It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to

It was my birthday last month and I decided to celebrate it by throwing myself a party. As I began to plan the party I realized that this was the first birthday party I’ve had as an adult. I’ve had casual get-togethers with friends and family but nothing as formal as a pre-planned party. Plus, I only remember having one friend party as a child. It was a combo party with my brother and it was held at the local skating rink. I was in the fourth grade and my brother was in the second grade. Our mom somehow managed to get our class lists and she prepared us invitations. We were supposed to take them to school and hand them out to our classmates. However, I distinctly remember being too embarrassed to hand them out to the boys at school. I ended up hiding the boy’s invitations in my book bag and I only invited the girls from my class. Apparently, fourth grade was an awkward age for me. My memory tells me that only three or four classmates showed up for me but my little brother had a roomful of friends. As an adult I still fall back on that memory whenever I’ve planned any gathering at my house and I always worry that no one will show up.

A few years ago I was on a girls trip to Florida with three friends, and it happened to be over my birthday weekend. They tried to surprise me while we were there by getting me a cake and singing happy birthday to me. I was mortified. I felt on the verge of tears and I made them stop singing to me. Seriously, I made them stop. It was a ridiculous thing for me to do and I own that, but at the time I wasn't willing to deal with my negative emotions about my birthday.

Ever since I turned 35 I have felt very depressed as my birthday month rolled around. A new birthday would come along and I would realize that I was still stagnant in my life and I haven’t fulfilled my two important life goals. So, I've avoided my birthdays. I haven’t wanted to celebrate them and I don’t remind my friends of the date. I even took the date off of facebook and I've asked the HR people at work to not advertise the date on our employee board or on our website. I keep wishing my birthday wouldn't happen and for time to stand still but it never does.

I decided to take a different route this year because it was a milestone birthday. The big 4-0. I had two choices. The first one was to act like an asshole like I've have for the last several years (ie..not letting my friends sing happy birthday to me) or I could try to embrace my birthday. I chose the later and decided to throw myself a party. Unfortunately, I still had some anxiety that no one would show up or they wouldn't stay for long.Therefore, I called my brother at least eight times to make sure that he, his wife and two of his children would show up so I could be assured that someone would be at my house.

I worked super hard on the day of the party to make tons of food to make sure everyone would have a good time at my house. I made three pans of lasagna from scratch, two meat and one veggie for my vegetarian friends. I made cookies, crab dip and a caramel pretzel dessert. I made carrots with cream cheese and hot apple cider. Basically, I went overboard. I worked for six full hours before the party to get everything ready. I was even in such a panic that I wouldn't be done in time that my brother brought his 13-year-old daughter over to help me, and she was fantastic. She did everything I asked of her and was happy to do it. I was super appreciative of her help.

When my guests started to arrive I finally relaxed and let myself enjoy the gathering and my guests. Everyone seemed to enjoy my food and the party. I think I had between 20 and 25 people show up and most people stayed for the duration of the party. I felt loved. Many people gave me a hug when they arrived and when they departed. I also received some unexpected gifts. Lots of wine and beer but I also received a gold pair of earrings, some flowers, a Starbucks gift card, and a cool candle holder and a mirror for my bike. The presents were very unexpected but appreciated.

I was also surprised with a special Star Trek birthday cake and I LOVED it. I think I even jumped up and down in joy. It was such a surprising and thoughtful gift. Virginia remembered me saying that I’ve always wanted one and she kept that in her memory banks for eight months while she waited for my birthday to arrive. It was tasty as well as being beautiful. I had another friend bring me a three layer chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and chocolate ganache. I was in chocolate heaven and I loved it. I felt so lucky to have two birthday cakes.

In the party invite I gave the guests an option to wear costumes. I don’t like wearing costumes but many of my friends are avid cosplayers and I knew they would enjoy celebrating the holiday by dressing up. Kristine was Lt. Uhura from Star Trek and she had on the classic short red dress and black boots. As a side note she even had to twerk in the short skirt during our game. Someone else had a ‘20’s themed outfit and someone had a long blond wig. I’m sure there were others but I don’t remember that now.

I’m very glad I was able to overcome my past fears. I also know that I have an incredible group of friends. I’ve worked very hard on finding quality caring people to have in my life. Specifically, I’ve found people I can truly be myself around and who are appreciative of my personality traits and like me. The bottom line was that my party was a success and everyone made me feel loved and appreciated.