I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker today and it made me think about my current approach to dieting and living a healthy lifestyle.
I have been able to lose 25lbs since the beginning of June. Since I have started this dieting and biking thing 2.5 years ago I have lost a total of 50 lbs. Please please hold the applause. I feel good about this progress. What I like even more than the actual number is that none of my clothes fit anymore. They just hang off of me. Even my shoes. Really my shoes are too big. The other part is that I now weigh less than my younger brother. I assure that hasn’t happened since we were children or maybe ever. I loved his competitive response to this news. He was all “let me starve myself for a few days and reweigh myself”. No sucker! I beat you!!!!
There are a couple things that have made this experience more successful than past attempts to lose weight. The biggest one is that I haven’t put any pressure on myself to succeed. I want to succeed but I don’t perform well under pressure. I have always lived this horrible cycle of failing and then being so terribly hard on myself. I then completely give up because the whole endeavor was just too hard. I never thought I could be successful in this area.
I am not keeping a food journal. You heard me right…I am not recording my food intake. I just can’t. This was one of the things that used to destroy my self-confidence. That doesn’t mean I don’t evaluate what I eat. I look at my daily intake before dinner and I determine how much I should eat. I want to keep my calories at 1800 or less per day. But this is a flowing number and I don’t beat myself up when I don’t achieve it. I just say to myself perhaps eating crap at the fair shouldn’t be repeated the next day. I try to make better choices when I eat out. I try to eat only two pieces of pizza and not four. I try to not stop for ice cream on a daily basis and I am strictly regulating the amount of dessert allowed into my house.
I have stopped pressuring myself to cook healthy and nutritious whole foods. That never really worked as I am usually too tired to cook when I get home from my fun evening activities. Instead I have filled my freezer with Lean Cuisines and Smart Ones and other such frozen delights. It isn’t always great but it fills me up and it prevents me from stopping at Taco Bell on my way home when I am most vulnerable to the hunger and exhaustion. I realize that this isn’t the best nutritional choice but it is calorie controlled and way better to the alternative (Taco Bell).
Last month a friend wrote a blog that talked about how bike riding is not the key to weight loss. I completely agree with her. It is more about the food than the exercise. But the combination of both has enabled me to be successful. The other part is I haven’t looked at the biking strictly as a weight loss tool. I look at is as fun first. My goals surrounding biking had zero to do with weight and more to overcoming mental blocks about what I can and cannot do. Yes, I can ride 1000 miles in a summer (I am way over that BTW), yes I conquered Riley Hill, and yes I can ride 50 miles in a day. I actually completed a metric century (62 miles) a few weekends ago. All of these things help tremendously with the weight loss but they are not the key factor to my current success.
I feel the key to my current success is to relax the pressure on myself. I think I will always struggle with the eating thing but if I can continue having a positive attitude and give myself a break every now and then, this could work for me.
The specific question that the co-worker asked me was did I have a weight loss goals. The answer is NO. I don’t want to lose XX by a certain date. I cannot look at it that way. I just want to continue to make positive progress. I feel if I decided that I wanted to lose 10lbs each month it would kill me if I didn’t achieve that goal and prevent future progress.
I prefer to look at it this way. The less I weigh the easier it will be for me to climb the hills on my bike and maybe one day actually pass one of my friends on the ascent. That will be worth celebrating.
August 17, 2010
August 9, 2010
RIP Frank
I have some sad news. My pet gerbil Frank died last Friday. I was very upset most of the day and I wanted to give him a proper burial. Since my schedule is always so busy I thought it would be necessarily to leave work at 3:00pm on Friday afternoon so I would have time to observe his final wishes. He wanted his ashes scattered amongst the fields near my house. So I wanted to leave work and ride my bike around the countryside near my house to give Frank his final respects.
You know what? My boss said NO! I couldn't leave work to give Frank his due respect. Methinks my boss has no feelings or compassion.
I thought for a few minutes and then I told him this story:
Boss, my grandparent died in a car crash. While my boyfriend was driving, because he swerved and hit a bus full of orphans while trying to avoid a herd of penguins crossing the street.
