Men V. Women

I went to a Christmas party last weekend. There were about 15ish people that attended and it was even split between men and women. When I arrived there was an important college basketball game on the TV and everyone was sitting around the living room in silence with their eyes glued to the screen. I got a couple snacks, took a seat and watched the game with everyone else.

After the important game was over a second game started. People began to move around but several people stayed in the living room watching the TV. I had a few more snacks and I began conversations with the two women seated next to me. About 20 or 30 minutes later I noticed something interesting. All the other women were gathering in the kitchen.

My two female friends and I quickly got up and joined the other ladies in the kitchen. As soon as we left the living room the other men who had less than desirable seating in the living room moved and took over our spots and then we were segregated. The men were lounging on the couches and the women were standing in the kitchen. I did not expect that to happen.

The unspoken social convention of keeping the women in the kitchen was alive at this party. It wasn't on purpose but it was natural for the women to not be very interested in the sports on the TV. It wasn't as if the men were preventing us from hanging out with them but it just happened.

It was fascinating to me. I wouldn't consider the couple who hosted the party to have strict traditional gender roles. I don't think this women makes dinner for the man every night. They share in the tasks. However, I can't speculate on what happens when no one is watching;)

I don't consider myself a feminist. I don't really want to mow the lawn, take care of the car or pick up dead things. I don't mind cooking meals or laundry but I would never consider myself to be a caretaker to anyone. I like things to be (sort of) equal.

However, this phenomenon at parties fascinates me. Why is it so natural for people to segregate themselves at parties. I understand that part of the separation stems from the fact that many women have similar interests and things in common. But when we are segregated why do we (women) always end up in the kitchen. Why don't the men end up there? I think it is because as much as we deny it we still self sort ourselves into gender roles. It is just the way it is.

I try to buck the system. I know I stayed in the living room much longer than the other women but it didn't work. The separation still happened. Next time I am going to try and stay in the living room and see what happens.

Math + data = good decision

Big decision to make this week.  I thought I already made it but now I am on the fence.

It is insurance renewal time and I must decide whether or not to participate in the traditional PPO plan or utilize the high deductible HSA plan.  My physician has suggested that I do a sleep study because she thinks I have sleep apnea.  The tests average cost is $5000. Gulp.  I had already decided to hold off on taking the test till 2013 so I could move to the PPO plan so more of my expense would be covered by my insurance.  However, now I am not sure that is the smartest decision.

My yearly premium with a PPO plan is $1920, however, it is $1080 for the year with  a HSA.  That is a $840 variance.  The sleep study is going to cost about $5000.  My portion under a PPO plan is $1800 and under the HSA plan is $3000 (my entire deductible).  My job also gives me $500 per year toward my HSA.  This takes my total 2013 expense for PPO to be $3720 and my HSA to be $3580.  With only that information I would save $140 for the year by going with the HSA.
 

	PPO	Health Savings Account	Variance
Premium	1,920.00	1,080.00	(840.00)
Sleep Study	5,000.00	5,000.00
CDS Portion	1,800.00	3,000.00	1,200.00
Novia Health SA		(500.00)
Total Out of Pocket	3,720.00	3,580.00	(140.00)
Additional Per check Deposit	104.17	114.58
Premium per check	80.00	45.00	Up $10 from 2012
Total health cost per paycheck	184.17	159.58
Total Current Payroll Deduction	60.00	60.00
Total Additional Per check	124.17	99.58
Yearly Amount	2,980.00	2,390.00

So...the math tells me to go with the HSA.

However, I don't know what I don't know.  What else might happen to me next year.  If I max out my HSA delectable in January everything (except for meds) are 100% covered for the remainder of the year.  However, if I stuck with the PPO plan I could have additional co-pays for the remainder of the  year even thought I reached my $1000 deductible.  Plus my max contribution to the HSA is $3250 ($500 from my employer and $2750 from me).  That just barely covers this test and leaves no room for dental or optical work that is covered separately.  Plus, I have to wait for the money to be contributed to my account each paycheck before I can spend it whereas I can spend my entire FSA in January if I needed to.

