Fears

Do you ever think about what things you are afraid of and how you deal with it?  I have always thought that I was fearless but a good friend remind me that I am not.

I try to not let my fears stop me from doing stuff.  However, I think it happens without me realizing it.  The other day I saw Jadzia sitting in the middle of the living room playing with a WORM.  Ugg.  If you know me you know that I have a LARGE fear of worms.  I HATE them and they freak me out.  When I saw the worm I screamed for the roommate to come and help me.  It took a minute for her to hear me but she eventually came into the living room.  While I was waiting Jadzia continued to play with the worm.  She would throw it up on the air and watch it fall.  She appeared to take little nips out of it but it continued to live.  Really...why couldn't she just kill it.

Anyway, the roommate came into the living room and I yelled something undecipherable about the worm and cat.  She just stared at me for a second and said; "What do you want me to do about that?".  More yelling from me and she eventually threw the worm outside.  As a side note after the worm was gone Jadzia continued sniffing the entire living room floor in search of her plaything.  Little beast!

I know that being afraid of worms is a silly fear and it is easy to stay away from them.  However, the other day I realized that I had another fear.  It is much bigger and important than worms.  I am afraid of the doctor and potential bad news.

I never realized that about myself.  I always thought that I was healthy and I would go and visit the doctor when I needed to.  Nope.  I think I just avoided it.  We recently got an awesome employee benefit at my work.  We now have an employer sponsored clinic and all visits, meds and labs are free to me.  Woo!  What a great thing.  I knew I had to take advantage of the benefit.

It was difficult for me to even make the appointment. I tried to avoid it but I knew it was important that I go.  So I made the appointment. I even had coffee with a nurse friend who helped me write down things to tell the doctor as well as make a list of labs I should have done.  It was hard but I did it

The morning of my appointment I remember breathing hard as I entered the elevator and feeling my heart race as I walked to the clinic.  My nerves were on edge.  It was a good thing I made a list as I would have never remembered all the the content without it.

There was some unfortunate outcomes of my initial visit. Sigh.  I need to get myself together.  Plus, I still need to go in for to meet with the doctor to go over my lab results.  I imagine I will be a sweaty mess tomorrow morning at 10am. 

I am glad I learned this thing about myself.  Now that I understand that I am afraid to go and afraid to hear bad outcomes it will be easier to let my logic overcome my emotions.  Plus, the PA I saw was super nice and helpful.  That is what I needed. 

Pivotal Moments

Do you notice when pivotal moments in your life occur? Do you realize how certain events can change you forever?


While I was talking on the phone to AL last week she made me realize one of my personal pivotal moments. We were talking about my stint as an Au Pair in 2000. The trip itself was very important to me that wasn't the impactful moment.


I remember going to dinner with AL someplace in Toledo. It was a special night for both of us because we didn't go to out often. We were both poor college students and super busy. As we were eating dinner she mentioned that she was thinking of being an Au Pair in France the following year. Hm...a light bulb went off in my head. She continued talking about the program and how it interested her. I think I asked her if the program included England and when she said yes my life changed.


Yep. It really changed that very moment. It changed the way I thought about things. Until that moment I never thought traveling internationally would ever be in my future. I remember going to bed every night as a teenager daydreaming about England and how I wished I could go. I NEVER thought it would be possible. That is why I know that exact moment over dinner was so pivotal. I realized I COULD do something I thought was impossible.


AL gave me the name of the Au Pair company she was going to use and I pushed forward quickly with that information. I did my research (btw much harder in 1999 during the growing years of the internet) and I applied for the program. I got a second job and I made immediate changes in my life to make this new idea work out.


I feel that was the first time in my life that I realized I could really do something that appeared to be difficult for me if I put in some effort. Doors opened for me when I came home from that trip. I moved to Indiana and I feel my adult life sprang to life.


One single IDEA changed my life.


Even now it seems like a little thing but I feel it was one of the most important moments in my life.
BTW...AL never applied to the Au Pair program.