It’s too outlandish to be false, right?
Apparently, I become a creative liar when I want to ride my bike. (Que Queen please)
You know what? My boss said NO! I couldn't leave work to give Frank his due respect. Methinks my boss has no feelings or compassion.
I thought for a few minutes and then I told him this story:
Boss, my grandparent died in a car crash. While my boyfriend was driving, because he swerved and hit a bus full of orphans while trying to avoid a herd of penguins crossing the street.
It’s too outlandish to be false, right?
Apparently, I become a creative liar when I want to ride my bike. (Que Queen please)
August 5, 2010
Darkness Rules my Life
I accomplished my final and third biking goal of the summer on Sunday. Woot! Except that it seems a bit anticlimactic to me. I have met my goals but I am not necessarily happy about it.
These were my three goals:
1. Bike 1000 Miles
2. Bike 50 miles in a single ride
3. Get up the hill at Crown Hill without walking
I made the 50 mile ride on July 6th. This was a good ride and my average speed was 11.9 mph. I was happy with this ride and it was interesting to see my speed improvement in the last month. My current average speed is usually 12.8. I also have a few 50 mile rides scheduled later in the summer and those will not include any breaks and one of them has a hills. Eeek.
I completed the Crown Hill climb about two weeks ago and it was hard. My heart was beating out of my chest by the time I made it to the top, but I made it. I was very excited but I have no desire to duplicate this accomplishment. I would prefer to work on street hills and increasing my speed on something I would encounter in an ordinary ride.
Sunday was the big day for the 1000 mile accomplishment. I was really hoping to finish up in July but my schedule just didn't allow it so I made it on August 1, 2010. I was proud of myself as I had originally given myself until October to complete this goal. I had no idea that I would become even more passionate about biking this summer than I was last year.
The real problem in this story is that my pride quickly faded away to self doubt and being hard on myself. I always think that I can do better on a given task and then when I do better it is not enough. I had thoughts running through my head that said I should have accomplished the goals faster or quicker or at a faster speed. I just don't know why I cannot be happy with my accomplishments.
I want to be able to ride faster and I have improved but I don't think that it is fast enough. I started out the summer with an average speed of 10 mph and I am currently at 12.8. I want to be better than that without killing myself. I then fall into the trap of comparing myself to my friends. They can do things better and faster than me and it makes me feel inadequate. These are the reasons why I have avoided all things athletic in the past. I don't like feeling inadequate and if I don't even try then I never have to worry about measuring up.
Uggg...I just don't know what to do with myself. I want to be happy with myself and my accomplishments while still pushing myself but I don't want to feel inadequate. How am I to get over these dark and unproductive feelings? I keep trying to stay positive but the bad thoughts keep creeping back.
I had a conversation with a fellow biking friend this week that while good intentioned and necessary made made all of these dark feelings creep up. This conversation was about an upcoming 50 mile group ride (Hope Ride) that will occur in mid September. There are several of us attending this ride and all of us have varying degrees of ability and aptitude. Unfortunately, I am the slowest member of our group. I was told basically that I was going to have to ride by myself that day as they wanted to complete this ride at a challenging pace for them. I understand this and I respect the need to challenge oneself but it still doesn't stop me from feeling bad about myself. I could probably keep up for a while but it would kill me and then I would eventually fall behind. I don't want them to have to ride slower for me. They should ride their bikes the way that makes them happy.
I DO NOT like to fall behind! So what do I do? I have been rolling this around in my head for days. Should I just not attend and miss out on the fun? Should I attend and ride by myself? Or should I attend and try to keep up. My initial desire was to not attend any of these group rides but that seems like the extreme option. 70% of why I like biking is I like the social aspect of it. I understand that I cannot have a companion for every bike ride but these are the kind of events where having a companion is good.
I feel like my confidence is in an extremely fragile state these days and I would like to steady it out again but I just don't know how.
