I decided that the situation warranted a second call to brother L.  This time my whining and ignorance worked and he agreed to come over and fix it for me.  However, it took some coaxing and begging.  A few days later I procured a third handle and a complete toilet repair kit.  I wanted to be prepared for any problem when L came by.  He installed the new handle in 5 minutes, shoved the water feeding tubes in their hole and lowered the tank water level.  The funniest part was L was wearing a blue and white stripe shirt that looked like a repairman work shirt.  All it needed was a patch for his name.  It cracked me up.

The reason I couldn't get the second lever to work was because I should have bent it out and not cut it off into a tiny stump.  So I believe in the future I could install a new handle.  Woo Hoo....but I am not guaranteeing that I could fix anything else inside there.  It is complicated!

Home Time with Lou and Candace

I used to love to watch the home improvement show Home Time a long long long time ago.  I remember recording (VHS not DVR) the shows and anticipating watching them when I would come home from work.  I wanted my daily dose of  Dean and that that seasons co-hostess (Ok...I just cannot remember her name).  I would watch these shows and imagine what it would be like to live my own house and be able to repair household items.  I remember watching them install a toilet one time and thinking to myself, I could do that.

Today Lou and I reenacted an old time version of this show and we added a bit of the three stooges for comic relief.  Hmmm....I also don't remember so much profanity when it was showed on PBS, perhaps that was included on the Lifetime version?

Tuesday evening I was in the kitchen and the roommate remarked that the hot water heater seemed to be making an unusual amount of noise.  I listened and said that it sounded OK to me.  Honestly, I wasn't interested in that topic as I was on a short break from Oblivion and I didn't want to be disturbed.  About an hour later I came out of my video game haze and I realized that I could hear the hot water heater in my bedroom.  Crap!  I could no longer ignore the problem.

I wandered into the utility room to investigate and I gave a long sigh.  I called my handy brother to get his opinion.  I held the phone up to the heater so he could hear the popping sound.  He advised me to turn the electricity off.  I looked around and I saw no off switch and I got confused. I asked Lou where they would locate the off switch and with a bit of forced patience in his voice he replied that I needed to shut it off on the breaker.  Ohhhhhhhh.  Wow, it may have taken me a while to come to that conclusion.  After a brief discussion I told him I would call the repair number in the morning.  The company that installed the heater  placed a sticker on the front so I could call them for repairs.  Good marketing strategy. 

Wednesday morning came and I tentatively looked at my bathroom.  I was really hoping to have a hot shower and surprisingly I wasn't disappointed.  That thing must have some serious insulation because there was enough hot water for me to take a full shower.  After I was dressed I started on the dreaded task of calling the repair man.  I always hate making those types of calls.  I took a deep calming breath and I dived right in.  I spoke to the man and explained to him the situation.  He diagnosed the problem as being a calcium build up on the elements and that he could fix this for me for $250.  If I wanted to replace the two thermostats the total cost would be $300.  Uggg....really.  I didn't want to spend the money, but the need for hot showers outweighed my desire to spend my money on new electronics.  I told the guy I would think about it and let him know.

I called Lou and gave him the news and then he said the best thing ever.  He had to do this same repair on his water heater several months ago so he thought he could fix it for me.  Woo HOOOOOO!!!!  Go Lou!!!!  I did some research on getting the parts necessary and I arranged to have Thursday off of work.  When I told one of my bosses about the home repair and that I was going to do it with my brother I got quite an incredulous look.  The expression told me, "Hire a repairman...Dumb-ass!"  I refrained from giving him the finger as I still need to be employed there.

I woke up very happy on Thursday morning and excited to work on this new project.  I still had enough hot water for a quick almost hot shower.  Woo Hoo!!!!  Then I got to work hooking up the hose so I could drain the tank.  The first problem I encountered was my inability to turn off the water.  Seriously...I had no idea how to turn off the water to the tank or the house.  I patiently waited for Lou to arrive so he could show me.  I have to say this started the morning off a bit rocky as he really wanted me to have the tank drained before he arrived.  I believe he said that I should get up at 5:00 am to start the project.  I said OK to placate him, but I had ZERO intention of fulfilling that crazy promise.

It took him about 30 seconds to turn off the water to the tank (that is now in the memory banks) and to start the draining process.  While he was attending to that task I cooked myself a delicious breakfast of hash-browns, scrambled eggs and toast.  This is an unheard of luxury for a weekday morning.  We talked for a bit while I ate my breakfast and I listened to Lou bitch about having to wait for the tank to drain. 

The next task was to get the necessary parts.  I had contacted a company on Wednesday that works with my type of water heater and they said they have the parts in stock.  I looked up their address and they were located at 30th and Post.  Lou was a bit disgruntled about the long drive to get the parts and he wanted to try and find a place closer.  He called the dealer where he got his parts in Carmel and they said that they didn't sell the parts to my brand of water heater.  Lou wanted to keep checking but I got impatient and insisted that we just go to Central Supply.

We went to the car and started to drive away when I noticed that the water was no longer draining from the hose in the street.  We parked the car and went to investigate.  Guess what???  The tank had completed draining.  It only took an hour so there was no need for me to get up at 5am!  We decided to take the parts out of the tank so we could take them with us to the store.  The process was quick.  There was just a couple of screws and copper wires and viola we had access to the tank.  (Yes...the electricity was turned off.)   Lou tried to remove the top element and as he was pulling it out we were accosted with an offensive smell.  It was emanating from the heating element and the two inches of calcium that had built up.  It looked and smelled disgusting.  It also made the removal of the element difficult.  After some careful tugging he was able to completely free it from the hole.  We had the same problem with the bottom element but we eventually released it from the heater housing.

It was amazing that I was getting any hot water considering how much calcium build up there was.  Is calcium a good conductor of  heat?  IDK?  We piled back into the car for our trip to the store.  We arrived there about 30 minutes later and had an interesting conversation with the employee.  They didn't have that part in stock but they could sell us an upgraded item for $30 each.  The regular item would have been $10 each.  OMG....what a rip off.  As I was standing there deciding what to do, the employee mentioned that this common universal part could be found at any Lowe's or Home Depot.  My eyes got giant and we decided to head out to the Lowe's that was about a mile away.  I knew we could always head back if we couldn't find the right part.  When Lou and I got back into the car I looked at him and said. "Not at Word!".  He of course ignored me and couldn't let my mistake go.  He enjoyed teasing me for the next 20 minutes.  We easily found the proper parts at Lowe's for $20 each.  I also came out with 4 new light bulbs for my kitchen light fixture and they were $4.50 each (ouch), lawn mower oil for the yearly change and line for the weed trimmer.  All necessary items that I hate buying.

We arrived home 30 minutes later and the hot water heater had it's new elements installed and it was put back together in 15 minutes.  This was truly a simple job.  I was antsy to turn the electricity back on to verify that the heater no longer made dying noises and I am happy to report it is still back it's quiet self.  I took Lou to lunch and when we came back an hour later the water was already hot.  Hallelujah!

Way to go handy Lou and assistant Candy.  I am sure this project would have made a hysterical episode of Home Time.  Perhaps to be viewed on cable as the language was a bit inappropriate for anything else;)  The cost of the project was $45 for parts and $27 for lunch.  This was so much better than the estimated $250.  I am glad that I have such an helpful and knowledgeable brother.