My invisibility cloak has been enabled

When I was in high school I felt invisible.  I didn't have very many friends and I was awkward and weird.  The worst part was I didn't understand how to fit in and I have always walked to my own beat.  For example, I didn't listen to popular music in high school...um...I listened to the oldies 60's and 70's station.  Weird.  My friends and I wouldn't even brave the cafeteria at lunch.  We would sit in the hallway next to the cafeteria and hide in plain sight. 

As an adult I feel that my high school invisibility was from my own doing.  I didn't really understand how to make friends and I didn't know how to be social.  I always felt self-conscious about how I looked and I thought that most other people were better than me.  Being very poor didn't help my self-esteem.

I don't often think or dwell about high school.  I don't look at my past as an obstacle but simply as part of who I am today.  For the most part I am pretty happy with who I am and with my ability to socialize and make friends.  I don't usually fade into the background because I am self-conscious and I try to embrace the good and bad parts of myself and look at myself as I really am. 

However, it is funny how something small and insignificant can make me feel like I am in high school all over again.  A few weeks ago I got invited to my high schools XXXX (the long long ago year I graduated) Facebook reunion page.  This page was designed to get everyone together and reconnect old friends.  I was part of the group but someone made a list of "missing people" and I was on that list.  It instantly took me back to the invisible feeling of high school.  I was there but not. 

I quickly got over the bad feelings but it was amazing how something can trigger a bad feeling and bring unpleasant memories to the forefront of my mind.  Gosh...I hate when that happens.

Empathy

I received a call from my BF last week to tell me that her boyfriend had been in a car accident.  She told me a bit about it and then she told me a story of her reaction to the emergency.  During the entire conversation I was very upset and worried for her boyfriend.  While we were talking she met up with him for dinner and she had him talk to me on the phone.  He told me the story of the accident, which was horrible, and it caused me to be very concerned for him.  That caused me to have gigantic crocodile tears running down my face while we talked.


He had no idea I was crying while we were talking but he did mention to my friend that I sounded unusually concerned for him, a stranger, on the phone.

I should mention that I have never met the boyfriend and I have only talked to him twice on the phone. 

Um...weird reaction...I have no idea why I had such a surge of concern for him.


Emotions are strange creatures!

Black Friday

I had a great Black Thursday/Friday experience this year.  I didn't buy much as the "Avoid Christmas" trip is forthcoming but I had a great night.  I met my friends about 8:30 on Thursday night for our evening adventure.   The best part of evening was there was NO set plan or expectation of purchases.   

With little knowledge we decided our first stop was going to be Wal-Mart because they were the first store to start the dramatic sales.  After a quick game of "not it" we decided upon the driver (not me) and headed into the night.  When we arrived we discovered that that the parking lot was FULL.  Seriously...full and we ended in a different parking lot.  We walked in just as the masses began to arrive and there were crowds of people everywhere.  It reminded me of the time I was in Beijing train station...wall to wall people.  The amateurs grabbed carts as they entered the store and they were nothing but aggravation and trouble.  The store had many of the aisles blocked off so everyone was stuck going up and down the same few aisles.

Our first stop was the Electronics department.  They had tons of  video games on sale for $28 but NOT the one I was looking for, Skyrim (hint...hint...hint).  So I walked away unscathed but my friends ending up with several.  We then made our way through the store to the movie area (BTW...the movie area was in produce section) and this is where we make our biggest score.  Tons of cheap movies.  We probably spent about 45 minutes combing the area looking for the gold in the haystack and I came away with season 1 and 2 of Stargate: Universe.  Love...love...love.

We decided to head back to the electronics section to take one last look at the games and then check out.  We were lucky and found a cashier with only five people in line and we quickly checked out.  But...um...maybe the line had more than five people.  Maybe hundreds.  Apparently, we (I) didn't see that the line wrapped around the electronics department and we cut.  I never cut lines and I don't think I could have done it on purpose so smoothly but being uninformed worked great for us in that situation.  Seriously....the highlight of the night.  I think my companions realized that we cut the line very quickly but I was oblivious.

The next stop was Meijer. There were hardly any cars in the parking lot and the store was deserted.  We took a quick pass through the electronics area but we didn't find much so we moved on.  Apparently, the great sales were not going to start until the weekend.

Target in Castleton was our next stop.  When we arrived there were people waiting outside and they were wrapped around the building.  We decided to play it cool and we waited in the car for the doors to open and for the masses to enter the building.  We started walking up to the building about 12:15 and hit the end of the line and it was a smooth transition into the store.  Unlike Wal-Mart, Target was much easier to navigate.  We quickly found our favorite sections and we found a few golden items.  I got the first three Twilight movies super cheap and a friend got The Vampire Diaries.  BTW...that was the surprise find of the shopping trip.  Now the bad news.  There was a terrible line to buy our items.  Ugg...I think we waited at least an hour and in that time I stopped by the cooler and sampled a soda. When I was at the cashier I almost forgot to pay for it.  As a matter of fact I had to do a separate transaction to pay for the soda.  It really would have sucked  to go to jail on Black Friday for stealing a Cherry Zero. 

After Target we headed to the Mall.  I was astounded at the quantity of people in the mall at 2am.  There were even a few restaurants open in the food court.  We walked around and headed into Macy's where I ended up getting my favorite thing of the evening.  An electric blanket.  So soft and warm.  But...my cheapness was apparent.  I decided to go with the heated "throw" rather than the full bed blanket.  Stupid move.  I rationalized that I didn't need the entire blanket and the size of the throw would be big enough.  I was so WRONG!!!!  