Is your head spinning?  Mine is!  I just don't know which way to go this year!

"A little gossip, A little chat, A little idol talk of this, And that"

Something happened this week that I just cannot shake.  I was out to drinks after work with some people and the group began to talk about a person we all knew (N).  All of a sudden a "friend" stated with a booming voice and force that N was ugly.  She went on to say that N's face was ugly and and she was very unattractive.  I was extremely bothered by the tone of this conversation.  I spoke up and said that was a horrible thing to say about N.  The group knocked me down a bit for being so outspoken and there was a few awkward moments. The conversation moved on my brain kept mulling over this conversation.

The next day I saw the person who said the rude comments and brought it up again.  I told her how bothered I was by her statements.  She defended herself and she didn't see anything wrong with what she said and she stood by her words.

That was the problem.  I don't want to be around people who think that way.  I think it just brings you down.  It is so hard to be a good person and to be kind to others.  Much harder than being shitty and pointing out the flaws.

I don't want to be that kind of person.  I don't want to be sucked into mean spirited gossip and conversations.  I don't want to laugh at the expense of others.  I want to treat others as I want to be treated.  Saying this is easy but putting it into practice is super hard.

I think it is a natural thing for people to gossip about others.  I don't think you can ever really be free from it. However, there is gossip that is factual, neutral and mean spirited.  I don't want to participate in determining who has fake boobs and judge them for it.  I like to know things and I like to know about other people but I hope there is a right way to do it.

Fears

Do you ever think about what things you are afraid of and how you deal with it?  I have always thought that I was fearless but a good friend remind me that I am not.

I try to not let my fears stop me from doing stuff.  However, I think it happens without me realizing it.  The other day I saw Jadzia sitting in the middle of the living room playing with a WORM.  Ugg.  If you know me you know that I have a LARGE fear of worms.  I HATE them and they freak me out.  When I saw the worm I screamed for the roommate to come and help me.  It took a minute for her to hear me but she eventually came into the living room.  While I was waiting Jadzia continued to play with the worm.  She would throw it up on the air and watch it fall.  She appeared to take little nips out of it but it continued to live.  Really...why couldn't she just kill it.

Anyway, the roommate came into the living room and I yelled something undecipherable about the worm and cat.  She just stared at me for a second and said; "What do you want me to do about that?".  More yelling from me and she eventually threw the worm outside.  As a side note after the worm was gone Jadzia continued sniffing the entire living room floor in search of her plaything.  Little beast!

I know that being afraid of worms is a silly fear and it is easy to stay away from them.  However, the other day I realized that I had another fear.  It is much bigger and important than worms.  I am afraid of the doctor and potential bad news.

I never realized that about myself.  I always thought that I was healthy and I would go and visit the doctor when I needed to.  Nope.  I think I just avoided it.  We recently got an awesome employee benefit at my work.  We now have an employer sponsored clinic and all visits, meds and labs are free to me.  Woo!  What a great thing.  I knew I had to take advantage of the benefit.

It was difficult for me to even make the appointment. I tried to avoid it but I knew it was important that I go.  So I made the appointment. I even had coffee with a nurse friend who helped me write down things to tell the doctor as well as make a list of labs I should have done.  It was hard but I did it

The morning of my appointment I remember breathing hard as I entered the elevator and feeling my heart race as I walked to the clinic.  My nerves were on edge.  It was a good thing I made a list as I would have never remembered all the the content without it.

There was some unfortunate outcomes of my initial visit. Sigh.  I need to get myself together.  Plus, I still need to go in for to meet with the doctor to go over my lab results.  I imagine I will be a sweaty mess tomorrow morning at 10am. 

I am glad I learned this thing about myself.  Now that I understand that I am afraid to go and afraid to hear bad outcomes it will be easier to let my logic overcome my emotions.  Plus, the PA I saw was super nice and helpful.  That is what I needed. 