These were my three goals:
1. Bike 1000 Miles
2. Bike 50 miles in a single ride
3. Get up the hill at Crown Hill without walking
I made the 50 mile ride on July 6th. This was a good ride and my average speed was 11.9 mph. I was happy with this ride and it was interesting to see my speed improvement in the last month. My current average speed is usually 12.8. I also have a few 50 mile rides scheduled later in the summer and those will not include any breaks and one of them has a hills. Eeek.
I completed the Crown Hill climb about two weeks ago and it was hard. My heart was beating out of my chest by the time I made it to the top, but I made it. I was very excited but I have no desire to duplicate this accomplishment. I would prefer to work on street hills and increasing my speed on something I would encounter in an ordinary ride.
Sunday was the big day for the 1000 mile accomplishment. I was really hoping to finish up in July but my schedule just didn't allow it so I made it on August 1, 2010. I was proud of myself as I had originally given myself until October to complete this goal. I had no idea that I would become even more passionate about biking this summer than I was last year.
The real problem in this story is that my pride quickly faded away to self doubt and being hard on myself. I always think that I can do better on a given task and then when I do better it is not enough. I had thoughts running through my head that said I should have accomplished the goals faster or quicker or at a faster speed. I just don't know why I cannot be happy with my accomplishments.
I want to be able to ride faster and I have improved but I don't think that it is fast enough. I started out the summer with an average speed of 10 mph and I am currently at 12.8. I want to be better than that without killing myself. I then fall into the trap of comparing myself to my friends. They can do things better and faster than me and it makes me feel inadequate. These are the reasons why I have avoided all things athletic in the past. I don't like feeling inadequate and if I don't even try then I never have to worry about measuring up.
Uggg...I just don't know what to do with myself. I want to be happy with myself and my accomplishments while still pushing myself but I don't want to feel inadequate. How am I to get over these dark and unproductive feelings? I keep trying to stay positive but the bad thoughts keep creeping back.
I had a conversation with a fellow biking friend this week that while good intentioned and necessary made made all of these dark feelings creep up. This conversation was about an upcoming 50 mile group ride (Hope Ride) that will occur in mid September. There are several of us attending this ride and all of us have varying degrees of ability and aptitude. Unfortunately, I am the slowest member of our group. I was told basically that I was going to have to ride by myself that day as they wanted to complete this ride at a challenging pace for them. I understand this and I respect the need to challenge oneself but it still doesn't stop me from feeling bad about myself. I could probably keep up for a while but it would kill me and then I would eventually fall behind. I don't want them to have to ride slower for me. They should ride their bikes the way that makes them happy.
I DO NOT like to fall behind! So what do I do? I have been rolling this around in my head for days. Should I just not attend and miss out on the fun? Should I attend and ride by myself? Or should I attend and try to keep up. My initial desire was to not attend any of these group rides but that seems like the extreme option. 70% of why I like biking is I like the social aspect of it. I understand that I cannot have a companion for every bike ride but these are the kind of events where having a companion is good.
I feel like my confidence is in an extremely fragile state these days and I would like to steady it out again but I just don't know how.
July 28, 2010
Why do girls run away like scared rabbits?
Last Friday night I went to see my three adorable nieces in a production of Anne. They were super cute and I loved seeing them on the stage. However, another incident overshadowed the evening.
I arrived at the theater early so I could get us front row seats. As I walked in I turned to my right and I saw this guy that I briefly dated last year. I quickly turned around and fled the room. Eekk! I was a bit startled as this kind of thing doesn’t usually happen to me and I wasn’t sure of the correct protocol. I thought for a minute and I re-entered the room with my head pointed directly ahead and I quickly found a seat.
As I sat there I remembered that he worked for the school system and he video tapes these shows on the side. So he was there in an “official” capacity.
As I sat in my seat alone I was unsure what I should do with myself. I tried to read but I was too distracted the entire time. Finally, 20 minutes later my brother arrived and I had something to focus on. The play started and I focused on the show. Ok, sort of focused on the show as I was trying really really hard to remember the guys name. I had a nickname for him and that popped quickly into my head but not his actual name. About midway through the first act it finally came to me and I was able to stay focused on the show.