About this time I began to get extremely tired.  I am not a big shopper and we had been out for several hours and it was the middle of the night.  I think I was walking around like a zombie and my happy disposition was quickly disappearing.  While we were in Macy's I used the ladies room and it was full.  I got into a stall quickly but when I came out all four sinks were busy.  Not with people washing their hands but with women primping.  Apparently, black Friday shopping required a level of grooming that I didn't know about.  There was a tall women in front of me smoothing her hair and making poses.  She even did the waist dip and threw back her head several times to get her hair in just the right spot.  As I was waiting to wash my hands I began to visualize hitting her with a bat and throwing her on the floor to get her out of my way.  That was the point where I realized I no longer had the ability to stay up all night.  It is time to go to bed when I begin to fantasize about hurting annoying people. 

After we left Macy's we headed over to Game Stop and looked around but my eyes were glazed over and I ended up standing against the wall waiting for my friends.  I was D-U-N.  I think I got home about 4am and I passing out in bed.  Even though I didn't buy much this was one of my best Black Friday experiences.  It was only surpassed by the time my car wouldn't start and my brother had to pick me up at 5am.  Good times!

There were a few important lessons learned from my experience.

1.  Have no agenda on Black Friday...this removes most stresses.
2.  Don't be a sucker and get a cart as it only slows you down.
3.  Go to the DVD section first to get the best choices.
4.  Have fun!

Judgements

I really hate being judgmental and I try to see things from a variety of perspectives.  I try to see what the other person is thinking and I try to respect their opinion.  But...I have a friend who has really pushed the boundaries of my ability to not judge.  She told me a story a few weeks ago that made me evaluate my personal values and beliefs. 

She told me that she had been dating a guy and after a few weeks discovered that he was a distant relative.  Fourth cousins...I think.  Their grandmothers are sisters.  Then she told me that she just found out that he is married.  The hard part of the conversation was that she was going to continue to see him.

See...it is hard to not immediately condemn her for her choices.

I listened to her story and I tried to clear my head of the preconceived notions that society has said is appropriate behavior.  I think the idea of dating a fourth cousin was a bit weird but it didn't really bother me.   I was able to move on but I was stopped by the idea of dating a married man.  Some of our conversation revolved around the idea that if it wasn't her as the other women then it would be someone else.  That is true but you still have to live with your actions.  I personally don't think I would be able to live with myself if I decided to enter into a relationship with a married man. 

But..what should I think about my friend?  Should I judge her and not talk to her anymore?  No...I wouldn't do that.  But I did listen to her and tried to hear things from her perspective.  She fully admitted that she knew it wasn't OK behavior but she was going to proceed.  I thought about that statement and then I found a way to relate it to myself.  I think there are a ton of things that I do that I know are not good for me (like eating bad food) that I continue to do.  The big difference is that behavior doesn't effect anyone else.  If I overeat every day I just get fatter.  But if my friend dates a married man and the wife finds out then that hurts the guys wife.

That was my primary objection to seeing a married man. I don't want to do things that would purposefully hurt another person.  That is what I told her but I also know I cannot control what another person does.  The best part was that she felt comfortable having this conversation with me because she thought I was a non-judgmental person.  She has loads of other friends that would immediately judge and condemn her for her actions.  I really appreciate her confiding in me and creating a great thought provoking conversation.

Oops...

I was sitting at my desk yesterday and I kept hearing something beeping every thirty seconds or so.  The constant beep...beep...beep began to drive me crazy.  I just couldn't ignore the sound (What if it was a bomb or something) so I took a tour of the office to try to locate the source of the beeps.  My first stop was the IT closet but it was silent.  My second stop was the kitchen and the noise was loud and clear in my ears.  Bingo!  I found the right location.  I stood very still in the middle of the room and I looked all around trying to discover the source of the beeps.

Immediately, my eyes locked onto the fire sensor on the wall.  There was no indication that it was the cause of the beeping but I quickly became convinced that was the problem.  I walked over to my bosses office to tell him of my discovery and I basically handed the problem over to him.  He tried to call the building manager but there was no answer so he walked down to their office on the second floor to inform them of our problem.

I told my boss of the problem because he is persistent and I knew he would take action.  And he did!  He found the maintenance guy and walked with him back to our office.  They stood in the kitchen and the maintenance guy walked over to our refrigerator and shut it.  The beeping stopped.

Oops...apparently it takes 30 minutes, three people and the maintenance man to close the fridge in our office.

I HATE WORMS!

Seriously, I really really hate worms.  When I was a child I had a reoccurring nightmare that worms were invading my body and I would wake up in terror thinking they were eating a hole in my leg or stomach.  Plus, the evil little boys at the bus stop would throw them at me and freak me out.

So as an adult I act unreasonable when I encounter worms...specifically when they are where they don't belong.  Last night I was walking through the living room and I saw Jadzia playing with something on the floor. When I looked a bit closer I discovered it was a LIVE and wiggling worm.  I was on the phone with AL and in a panicked voice I yelled that I had to go and I hung up on her mid sentence.  Then I went into the kitchen to hide.  How was that horrible creature going to get out of my house without me having to deal with it?

I ran over to the roommates door and half whispered half yelled her name.  But she didn't respond.  So I ran back to the kitchen to text her to see if she wasn't awake.

Sigh...no response.

I then decided to call brother Lou to see if he could help.

No answer....

I called back....

No answer

and I called back...

still no answer

and I called back again and he finally answered in a sleepy voice

It was only 9:30...I didn't think it was to late to obnoxiously call over and over.

He was half asleep but he did listen to me freaking out over the worm that Jadzia was still playing with in the living room.

