How do you decide to trust someone? What goes into the build up of trust and the breakdown of trust?
I have a friend who has been in a relationship for two months and she clearly doesn't trust her new boyfriend. At the first opportunity she has read his texts and emails on his phone. She has even been known to go through his desk to look at his correspondence. She is basically looking for any evidence that he is cheating or is thinking of cheating on her. I was shocked when I witnessed this behavior firsthand and I didn't understand it. Is this normal girl relationship behavior?
I usually trust people until they give me a reason not to. However, this person thinks of things the opposite way...basically the guy needs to prove his trust. She even involved me in a texting ruse that made me very uncomfortable. I wish I hadn't said yes. But to her this behavior was perfectly normal. When we were talking about this to another friend she was in total agreement. To both of them spying was a perfectly natural part of a relationship. Maybe not natural, but necessary.
I brought this topic up to a married friend over the weekend and she gave me a very similar answer. She didn't really comment on behavior prior to marriage but she did say that once people were married your email accounts, texts and phones were always open to the other person. Really? I was astonished by this answer. I think my phone and email are private and I couldn't imagine sharing access to them with anyone even when I was married. This isn't because I feel it would be necessary to hide things from a SO but because there should be trust between people. Am I being native? I have known several women who have found out about someone cheating on them by reading their emails or texts. Would a man see my desire to keep my phone and email private as a mechanism of cheating or at least to have to the ability do do questionable activities?
Yesterday, I was on Facebook when an old friend from High School commented on a post. We had a few comments back and forth and then we moved the conversation over to the FB IM platform. It was fun and flirty. I can see how easily this would happen to someone in a relationship. Because I am single I have the luxury to respond to flirty messages on FB but I can see how easily this kind of thing could get out of hand. Talking to an old friend starts innocently enough. You want to know about their life and what has happened to them since you last spoke but it can so easily move to a different level. This is where trust comes in.. You have to trust that your SO knows the difference between catching up with an old friend and the slippery slope that happens just after catching up.
I think I am naturally a trusting person. I have never been cheated on but I have been burned by several people. Once I am burned I am generally very cautious with the other person and sometimes the trust can be built back up but not always. The other thing is I usually forgive easily. I know many people who cannot or will not forgive and I imagine that comes from being burned too many times.
I have had several conversations with another friend who applied this concept to friendships. She has mentioned to me that she has a real hard time trusting her friends because she has been burned with to many hurt feelings in the past. I understand where she is coming from. She isn't a person who would spy on her friends but she is a person who would be cautious with her feelings and thoughts around friends as to not get judged for them. I am the opposite and I usually tell most everyone what I am thinking about and feeling. This has caused me some grief. I know my brother has commented to me several times that he is often surprised by the content of my blog because he is worried that other people could judge me. I say let them judge. I have found my life to be a much happier existence when I can be free and open and share my thoughts with others.
I guess I am writing this blog to say that I am glad that I am not jaded (yet). I don't think I want to change this characteristic about myself. I want to be able to be myself around everyone I consider a friend or even someone I am considering for a relationship. I want to stay trusting and I don't want to be the girl who feels it necessary to spy on others because of a lack of self confidence.
June 22, 2011
June 17, 2011
Ireland
We (I) decided to interact with the wildlife at the castle before we headed on to our next destination. There was a small electrified fence between me and the donkeys and I decided I jump over it. Ok...not really...there was one low spot that I was able to step over. Can you imagine me trying to run and jump over a fence. HA...that may have been the end of the vacation.
The Donkeys were very nice and friendly. The let me come right up to them and pet them. I think they really liked the guests of the castle. Look...Gretchen also joined in on the animal fun.
But...this was my object. I really really really wanted to touch the miniature house and the baby miniature horse. Aren't they adorable? At first I concentrated all my efforts becoming a Ninja and using stealth to creep up on the little horses. Um...the were not fooled. Then I tried to pretend I was walking to the end of the pasture to "inspect" the fence. Again...I wasn't fooling the horses.
Then I tried an all out run in their direction. I am pretty sure I heard them laughing at my pathetic attempt to catch them. I think they even taunted me..."Hey Lady...we have 4 legs and you only have two. Give it up as it is never going to happen." They were right. They never let me get close enough to pet them and I was very disappointed.