An hour later it was intermission and I decided that the best course of action was to sit in my seat quietly and pretend to be invisible. I seriously had to pee but there was not a chance of me walking through the auditorium. Everyone in my party exited the room and I was left alone with my full bladder worrying that he was going to come up and talk to me. Thankfully I was left to my own devises during intermission and the play started back up again without incident.
As the play concluded my natural inclination was to bolt out of the auditorium and run to my car but I couldn’t do that as I needed to see the three children and give them accolades and hugs. This took FOREVER. I mean FOREVER and the entire time my nervousness’s kept increasing. I walked out of the auditorium hugging one of the children and giving her my entire 100% attention and looking at her. This was much better than looking around and accidentally creating eye contact. I took this child to the bathroom with me and basically everywhere I walked around.
Lou and I finally ended up sitting in the auditorium front row again while we were waiting for the children to change their clothes. Guess what? He takes this time to come up to me and chat. I really thought I was safe. Damn, I wasn’t.
Everything was fine. Nothing too interesting happens in our conversation and this exchange only takes us about five minutes. I don’t know why I was so nervous to talk to this person. I wasn’t interested in him. I guess it was my way of avoiding an uncomfortable situation. After he left I looked over to my brother and he told me that I sounded very nervous. Duh! On the plus side my brother said the guy also sounded nervous. Score!
Will I ever learn to be more straightforward?
I arrived at the theater early so I could get us front row seats. As I walked in I turned to my right and I saw this guy that I briefly dated last year. I quickly turned around and fled the room. Eekk! I was a bit startled as this kind of thing doesn’t usually happen to me and I wasn’t sure of the correct protocol. I thought for a minute and I re-entered the room with my head pointed directly ahead and I quickly found a seat.
As I sat there I remembered that he worked for the school system and he video tapes these shows on the side. So he was there in an “official” capacity.
As I sat in my seat alone I was unsure what I should do with myself. I tried to read but I was too distracted the entire time. Finally, 20 minutes later my brother arrived and I had something to focus on. The play started and I focused on the show. Ok, sort of focused on the show as I was trying really really hard to remember the guys name. I had a nickname for him and that popped quickly into my head but not his actual name. About midway through the first act it finally came to me and I was able to stay focused on the show.
An hour later it was intermission and I decided that the best course of action was to sit in my seat quietly and pretend to be invisible. I seriously had to pee but there was not a chance of me walking through the auditorium. Everyone in my party exited the room and I was left alone with my full bladder worrying that he was going to come up and talk to me. Thankfully I was left to my own devises during intermission and the play started back up again without incident.
As the play concluded my natural inclination was to bolt out of the auditorium and run to my car but I couldn’t do that as I needed to see the three children and give them accolades and hugs. This took FOREVER. I mean FOREVER and the entire time my nervousness’s kept increasing. I walked out of the auditorium hugging one of the children and giving her my entire 100% attention and looking at her. This was much better than looking around and accidentally creating eye contact. I took this child to the bathroom with me and basically everywhere I walked around.
Lou and I finally ended up sitting in the auditorium front row again while we were waiting for the children to change their clothes. Guess what? He takes this time to come up to me and chat. I really thought I was safe. Damn, I wasn’t.
Everything was fine. Nothing too interesting happens in our conversation and this exchange only takes us about five minutes. I don’t know why I was so nervous to talk to this person. I wasn’t interested in him. I guess it was my way of avoiding an uncomfortable situation. After he left I looked over to my brother and he told me that I sounded very nervous. Duh! On the plus side my brother said the guy also sounded nervous. Score!
Will I ever learn to be more straightforward?
July 9, 2010
Having the Fat Girl Mentality
I have a problem and it is all caused by what I call the Fat Girl Mentality. This is the Candy who thinks she cannot do stuff. She is not able to run, play sports, bike at an adequate pace or any other thing a normal "thin" person can do. I am able to shove this version of myself away most of the time but it has come out in the last several weeks. I don't like her but she cannot be ignored.