I think I went on and on for at lest five minutes until I took a breath and I gave him a chance to speak.  He told me to get a napkin and to pick it up.  Duh...I knew that was going to have to happen...or I was going to sleep in the kitchen....I considered it but after some "encouragement" I took a paper towel into the living room to get the slimy black worm.

Jadzia was picking it up with her mouth and dropping it back on the floor when I reentered the room.  Unfortunately, this didn't kill the worm as half its body was still wiggling around.  I know I gave her plenty of time to kill and eat her prey but she didn't comply.   She just wanted to play with it.

Meanwhile Lou was trying to say encouraging things in my ear but I was unreasonable.  I didn't want to hear it...I just wanted it to be gone.  Finally, I bent over and tried to pick it up in the napkin but it was hard for me.  And the third time was a charm.  Once I picked it up I ran across the room, flung open the front door and threw it and the napkin outside.  Then I forcible slammed the front door closed so it wouldn't come back in and get me.

Perhaps this is a good time to mention that the front door is right next to the roommates bedroom and she "was" sleeping.

Sigh...the crisis was over!  I hope that it never happens again.

September Update

I realized this week that it has been forever (over a month) since I posted a blog.  So I thought I would update my loyal readers (LOL) with some things that have happened in my life.

A.  I went on a terrific trip to NYC with my long time friend AL.  It was a great trip and I got to see and do many new things.
     1.  On our first day we took a cab to Harlem to have lunch at a Soul Food restaurant.  We gave the address to the cab driver and he had a general idea of our destination but he didn't know the exact location.  So...he dropped us off at the entrance of Columbia University and said we should walk to our right.  OK??  But,  we did have a nice walk through campus and then through a little park before we found the restaurant.  It was a good thing my GPS was able to give us directions otherwise we would have never found the restaurant.
     2.  We also walked through the infamous Hells Kitchen and AL had terrible dinner of fried octopus while I drank Sangria.
     3.  We visited Bloomindales and I gawked at the very expensive clothing.  BTW...the plus size clothing section was awful. 
     4.  The great plague started while I was on this trip.  Ugg...the sickness slowly descended upon me over the four days I was there.  The first major indication of being sick was that I was never hungry.  AL would go into a bakery and I would wave my hand and say I didn't want a cupcake or Cookie.  SERIOUSLY....when do I ever turn down a sweet?  A few months ago I would have said NEVER but now I say only when I get the great plague.
     5.  The best part of the trip was the musicals.  Basically, seeing multiple shows was our main objective in NYC.  We planned them all in advance and purchased them online.  Neither of us was interested in waiting in Times Square to get the cheap half price tickets as we both do better with a specific plan.  I made a list of my favorite to least favorite shows...but honestly the were all great.

          A.  Memphis
          B.  Billy Elliot
          C.  How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying
          D.  Catch Me if You Can
          E.  Phantom of the Opera

B.  I caught the plague while I was in NYC.  Sigh...basically I was really sick.  I cannot recall ever being so sick for such a long period of time.  I was seriously sick for a week, moderately sick for the next week and and mildly sick for two more weeks.  However, I don't really think I am fully recovered yet and the sickness started over the Labor Day holiday.  When DM picked me up at the airport she was hesitant to let me in her car because I looked so awful.  She told me that she sprayed the entire car down with Lysol as soon as she got home.  In week three of the plague I was in a meeting at work with three of our executives and I had to excuse myself twice because I began to cough so hard it sounded and felt like my lungs were trying to exit my body via my mouth.  Not cool.  After the second time I didn't even try to go back to the meeting. 


C.  I learned that Unicorns suck.

D.  Biking season is slowly winding down with darkness coming earlier and earlier each day.  The BGI weekly rides have ended and we had a great group dinner to celebrate.  About 12 people showed up for the dinner and it made me so happy to look around the table and realize how many new friends I made over the summer.  Not just acquaintances but new friendships that have grown beyond biking.  It was a good summer.

E.  I did some cool events in September.  I visited the Propylaeum and painted a picture with a good friend.  I went on a chilly but fun bike ride in Carmel.  I helped my brother move.  BTW...two story homes suck!  I attended my first baby shower in at least five years.   I made a new tradition of biking and eating dinner with friends every Wednesday night.  We often stay out to late talking and drinking beer.  Good times.  Also, I got another root canal.

F.  It is now October my favorite and least favorite month of the year.

G.  I am going to Europe over Christmas.  Woo Hoo!!!!  AL and I just made our lodging reservations for Dusseldorf and Paris.

Coke Zero...Diet Coke...Cherry Zero

I miss you and I think about you all the time.  I sit at work with my head on my hand dreaming of your fizzy wonderful taste.

Seriously, this is what I do.  I think about it all the time.  I gave up pop about three weeks ago and I would have thought that the cravings would have been gone by now.  Not so.  How could the addiction be so strong.  I haven't caved but this is one of the hardest things in my life right now.  I wish the thoughts would go away. 

Jeez...if this is how I feel about pop I cannot imagine kicking cocaine. I am glad I never started that bad habit.

How do you decide if someone you know is prejudiced?

Something happened to me last week that made me really uncomfortable.  I went to lunch with three ladies to a great Soul Food Restaurant called Kountry Kitchen.  The food was delicious but it was located in a predominantly black neighborhood.  When my friend suggested the restaurant and told me the location I didn't think twice about it as I was only dreaming of the yummy comfort food I was going to eat.  Plus, I ride my bike through that area often in the summer and I have never had any problems.