This is me walking back to the Donkeys after I admitted defeat. I was pretty annoyed.
Gretchen and I wanted to make sure to properly photograph the entire grounds of the castle so here I am with the lion statue.
We spent the next few hours driving to Killarney and then we drove through their National Park. It was super awesome. The park was one of my favorite parts of the trip. It was green and beautiful and gigantic. We decided to take a little horse cart ride in the park and the guy driving our horse provided us with some of the best insight on the locals. The guy we met worked as an orderly at a local psychiatric hospital and he and Gretchen had a great discussion on the Irish health care system. He also told us a bit about the countries economy from his perspective. Apparently, there was a large boom in their economy a few years ago and the Irish opened their borders and allowed mass immigration. It is difficult to get locals to work in the service industry and most service workers come from Eastern Europe. But he was very clear to say that they only allowed "white" immigrants. I had no idea that the country was so racist. Shortly after the immigration boom the economy took a horrible turn for the worse and jobs and money dried up. But the Irish constitution allows for all immigrants to partake in the generous social welfare system. So part of the problem in turning their country back around is having too many unemployed people draining the governmental funds.
Gretchen and I being silly as we walked up to the local waterfall.
Beautiful!
The driver told me that the water was very pure and I could drink it if I wanted to. So I did. Yea...it was a bit awkward to climb around on the rocks so I could take a sip of water. And...it tasted like water.
Finally, I was done driving and I could enjoy several beers with dinner.
Beer #2 I believe my eyes were getting a bit glazed over.
And Beer #3
We were hanging out in a pub listing to some traditional Irish music.
The music was good and the beer was even better. Another great day in Ireland.
June 16, 2011
Marriage & Friendship
I was talking to my brother about the commitment of Marriage this morning and how to him, it is the glue that keeps his relationship working. It was an interesting conversation and it made me think.
The conversation started with me telling him that I couldn't imagine ever getting married. He asked why? I just said it wasn't something that I could see for myself at any point in the near or distant future. He seemed surprised and I think that wasn't something he expected me to say. What started as a marriage conversation quickly turned to a conversation about the nature of relationships.
Part of his viewpoint on this topic revolved around conflict resolution. He feels it is easy to end relationships outside of marriage and that marriage is the glue that reminds people to work on their problems.
Quote from Lou, "The commitment of marriages helps force the meeting or at least the understanding of each others view points. My wife and I will never agree on everything all of the time but we have the commitment to each other to continue to work on the issues that arise."
Lou thinks it is much harder to end a marriage than it is to end a long term relationship because there is only implied commitment. I don't really look at it that way. I feel that the commitment is in your heart and not on a piece of paper. So why would it be necessary to have a marriage certificate that says you are committed to that other person.
This made me think of a current problem in my life. I had a friendship that recently imploded. I felt that I tried to work through our problems but the other person found it easier to end the friendship than to work on fixing the problem. Was this due to a lack of "commitment" in our friendship. I realize that friendships are different than marriages but I have seen so many strong long lasting friendships and very few strong long lasting marriages. From my experience I feel that you have to work towards things that are hard and important to you.
So what do you do? How long to you try to work on your problems with the other person until you just give up. I feel that I have done everything I could do to salvage our friendship. I even did something extremely out of character and fairly confrontational. I dropped by her house without warning so we could talk. She appeared to be shocked by my appearance and also not interested in talking to me. I am not sure my surprise appearance helped anything. Is this the point in which I give up? It is very apparent that this person wants nothing to do with me. How hard do I fight for this friendship? Should I fight? IDK. I want to fight but I keep hitting a brick wall.
The other great insight that brother Lou had to offer was the similarity in our personalities (the friend and I). We are both stubborn people and he thinks that neither of us are willing to bend to the friendship needs and that is the reason we are not able to move forward. Plus he thinks neither of us are willing to see each others viewpoint or accept each other as we are. Wise words from my twice married brother.