Pivotal Moments

Do you notice when pivotal moments in your life occur? Do you realize how certain events can change you forever?


While I was talking on the phone to AL last week she made me realize one of my personal pivotal moments. We were talking about my stint as an Au Pair in 2000. The trip itself was very important to me that wasn't the impactful moment.


I remember going to dinner with AL someplace in Toledo. It was a special night for both of us because we didn't go to out often. We were both poor college students and super busy. As we were eating dinner she mentioned that she was thinking of being an Au Pair in France the following year. Hm...a light bulb went off in my head. She continued talking about the program and how it interested her. I think I asked her if the program included England and when she said yes my life changed.


Yep. It really changed that very moment. It changed the way I thought about things. Until that moment I never thought traveling internationally would ever be in my future. I remember going to bed every night as a teenager daydreaming about England and how I wished I could go. I NEVER thought it would be possible. That is why I know that exact moment over dinner was so pivotal. I realized I COULD do something I thought was impossible.


AL gave me the name of the Au Pair company she was going to use and I pushed forward quickly with that information. I did my research (btw much harder in 1999 during the growing years of the internet) and I applied for the program. I got a second job and I made immediate changes in my life to make this new idea work out.


I feel that was the first time in my life that I realized I could really do something that appeared to be difficult for me if I put in some effort. Doors opened for me when I came home from that trip. I moved to Indiana and I feel my adult life sprang to life.


One single IDEA changed my life.


Even now it seems like a little thing but I feel it was one of the most important moments in my life.
BTW...AL never applied to the Au Pair program.

Running Away

Do you ever feel the need to escape reality?  I do.  Actually, this thought has been sticking in my head a lot lately.  The other night I had a dream that on payday I purchased a ticket to Tahiti and completely walked away from my life in Indy for two years.  The dream was very specific.  I lived on the beach and read my Kindle all day.  I learned to surf and found Maslow's highest level of happiness.

Why do I have these thoughts and desires?  Life is good for me in Indy.  I have good job and a fulfilling social life.  I have friends who love me and look out for me.  However, there is something missing. Why is it so hard to find lasting happiness and fulfillment in my current circumstances?

I don't really think living on the beach with NO responsibilities would make me happy.  However, I still have very fond memories of a Mexican vacation where I slept on the beach in a hammock for four days.  I still believe that was my best vacation.  It held complete relaxation for me.  There were fun people to hang out with and talk to and there was no pressure.  I didn't think about bills or money or my job or my house.  I just lived and enjoyed each precious hour.  I have never been able to replicate the satisfaction I felt on that trip.

Honestly, my life bears minimal responsibilities compared to the average person.  

Money, spouse, children, house, career

I don't have a husband or children and I find most people's stresses revolve around those two issues.  On the flip side I also find that many people's life satisfaction come from those two components.  I don't ever wish for marriage.  I don't think it works. But I am open to a long term relationship.  However, it just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me.  I would like to change that.

Children.  I never wanted children.  I looked at the parenting skills of my parents and I never thought I would do a good job with a child of my own.  However, I thoroughly enjoy my nieces and nephews.  I recently took little Paige on a trip to Ohio to visit family and I really enjoyed her company.  I liked having her there and she brought me much happiness.  I missed her when I took her home.    

I feel like my current job has caused me to be more "responsible" than any other job in my career.  I need to be "on" all the time.  People respect my opinion and value my work.  It is a far cry from my days as a desk clerk where I could read for 6 out of 8 hours.  

As much as I enjoy owning my house I also find it oppressive.  I cannot make a drastic change in my life without it causing me significant stress and worry.  I don't want to live in an apartment again but the house does cause me to stay in Indy when without it I would have been enticed somewhere new by now.

Money...I make a good living but I also like to live large so it is always a constant worry.

I don't believe running away would fix any of my life stresses but it still holds an allure to me.  In the near future If I stop responding to texts and emails I am probably in Tahiti. 