I drove us to the restaurant and as we got closer one of my companions began to make racist comments about the area.  I looked at her in the mirror and asked her if she thought just because someone was black they were they going to accost her on the street.   She didn't reply to my question.  The uncomfortable comments continued through lunch and on the way back to work. 

As the time progressed I began to get more and more upset.  After I got back to work I began to think about the last hour and I got more and more mad about her ignorance.  I didn't like her behavior or what she said but I didn't know how to handle it at the time.  How should I have reacted to her? 

Then...another thing happened today.  We had lunch together again and she began to tell me a story about her daughter going to a new school in Lawrence.  She was worried about the daughter and how she would react to a more racially diverse school.  I looked at her and said that children often react to these situations in the way they are taught at home.  She went on to say her hometown was almost 100% white and she was worried that her daughter would say something inappropriate because she is a bit mouthy..  I point blank asked her if she was racist and she said no.  But... these conversations led me to believe that she is.

I wish I was better at confrontational conversations.  I wish I was more articulate in telling her my beliefs that I am not racist and I don't like to be around people who are.  What is the best way to handle these kinds of conversations?

Small Steps

 I am an emotional eater.  Sigh. That is the cold hard truth of things.  For the last few months I have been very upset by something in my life and per my usual MO I have been eating out of control.  I NEED for this terrible pattern to stop.  Therefore, I have decided to implement a series of small steps that will enable me to get my eating back on track.

The first small step started last Monday.  I decided to quit drinking pop.  It was tough but I knew it was a good decision.  I decided to start with pop because I knew I was very addicted to it.  Um...Diet Cherry Zero ruled my life.  I always wanted it in the mornings and at lunch and and in the evenings.  I was drinking it all the time.  Then....they opened a McDonald's by my house and I started to stop every morning for a 32 oz Diet Coke (OK...I also got a breakfast sandwich).  This went on for a few weeks and I knew in the middle of was creating a very bad habit. 

So the pop stopped first and I was successful.  I have gone an entire week without drinking a carbonated beverage.  Woo Hoo!!!   It feels good to have control of that little aspect of my life.  But, I am not sure where I what to draw the beverage line.  Is the purpose of zero diet pop to eliminate Aspartame from my diet?  Can I still drink Crystal light?  I have been drinking it but I do sort of consider it on the same level as pop.  It adds unnecessary chemicals to my body.  Is it better to drink something with regular sugar and add the calories or should I just strictly drink iced tea, milk and water?  I haven't decided yet but I am in my "thinking" mode.

Today is the beginning of week two and I decided this weeks small step would be for me to bring my lunch 4 days this week.  Ugg...this is so hard because it really cuts into my socialization at work.  I love hanging out with my co-workers during lunch.  We enjoy talking and catching up.  I have tried to convince a few friends to bring their lunches but I am not sure it will really work.  I know the first time I am asked out when I have my packed lunch is going to be very hard for me. I know I will want to go out with them but I will have to say NO.  I have considered the idea of taking my lunch with me when they go out and it could work at some locations but not others.  Subway and Starbucks are easy because they have outside seating but a regular restaurant might not like that to much.


Now is the time for me to plan in advance.  I am not sure what direction I want to head for next weeks small step but these are some things I am considering.

1.  Eating dinner out only 3 nights per week
2.  Tracking my food (Ugg...I really hate hate hate this idea)
3.  Limiting desserts
4.  Eating a fruit or vegetable with every meal
5.  Eliminating fried foods
6.  Ok...I am out of ideas...

Do any of my loyal;) readers have any ideas for me? Any helpful hints?  I know I am not usually successful when I am tracking my food because I become obsessed with the food.  I am trying to make small changes that will help me in my long term weight loss goals.  I don't want to implement anything that isn't sustainable in the long term. I know overall healthier eating is going to be my long term solution but I just need to get there.

Intentions

What makes a person decide that someone else has good or bad intentions?  I think that many mis-communications revolve around the thinking that someone else has malicious intentions when presenting them with information.

For Example:  I have been trying to get a co-worker to join my book club.  I have asked her to join me several times and she says that she is interested but she hasn't read any of the books.  I decided to "surprise" her and I ordered her a copy of this months book on Amazon.  Since I considered this a surprise I didn't give her a waring about the packages arrival last Wednesday.  Then I forgot about it...until today.  I walked over to her cube and asked her if she has received any presents in the mail lately.  She gave me a blank look and said no.  After a few seconds I could see that she started to think about it and then her face changed from pleasant to mad.  She asked me if it was a book. I said yes with a giant smile on my face. 

She told me that she got it last week and she was very angry because she thought someone sent it to her to say that she was dumb because the book is about a mentally challenged boy.  She called up her family and interrogated them to find out who sent it and she even called Amazon to see if they shipped it to her by mistake.  She really thought someone sent her the book out of meanness.  After she corralled her emotions she laughed but she did throw me out of her cube.  I guess I could have given her warning about the books arrival but in my mind that would have ruined the surprise.

It made me feel good to send her the book and it made me sad that people often take acts of kindness out of context.  I don't understand why so many people look for the bad in others and often assume that someone is trying to do them wrong.  I am over this way of thinking.  Why can't we just talk to each other and assume the best in others instead of the worst?

Another example also happened at work.  A friend came up to me and the first thing she said was, "You look tired.".  Um...wow.  My first instinct was to think she was being rude but my second thought was to think she was expressing concern for me.  I probably did look tired and needed additional rest and that is how I chose to take that comment.

I just wish people could take information at face value instead of reading so many different things into a conversation.  (Me included). 

