How do you decide to trust someone? What goes into the build up of trust and the breakdown of trust?
I have a friend who has been in a relationship for two months and she clearly doesn't trust her new boyfriend. At the first opportunity she has read his texts and emails on his phone. She has even been known to go through his desk to look at his correspondence. She is basically looking for any evidence that he is cheating or is thinking of cheating on her. I was shocked when I witnessed this behavior firsthand and I didn't understand it. Is this normal girl relationship behavior?
I usually trust people until they give me a reason not to. However, this person thinks of things the opposite way...basically the guy needs to prove his trust. She even involved me in a texting ruse that made me very uncomfortable. I wish I hadn't said yes. But to her this behavior was perfectly normal. When we were talking about this to another friend she was in total agreement. To both of them spying was a perfectly natural part of a relationship. Maybe not natural, but necessary.
I brought this topic up to a married friend over the weekend and she gave me a very similar answer. She didn't really comment on behavior prior to marriage but she did say that once people were married your email accounts, texts and phones were always open to the other person. Really? I was astonished by this answer. I think my phone and email are private and I couldn't imagine sharing access to them with anyone even when I was married. This isn't because I feel it would be necessary to hide things from a SO but because there should be trust between people. Am I being native? I have known several women who have found out about someone cheating on them by reading their emails or texts. Would a man see my desire to keep my phone and email private as a mechanism of cheating or at least to have to the ability do do questionable activities?
Yesterday, I was on Facebook when an old friend from High School commented on a post. We had a few comments back and forth and then we moved the conversation over to the FB IM platform. It was fun and flirty. I can see how easily this would happen to someone in a relationship. Because I am single I have the luxury to respond to flirty messages on FB but I can see how easily this kind of thing could get out of hand. Talking to an old friend starts innocently enough. You want to know about their life and what has happened to them since you last spoke but it can so easily move to a different level. This is where trust comes in.. You have to trust that your SO knows the difference between catching up with an old friend and the slippery slope that happens just after catching up.
I think I am naturally a trusting person. I have never been cheated on but I have been burned by several people. Once I am burned I am generally very cautious with the other person and sometimes the trust can be built back up but not always. The other thing is I usually forgive easily. I know many people who cannot or will not forgive and I imagine that comes from being burned too many times.
I have had several conversations with another friend who applied this concept to friendships. She has mentioned to me that she has a real hard time trusting her friends because she has been burned with to many hurt feelings in the past. I understand where she is coming from. She isn't a person who would spy on her friends but she is a person who would be cautious with her feelings and thoughts around friends as to not get judged for them. I am the opposite and I usually tell most everyone what I am thinking about and feeling. This has caused me some grief. I know my brother has commented to me several times that he is often surprised by the content of my blog because he is worried that other people could judge me. I say let them judge. I have found my life to be a much happier existence when I can be free and open and share my thoughts with others.
I guess I am writing this blog to say that I am glad that I am not jaded (yet). I don't think I want to change this characteristic about myself. I want to be able to be myself around everyone I consider a friend or even someone I am considering for a relationship. I want to stay trusting and I don't want to be the girl who feels it necessary to spy on others because of a lack of self confidence.
1 comment:
You go girl. Good blog. I am like you. I trust friends and relationships until that person gives me a reason to not trust them. However, I have never been faced with the whole FB thing in a relationship. My purse is my private affair. When I was married, I never felt the need to look in my husband’s wallet and he would hand me my purse if I told him to get something from it. When I was in my last serious relationship, we would camp a lot. When he would go shower, he would hand me his wallet and tell me to take care of it while he was gone. Another girl at the campground could not believe he would do that. Her boyfriend would never hand her his wallet. Maybe that is why they were living at the campground that summer and he would go into town, supposedly to work, every day and leave her alone. I think she was insecure and just did not want to know.
I think a person knows when to trust and when to suspect. I could not sit here and say I would not snoop if I suspected my spouse or friend of cheating or any other dishonest act. I think you would know, and if ignored that feeling, then you probably don’t really want to know. I would just ask point blank and judge by their answer.
If I were with someone that I had to go into their FB or phone or wallet, then the relationship is not worth it anyway. Who would want to live their life doing that all the time? You would just be miserable.
But you have to be cautious in today’s society of meeting people completely unknown to you and starting a relationship. I know how I like to be treated and if I don’t get the respect and kindness and thoughtfulness I want and I deserve, then I get out of the relationship.
LL
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