Spring Awakening Groupie

I went to see Spring Awakening last Wednesday night at University Theater in Muncie.  Yes, I drove ALL the way to Muncie after work last week;)  I couldn't help myself.  I love the show.  I saw it on Broadway in NYC a few years ago and I have been hooked ever since.

The next year I dragged several friends to Columbus, Ohio for a weekend adventure and to see the show.  We all had fun but I don't think anyone enjoyed it as much as I did.  Plus, I went to see it three times at The Phoenix theater last year.  Seriously, THREE times in the month it was playing.  I could have gone more but people were already making fun of me.

As much as I love the show, the Muncie performance was a disappointment.  The singing was sub-par and the audience was childish.  It started with the actors warming up on the stage.  They were walking around aimlessly making odd facial expressions and noises out of their mouths.  They would occasional stop and stretch on a pole and talk to their friends.  I think it was a bad directorial choice and disruptive to the audience.  The show is very dramatic and talks about serious societal issues and the audience would become uncomfortable during the tense moments and laugh.  There was a scene where a girl was asking her boyfriend to beat her with a stick so she could "feel" something.  While the male actor was beating the girl there were several members of the audience laughing.  It just didn't fit.

While I was driving to the show I chatted on the phone with AL and she asked me why I liked the show so much.  She saw it with me on Broadway and she couldn't understand my obsession.  Here's why:

1.  The Music
It appeals to me.  I like that it is more like rock music and not orchestral based.  Each song had a purpose and it moved the story forward.  You always knew what the actors were thinking.  It was dynamic.  Loud booming songs to talk about masturbation and the attraction to the opposite sex (The Bitch of Living).  Quiet powerful songs to talk about sexual and physical abuse (The Dark I know Well).  Fun songs to show the audience that the  characters are in trouble (Totally F**ked).  Finally, an upbeat song to talk about suicide (Don't Do Sadness).  The music resonated with me and I listen to it often.

2.  The Story
While I was walking out of the theater I overheard some students discussing the show and they said they didn't think that the musical had a story.  They weren't talking to me so I didn't interject my opinion but I yelled at them in my head.  "Yes, it does.  The show has several story lines.  Unlike Cats"  The two main characters learn about first love, sex and attraction and each of them has a different experience.  The subsidiary story's were just as interesting. There was one that talked about two men being gay, another one that talked about sexual abuse from her father, another about a boy who was slightly different than everyone else and he turned to suicide.  

3.  The Choreography
This show has several intricate contemporary dance sequences.  I liked how they incorporated the actors movements, singing and dancing into the story.  It just worked and it made me "feel" the story.  

4.  The Social Implications
I love a story that gives my brain ideas and subjects to mull over.  After I left the show for the first time my brain was abuzz with the various elements.  The thing I focused upon the most was the part where the main girl doesn't understand why she doesn't feel things.  She is fascinated with a friend who is beaten daily by her father.  She wanted that.  Sick!  But it made me think about how life can become so numbing at times and how it makes it hard to feel anything.  This story was written in the late 1800's before people were preoccupied with TV, radio and Prozac.  What made them feel nothing?  Why did they have a hard time finding enough value in their lives to be happy?

The first song in the show (Mama who Bore Me) was about a young girl upset with her mother because she wouldn't tell her things.  She asked her mother repeatedly how her sister had babies and the mother refused to tell her.  The mother just couldn't talk about it.  The young girl ended up getting pregnant, having a back alley abortion and then **Spoiler** dying.  Things may have been different had she understood that sex = babies.  Why was it so difficult for the mother to talk to her daughter about sex?  This was a problem in the 1800's and it is still a problem today.  People are afraid to say things.  Be real with each other.  I feel I often get chastised from people for being to real.  Remember when I got my 16 year old nephew a sex book for Christmas?  The parents were not happy with me.  

I think every person who LOVES musicals should see this 2007 Tony Award Wining show.