Birthday(s) in July

I don't usually like to purchase gifts for birthdays for my nieces and nephews because I want to give them something to build positive memories of us doing things together.   I like to take them on an outing to do something they enjoy and spend time with them one on one.  I decided that since both Sarah and Paige's birthdays were in December (ummm...2010) it might be time I gave them their gifts.

Paige was up first.  She requested an evening of shopping and dinner.  Ugg..she is 8 and she LOVES to shop.  When I called her up to tell her of my plans I asked her where she would like to eat and she replied "Old Country Buffet".  Gag...disgusting.  I decided she had ZERO taste buds.  However, after further conversation she changed her mind to The Journey.  Still a buffet but it is a step up from OCB. 

I arrived at her house on Friday night about 5:30 and she was all dressed up and waiting for me.  She wore a cute little dress and heels.  OMG...she was so adorable and she made me feel so boring in my jeans and sneakers.  As soon as we got into the car she began to talk and talk and talk.  Apparently, she has lots of things to say and not enough people to listen.  FYI...the first 30 minutes of conversation was about fashion.  Shoes, dresses and styles.  Where did she learn this stuff?  At one point in the evening she asked me if she was talking to much.  I laughed and said that she is a girl and she talked a normal amount for a girl.  I think she was too young to understand the implied yes to her question.  But as I also like to talk it really didn't bother me.  Silence is much much worse.

We enjoyed our dinner together and she had terrific table manners.  She was polite and she even tried some new foods.  The buffet had a variety of sushi and I encouraged her to try several bites of mine and she liked them all.  It is nice to be around a kid who likes more than chicken fingers and fries.  After dinner we headed to the mall.  She was so excited.  She took me by the hand and lead me around to her favorite stores.  The first stop was the music store where she looked at DVD's and games for her DS.  Then it was Gamestop where she tried to get me to buy her a game. I said no as the purpose of the trip was to look at clothes.  Then she took me to a (horrible) pre-teen store called Justice.  Yuck!  I just didn't like the vibe of the store.  I let her walk around and look at stuff but I knew we were not going to be buying anything in that store.  After about 30 minutes I encouraged her to check out Macy's.  She has never been in that store so she was a bit reluctant to try it out.

When we found the little girls section her eyes got large and a giant smile was plastered on her face. She was VERY pleased with their selection of items and she was in dress heaven.  We walked around and she found several items to her liking and her little arms got very full with dresses.  By the time we were done combing the girls section I think she had picked out at least 20 dresses and two bathing suits to try on.  I went in the dressing room with her and helped keep her organized.


















 She found one dress she loved!  She was so happy but there was a second pants outfit that also was a great hit.  And...I ended up buying her both.  I tried to get her to pick a different dress because it was so long but her mind couldn't be swayed.  She wanted it and I thought what the heck...it was her birthday present and it didn't have to be practical.

The next stop was Claire's.  She wanted something pretty to matcher her new dress.  She found the friendship necklace section and she was hooked.  She found one that had 3 pieces because she has two best friends.  LOL.  We spent most of the ride home discussing who was going to get which section on the necklace.

I got her home close to 10pm and she was exhausted.  It was a great evening and I know she enjoyed the entire experience much more than getting a dress to open on her actual birthday.

Sarah was up the next day and she had a much different request.  Currently, her favorite TV show is Man Vs. Food.  They did a segment in Carmel at Bub's and ever since she saw that show she has wanted to go and try it out.  I decided I would take her for a bike ride on the Monon and then we would stop by Bub's at the end.  She was so excited when I came to pick her up on Saturday that she ran out to the car to greet me. 

Her bike was ready and waiting for me to load up in the driveway. She even asked if she could ride her step-mothers bike so she could "keep up" with me.  LOL.  I parked at the trailhead on Rohar road near 146th Street and we headed North.  She was excited because she had never rode on the new section of the monon.  We made it to the end in Westfield and we turned around and headed back south.  We rode about nine miles by the time we got to Bub's and she was famished and excited to check out the restaurant.  PS...when we arrived at Bub's she told me she thought I was trying to kill her...perhaps nine miles was a bit much for her.

I walked her inside and took her photo next to the big picture of the Man Vs. Food dude.  She acted a bit embarrassed but I know she loved the attention.  We only had to wait 20ish minutes and we got a seat inside.  Woo Hoo...air conditioning.  She wanted to try the Big burger but  I coaxed her into getting the smaller burger and we shared some fries.  Yummy!  She was in heaven after her first bite. 

While we were there I bought her an offical Bub's t-shirt and I know that made her day.  We topped off our burger lunch with some scrumptious ice cream and we were FULL.  The bike ride back to the car was painful and I couldn't wait for a nap.

Just like Paige...I think Sarah really enjoyed her birthday outing and hopefully they both thought it was worth the wait.

Trust

How do you decide to trust someone?  What goes into the build up of trust and the breakdown of trust?

I have a friend who has been in a relationship for two months and she clearly doesn't trust her new boyfriend.  At the first opportunity she has read his texts and emails on his phone.  She has even been known to go through his desk to look at his correspondence.  She is basically looking for any evidence that he is cheating or is thinking of cheating on her.  I was shocked when I witnessed this behavior firsthand and I didn't understand it.  Is this normal girl relationship behavior?

I usually trust people until they give me a reason not to.  However, this person thinks of things the opposite way...basically the guy needs to prove his trust.  She even involved me in a texting ruse that made me very uncomfortable.  I wish I hadn't said yes.  But to her this behavior was perfectly normal.  When we were talking about this to another friend she was in total agreement.  To both of them spying was a perfectly natural part of a relationship.  Maybe not natural, but necessary.