All of these bad and self defeating thoughts are wrecking my self confidence. I can feel myself going inward and and allowing other peoples thoughts and opinions color my vision of myself. I don't like it. I don't want to act like a person who cannot do things. I don't want to BE a person who cannot do things.
I thought by accomplishing one of my summer goals of biking 50 miles it would help build my self confidence. No so robot. It has had no effect. I don't think "doing" any one thing will help me not feel and behave like the inner fat girl. I think I need an attitude adjustment. I keep trying but I cannot seem to come out of it. Why why why????
I am not looking for sympathy, I just want to figure out how to be happy in my own skin as it has not been a pleasant place as of late.
All of these bad and self defeating thoughts are wrecking my self confidence. I can feel myself going inward and and allowing other peoples thoughts and opinions color my vision of myself. I don't like it. I don't want to act like a person who cannot do things. I don't want to BE a person who cannot do things.
I thought by accomplishing one of my summer goals of biking 50 miles it would help build my self confidence. No so robot. It has had no effect. I don't think "doing" any one thing will help me not feel and behave like the inner fat girl. I think I need an attitude adjustment. I keep trying but I cannot seem to come out of it. Why why why????
I am not looking for sympathy, I just want to figure out how to be happy in my own skin as it has not been a pleasant place as of late.
July 6, 2010
Forrest Gump
Do you remember that scene in Forrest Gump where Forest decides that he just needs to run and run and run. He runs all the way across the North America a couple of times. Tonight I felt like I was channeling that Forrest when I was biking.
I met a few friends for a casual ride at 4pm. We rode a 19 mile route mostly on roads to the Velodrome and back. It was a good ride and it included some challenging hills but when we had completed our route I didn't feel like I had satisfied my biking need for the day. My friends and I stopped at Subway for dinner and when we were done eating I asked them if they were interested in riding some additional miles. I encountered blank stares and NO's. No problem I thought to myself, music could keep me company. As our little group broke up I went back to my car to get my iPod and earphones so I could put in some additional miles before I went home.
When I left my friends I had no plan and no agenda. I just headed out North on the Monon. As I was riding I thought I would ride out five miles and then turn around and come back to my car. I put on my favorite biking music (Def Leppard's Hysteria) and peddled away. Before I even blinked I was five miles away and I decided that I would continue to ride North to 146th St. When I hit 146th Street I felt like I should finish out the trail and go to the end. I did. I cannot remember what street it ends on....maybe 165???
I took a couple drinks of my water and I turned around and headed south to Broad Ripple. As I was riding I looked at my odometer and I realized that I would finish my ride at 40 miles and I gave myself a smug little smile at my accomplishment. When I began to get close to where I left my car I felt like I wanted to continue to ride and I knew I had 10 more left in my legs.
The time when I made this decision was 9:05pm. Hmmm...I am not sure the rational portion of my brain was working. I continued South on the Monon and I thought I would ride five miles and turn around. I rode three miles out and I remembered that I didn't want to be stuck in that neighborhood after dark. Yes, it was pretty dark by this time. I promptly turned around and headed back north and again I rode past my car. I just didn't want to stop.
I went back North and I began to feel that perhaps riding after dark on the Monon was a VERY BAD IDEA. Yet, I continued to ride. The rational and irrational parts of my brain were at odds with each other. I was thankful that I had a headlight and taillight installed on my bike but it still didn't stop me from having thoughts that every person I saw was a serial killer. The serial killer thoughts were very intense because I was away from the crowd and in the woods. That is always when the girl is killed. Luckily I hadn't had sex in the last couple of hours so I thought I was safe. After-all, bad things only happen to the slut girls in the woods.