I brought this topic up to a married friend over the weekend and she gave me a very similar answer.  She didn't really comment on behavior prior to marriage but she did say that once people were married your email accounts, texts and phones were always open to the other person.  Really?  I was astonished by this answer.  I think my phone and email are private and I couldn't imagine sharing access to them with anyone even when I was married.  This isn't because I feel it would be necessary to hide things from a SO but because there should be trust between people.  Am I being native?  I have known several women who have found out about someone cheating on them by reading their emails or texts.  Would a man see my desire to keep my phone and email private as a mechanism of cheating or at least to have to the ability do do questionable activities?

Yesterday, I was on Facebook when an old friend from High School commented on a post.  We had a few comments back and forth and then we moved the conversation over to the FB IM platform.  It was fun and flirty.  I can see how easily this would happen to someone in a relationship.  Because I am single I have the luxury to respond to flirty messages on FB but I can see how easily this kind of thing could get out of hand.  Talking to an old friend starts innocently enough.  You want to know about their life and what has happened to them since you last spoke but it can so easily move to a different level.  This is where trust comes in..  You have to trust that your SO knows the difference between catching up with an old friend and the slippery slope that happens just after catching up.


I think I am naturally a trusting person.  I have never been cheated on but I have been burned by several people.  Once I am burned I am generally very cautious with the other person and sometimes the trust can be built back up but not always.  The other thing is I usually forgive easily.  I know many people who cannot or will not forgive and I imagine that comes from being burned too many times.

I have had several conversations with another friend who applied this concept to friendships.  She has mentioned to me that she has a real hard time trusting her friends because she has been burned with to many hurt feelings in the past.  I understand where she is coming from.  She isn't a person who would spy on her friends but she is a person who would be cautious with her feelings and thoughts around friends as to not get judged for them.  I am the opposite and I usually tell most everyone what I am thinking about and feeling.  This has caused me some grief.  I know my brother has commented to me several times that he is often surprised by the content of my blog because he is worried that other people could judge me.  I say let them judge.  I have found my life to be a much happier existence when I can be free and open and share my thoughts with others.


I guess I am writing this blog to say that I am glad that I am not jaded (yet).  I don't think I want to change this characteristic about myself.  I want to be able to be myself around everyone I consider a friend or even someone I am considering for a relationship.  I want to stay trusting and I don't want to be the girl who feels it necessary to spy on others because of a lack of self confidence.

Ireland

We (I) decided to interact with the wildlife at the castle before we headed on to our next destination.  There was a small electrified fence between me and the donkeys and I decided I jump over it.  Ok...not really...there was one low spot that I was able to step over.  Can you imagine me trying to run and jump over a fence.  HA...that may have been the end of the vacation. 

The Donkeys were very nice and friendly.  The let me come right up to them and pet them.  I think they really liked the guests of the castle.  Look...Gretchen also joined in on the animal fun.

But...this was my object.  I really really really wanted to touch the miniature house and the baby miniature horse.  Aren't they adorable? At first I concentrated all my efforts becoming a Ninja and using stealth to creep up on the little horses.  Um...the were not fooled.  Then I tried to pretend I was walking to the end of the pasture to "inspect" the fence.  Again...I wasn't fooling the horses.

Then I tried an all out run in their direction.  I am pretty sure I heard them laughing at my pathetic attempt to catch them.  I think they even taunted me..."Hey Lady...we have 4 legs and you only have two.  Give it up as it is never going to happen."  They were right.  They never let me get close enough to pet them and I was very disappointed.

This is me walking back to the Donkeys after I admitted defeat.  I was pretty annoyed.

Gretchen and I wanted to make sure to properly photograph the entire grounds of the castle so here I am with the lion statue.

We spent the next few hours driving to Killarney and then we drove through their National Park.  It was super awesome.  The park was one of my favorite parts of the trip.  It was green and beautiful and gigantic.  We decided to take a little horse cart ride in the park and the guy driving our horse provided us with some of the best insight on the locals.  The guy we met worked as an orderly at a local psychiatric hospital and he and Gretchen had a great discussion on the Irish health care system.  He also told us a bit about the countries economy from his perspective.  Apparently, there was a large boom in their economy a few years ago and the Irish opened their borders and allowed mass immigration. It is difficult to get locals to work in the service industry and most service workers come from Eastern Europe.  But he was very clear to say that they only allowed "white" immigrants.  I had no idea that the country was so racist.  Shortly after the immigration boom the economy took a horrible turn for the worse and jobs and money dried up. But the Irish constitution allows for all immigrants to partake in the generous social welfare system.  So part of the problem in turning their country back around is having too many unemployed people draining the governmental funds. 

Gretchen and I being silly as we walked up to the local waterfall.

Beautiful!

The driver told me that the water was very pure and I could drink it if I wanted to.  So I did.  Yea...it was a bit awkward to climb around on the rocks so I could take a sip of water.  And...it tasted like water.

Finally, I was done driving and I could enjoy several beers with dinner.

Beer #2  I believe my eyes were getting a bit glazed over.

And Beer #3

We were hanging out in a pub listing to some traditional Irish music.

The music was good and the beer was even better.  Another great day in Ireland.

Marriage & Friendship

I was talking to my brother about the commitment of Marriage this morning and how to him, it is the glue that keeps his relationship working.  It was an interesting conversation and it made me think. 

The conversation started with me telling him that I couldn't imagine ever getting married.  He asked why?  I just said it wasn't something that I could see for myself at any point in the near or distant future.  He seemed surprised and I think that wasn't something he expected me to say. What started as a marriage conversation quickly turned to a conversation about the nature of relationships. 