I finished out my ride at 50 miles. Woo Hoo!!!! It was a personal best. The most I have gone in any day was 42 miles. But does it count as a 50 mile ride due to the hour stop for dinner? I don't know if that goal has been accomplished. The answer is yes, I am hard on myself;)
Interesting Stats:
50.22 Miles
11.9 Average Speed
2 hours 51 minutes - Time in my Cardio Zone
2581 Calories Burned
4 hours 33 minutes spent riding
662 Miles for the season (my goal is 1000 miles)
I felt good after my long ride. Minimal fatigue and my legs were still pretty happy with me. I think I am much better as an endurance athlete than as a speed athlete. Am I allowed to call myself an athlete?
Forrest Gump: That's all I have to say about that.
I met a few friends for a casual ride at 4pm. We rode a 19 mile route mostly on roads to the Velodrome and back. It was a good ride and it included some challenging hills but when we had completed our route I didn't feel like I had satisfied my biking need for the day. My friends and I stopped at Subway for dinner and when we were done eating I asked them if they were interested in riding some additional miles. I encountered blank stares and NO's. No problem I thought to myself, music could keep me company. As our little group broke up I went back to my car to get my iPod and earphones so I could put in some additional miles before I went home.
When I left my friends I had no plan and no agenda. I just headed out North on the Monon. As I was riding I thought I would ride out five miles and then turn around and come back to my car. I put on my favorite biking music (Def Leppard's Hysteria) and peddled away. Before I even blinked I was five miles away and I decided that I would continue to ride North to 146th St. When I hit 146th Street I felt like I should finish out the trail and go to the end. I did. I cannot remember what street it ends on....maybe 165???
I took a couple drinks of my water and I turned around and headed south to Broad Ripple. As I was riding I looked at my odometer and I realized that I would finish my ride at 40 miles and I gave myself a smug little smile at my accomplishment. When I began to get close to where I left my car I felt like I wanted to continue to ride and I knew I had 10 more left in my legs.
The time when I made this decision was 9:05pm. Hmmm...I am not sure the rational portion of my brain was working. I continued South on the Monon and I thought I would ride five miles and turn around. I rode three miles out and I remembered that I didn't want to be stuck in that neighborhood after dark. Yes, it was pretty dark by this time. I promptly turned around and headed back north and again I rode past my car. I just didn't want to stop.
I went back North and I began to feel that perhaps riding after dark on the Monon was a VERY BAD IDEA. Yet, I continued to ride. The rational and irrational parts of my brain were at odds with each other. I was thankful that I had a headlight and taillight installed on my bike but it still didn't stop me from having thoughts that every person I saw was a serial killer. The serial killer thoughts were very intense because I was away from the crowd and in the woods. That is always when the girl is killed. Luckily I hadn't had sex in the last couple of hours so I thought I was safe. After-all, bad things only happen to the slut girls in the woods.
I finished out my ride at 50 miles. Woo Hoo!!!! It was a personal best. The most I have gone in any day was 42 miles. But does it count as a 50 mile ride due to the hour stop for dinner? I don't know if that goal has been accomplished. The answer is yes, I am hard on myself;)
Interesting Stats:
50.22 Miles
11.9 Average Speed
2 hours 51 minutes - Time in my Cardio Zone
2581 Calories Burned
4 hours 33 minutes spent riding
662 Miles for the season (my goal is 1000 miles)
I felt good after my long ride. Minimal fatigue and my legs were still pretty happy with me. I think I am much better as an endurance athlete than as a speed athlete. Am I allowed to call myself an athlete?
Forrest Gump: That's all I have to say about that.
July 1, 2010
Get Out of My Head
Get out of my head bad thoughts. I mean it. I am tired of you being there and taking over my emotions.
No More:
anger
unreasonableness
sadness
fatigue
self defeating
ugliness
Way way more:
happiness
positiveness
smiles
good things
contentedness
I need to get out of my head and just exist. It is starting right now! Ok...not now but maybe tomorrow.
No More:
anger
unreasonableness
sadness
fatigue
self defeating
ugliness
Way way more:
happiness
positiveness
smiles
good things
contentedness
I need to get out of my head and just exist. It is starting right now! Ok...not now but maybe tomorrow.
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