Part of his viewpoint on this topic revolved around conflict resolution.  He feels it is easy to end relationships outside of marriage and that marriage is the glue that reminds people to work on their problems.

Quote from Lou, "The commitment of marriages helps force the meeting or at least the understanding of each others view points.  My wife and I will never agree on everything all of the time but we have the commitment to each other to continue to work on the issues that arise."

Lou thinks it is much harder to end a marriage than it is to end a long term relationship because there is only implied commitment.  I don't really look at it that way. I feel that the commitment is in your heart and not on a piece of paper.  So why would it be necessary to have a marriage certificate that says you are committed to that other person.

This made me think of a current problem in my life.  I had a friendship that recently imploded.  I felt that I tried to work through our problems but the other person found it easier to end the friendship than to work on fixing the problem.  Was this due to a lack of "commitment" in our friendship.  I realize that friendships are different than marriages but I have seen so many strong long lasting friendships and very few strong long lasting marriages.  From my experience I feel that you have to work towards things that are hard and important to you.

So what do you do?  How long to you try to work on your problems with the other person until you just give up.  I feel that I have done everything I could do to salvage our friendship.  I even did something extremely out of character and fairly confrontational.  I dropped by her house without warning so we could talk.  She appeared to be shocked by my appearance and also not interested in talking to me.  I am not sure my surprise appearance helped anything.   Is this the point in which I give up?  It is very apparent that this person wants nothing to do with me.  How hard do I fight for this friendship?  Should I fight?   IDK.  I want to fight but I keep hitting a brick wall.

The other great insight that brother Lou had to offer was the similarity in our personalities (the friend and I).  We are both stubborn people and he thinks that neither of us are willing to bend to the friendship needs and that is the reason we are not able to move forward.  Plus he thinks neither of us are willing to see each others viewpoint or accept each other as we are.  Wise words from my twice married brother.

What is the implied commitment in friendships.  When I decided to be a close friend to someone I feel I am in that friendship for the long term.   I have several people who I consider close friends and those friendships haven't been perfect.  There have been bumps in the road and bad feelings on each side.  In each case I knew I wanted to find a way to fix those friendships and it usually involved an apology and real forgiveness.  But forgiveness was the true key.  Without true forgiveness I don't think you can move forward in any relationship, friendship or marriage.

First Dates are hard....

I met a guy online a few weeks ago and we went out last Sunday afternoon.  We had been talking for a few weeks via the dating website when we finally decided to meet.  I had to do the hard step of asking him out so I planned the date. We met at a McAlisters Deli for lunch and then for a walk on the Monon.  I gave him my phone number and he called me on Saturday night.  And we talked...and talked and talked through the storm and the electricity turning on and off over ten times.  At least my cell phone wasn't effected by the harsh weather conditions.  I think we ended up talking on the phone for an hour and a half.  I was surprised it was so long because he was a stranger.

I planned to meet him at 1pm on Sunday so I would get plenty of time for sleeping and it allowed for extra "getting ready" time.  Funny girl moment.  I originally had on a new top and my brown shorts because I didn't want to be hot for the walk.  I left the house and as I started down the street I began to regret the shorts.  I changed my mind and I drove around the block and right back into my garage and donned a pair of jeans.  Sigh...seriously wardrobe is hard for me.

I arrived about 10 minutes early and I walked into the restaurant and looked around for him.  I didn't see him but when I turned around to hang out by the front door he was there. He had arrived 30 minutes early and waited in his car till I arrived.  We got in line and we were behind tons of people so immediately started a conversation.  We were in line about ten minutes and close to the counter when I abruptly said "Focus...do you know what you want to eat.".   He laughed and said yes and since I knew what I wanted there was no need to focus on the menu board.  Things are much easier that way.  He asked me if I would like him to pay.  I looked at him and said since I asked him out wasn't it my responsibility to pay.  He said no he would pay if it didn't offend me.  Check 1 for being on time and check 2 for being a gentleman.

Lunch was good and we there was no awkward pauses.  Just great conversation.  Plus it was good conversation.  Not the typical get to know you questions about silly stuff.  We talked about stuff we both like books, music, religion, and life in general.  We hung out in the restaurant for a while after we were done eating to make sure it wasn't going to rain.  When the weather looked clear we drove (separately) over to the Monon and went for a 3 mile walk.  The walk involved more of the same...great conversation.

The date ended after 3.5 hours of food, walking and conversation. I think the most awkward part of the first date was the ending.  We were talking by our cars and I was done.  I am often abrupt when I am ready to move on to my new task and I was tired of being "super Candace" and I was ready for a break.  So I told him I had a good time and we should hang out again and I left. 

I texted him on Monday to say Hi and in our conversation we set up a second date for Friday.  He did the planning this time and we decided to meet for dinner after work and to go bowling.  I told him that I sucked at that activity but I thought it would be fun.

Date #2 was a success!  We met for dinner at The Rusty Bucket on the North side and things were good.  Our conversation began quickly and never stopped.  We arrived at the restaurant at 6:30 and we were there for a long time.  We both went to the bathroom at 9:30 and when we met at back at the table we laughed because it was to late to go bowling.  I assure you I wasn't broken up about it.  But we sat down and continued talking...and talking and talking.  The next time I looked at my phone it was 11:00pm.  Holy Cow we were at the restaurant for 4.5 hours.  Seriously!  In the middle of a sentence he began to laugh and he told me that our server was behind me and she was pointing to our table and laughing and then she nudged another server and they were both laughing at us.  I guess it was time to leave the restaurant.

This was a good beginning.

PS...interesting fact.  I was telling my friend at work about this guy and she asked to see a photo...I brought up is online profile picture and showed it to her and she let out a giant gasp.  She knew the guy.  She worked with him at her last job.  Small world.

Ireland

We were sad but we had to leave Galway and move on to our next destination, Tralee.  We took the expressway and drove South for a couple of hours and we decided to drive through the Dingle peninsula on our way to Tralee.  It was cold and desolate but beautiful.  

 At one point I decided that I just needed to see the beach so I pulled over on an access road and headed in the direction of the shore.  I found a trailer park, I wish we had taken a few pictures because it was weird, and I parked the car.  We walked over a few small sand dunes and found this great beach.

 As usual, there was always time for action shots.

 These are the times when we missed our friend NE.  He was always a great photographer.  I guess we did ok on our own.

 After our afternoon drive we found our lodging for the night.  A REAL CASTLE!!!!!

 Our room was located in the bottom floor of the hotel and it was kind of underground.

 This was our room.  Gallagher.  Awesome.  I have never stayed in a named room.  Very cool.

 It was Gretchen's job to remember where we parked the car.  I know you would think it would be my job since I was the driver but I decided that was the navigators job.  We parked "somewhere"  near this street.

Finally, we found a pub with some traditional Irish music.

I promise I only had 1/2 a beer as it was my job to stay sober for the drive home.  This was our table friend.  His name was Richard (Ok...I really couldn't remember his name...I just made that up) but I do remember that he was from Leeds in the UK.  He and his wife were retired and they were touring Ireland in their motor home that they brought over via a boat.

Finally, we made a friend to take our picture together.

Um...so we couldn't find the car when we left the bar.  It was probably due to the fact that I insisted we exit the bar from a different door than we entered.  Something about me being stubborn and refusing to walk through the crowd.  Anyway on our search for the car I found this in a window and I knew a photo was necessary.

We made it back to the castle.

We took this time to take "action" shots throughout the castle since most of the guests were in bed.

The Kings chair.

I may have been a bit too friendly with the knight.

Gretchen had the same idea.

There were two dogs that lived in the castle and roamed free.  We found this big guy trying to sleep and Gretchen was missing her dogs so she tried to cuddle with the castle dog.  I don't think he was interested.

Ireland

Ashford Castle near Cong Village and Abbey

This was our second castle sighting while in Ireland.  However, it was much more impressive than the first one.  It was truly beautiful and something you cannot see in the US.  Plus we found it by accident.  I turned up a long road and their it was.  It is currently in use as a fancy hotel.

 There was a little town next to the hotel/castle called Cong.  They had a little Abbey you could tour and Gretchen and I took a few minutes to pose for silly pictures.  I think I am "singing in the rain" in the one below.

 There was a little woods off of the Abbey and I enjoyed acting like a monkey.

 We held up a family taking a walk while we were taking this picture.

 We were driving to our next destination when we encountered this road.  FYI it is for two way traffic.  Luckily, I never encountered another car while I was driving on it.

 This is a typical example of what the countryside looks like in Ireland.  I felt that the look and feel of their countryside was so different than any other place I have visited.  It was natural and rural but not backwards.  It just had its own vibe.

 We stopped at this little deserted pub for lunch.  We were the only guests but they served me a delicious beef stew with brown bread.  Plus the owner got bonus points for giving me three chocolate digestives (fyi chocolate cookies).  Gretchen wanted to come back to this pub on Saturday night for a authentic local pub experience but it just wasn't practical.  It was to far from our final destination.

 Our next stop was the Kylemore Abbey.  Our first view of it was breathtaking.  The castle was originally built by man for his wife who died suddenly after it was completed.  It was eventually taken over by a Benedictine Order of Nuns who still live there today.  It used to be a school but the nuns have gotten to old to run it.  BTW...I asked a few questions of the nun sitting in the lobby and she was quite sassy.  She asked me where I was from and I replied the US.  She said, "Duh, I knew you were from the US as soon as you opened your mouth."  She was sassy and I loved it.  We got to tour several rooms inside the castle as well as the grounds.

 This was a waterfall on the Abbey grounds.

 Gretchen took some time to smell the flowers.

 The Gardens!  I have never seen anything like it.  They were restored to the original Victorian design.  I loved the precise geometry and the placement of each flower bed.

 After we left the Abbey we stopped by the Connemara National Park.  It was just a few KM from the Abbey and worth the stop.  There was three paths to choose from, red, yellow and something else;)  The yellow was 1.5km long and since we were both tired at this point we chose the shorter option.  Except...I was leading us and I refused to look at the map.  And I didn't see any signs so I forged ahead.  After we completed the large circle we found the sign...going the other direction.  I accidentally took us on the right path, just in the wrong direction. 

As a side note we stopped by the cafe before the walk and had a small snack.  When we started the walk I forgot a very important item in the cafe.  My purse.  Gasp.  I would have been royally screwed without it.  However, I am forever grateful to the employee who came chasing us down the path to return it.  Wow!  What great luck.

 I really don't know why I am a diva in all of these photos.

 Gretchen was revolting.  I guess there was too much activity for one day.  She was ready for a break.

 I loved the little sheep.  We were driving back to our B&B when we saw several of them loose on the road.  I decided this was the perfect time to try and pet one.  I parked the car and took off down the road with a reluctant Gretchen in tow.  Every time I would get close to the baby sheep they would run away.  It was quite humorous to see me trying to chase them with Gretchen taking photos.  They eluded me this time.

Finally, the day was about to end.  I had Gretchen take this photo because every time I saw it I cracked up.  I know it means watch for children crossing the road but every time I saw it I kept thinking "watch for stupid children".  I don't know why...but this picture makes me think the children are dumb.