What is the implied commitment in friendships. When I decided to be a close friend to someone I feel I am in that friendship for the long term. I have several people who I consider close friends and those friendships haven't been perfect. There have been bumps in the road and bad feelings on each side. In each case I knew I wanted to find a way to fix those friendships and it usually involved an apology and real forgiveness. But forgiveness was the true key. Without true forgiveness I don't think you can move forward in any relationship, friendship or marriage.
The conversation started with me telling him that I couldn't imagine ever getting married. He asked why? I just said it wasn't something that I could see for myself at any point in the near or distant future. He seemed surprised and I think that wasn't something he expected me to say. What started as a marriage conversation quickly turned to a conversation about the nature of relationships.
Part of his viewpoint on this topic revolved around conflict resolution. He feels it is easy to end relationships outside of marriage and that marriage is the glue that reminds people to work on their problems.
Quote from Lou, "The commitment of marriages helps force the meeting or at least the understanding of each others view points. My wife and I will never agree on everything all of the time but we have the commitment to each other to continue to work on the issues that arise."
Lou thinks it is much harder to end a marriage than it is to end a long term relationship because there is only implied commitment. I don't really look at it that way. I feel that the commitment is in your heart and not on a piece of paper. So why would it be necessary to have a marriage certificate that says you are committed to that other person.
This made me think of a current problem in my life. I had a friendship that recently imploded. I felt that I tried to work through our problems but the other person found it easier to end the friendship than to work on fixing the problem. Was this due to a lack of "commitment" in our friendship. I realize that friendships are different than marriages but I have seen so many strong long lasting friendships and very few strong long lasting marriages. From my experience I feel that you have to work towards things that are hard and important to you.
So what do you do? How long to you try to work on your problems with the other person until you just give up. I feel that I have done everything I could do to salvage our friendship. I even did something extremely out of character and fairly confrontational. I dropped by her house without warning so we could talk. She appeared to be shocked by my appearance and also not interested in talking to me. I am not sure my surprise appearance helped anything. Is this the point in which I give up? It is very apparent that this person wants nothing to do with me. How hard do I fight for this friendship? Should I fight? IDK. I want to fight but I keep hitting a brick wall.
The other great insight that brother Lou had to offer was the similarity in our personalities (the friend and I). We are both stubborn people and he thinks that neither of us are willing to bend to the friendship needs and that is the reason we are not able to move forward. Plus he thinks neither of us are willing to see each others viewpoint or accept each other as we are. Wise words from my twice married brother.
What is the implied commitment in friendships. When I decided to be a close friend to someone I feel I am in that friendship for the long term. I have several people who I consider close friends and those friendships haven't been perfect. There have been bumps in the road and bad feelings on each side. In each case I knew I wanted to find a way to fix those friendships and it usually involved an apology and real forgiveness. But forgiveness was the true key. Without true forgiveness I don't think you can move forward in any relationship, friendship or marriage.
June 12, 2011
First Dates are hard....
I met a guy online a few weeks ago and we went out last Sunday afternoon. We had been talking for a few weeks via the dating website when we finally decided to meet. I had to do the hard step of asking him out so I planned the date. We met at a McAlisters Deli for lunch and then for a walk on the Monon. I gave him my phone number and he called me on Saturday night. And we talked...and talked and talked through the storm and the electricity turning on and off over ten times. At least my cell phone wasn't effected by the harsh weather conditions. I think we ended up talking on the phone for an hour and a half. I was surprised it was so long because he was a stranger.
I planned to meet him at 1pm on Sunday so I would get plenty of time for sleeping and it allowed for extra "getting ready" time. Funny girl moment. I originally had on a new top and my brown shorts because I didn't want to be hot for the walk. I left the house and as I started down the street I began to regret the shorts. I changed my mind and I drove around the block and right back into my garage and donned a pair of jeans. Sigh...seriously wardrobe is hard for me.
I arrived about 10 minutes early and I walked into the restaurant and looked around for him. I didn't see him but when I turned around to hang out by the front door he was there. He had arrived 30 minutes early and waited in his car till I arrived. We got in line and we were behind tons of people so immediately started a conversation. We were in line about ten minutes and close to the counter when I abruptly said "Focus...do you know what you want to eat.". He laughed and said yes and since I knew what I wanted there was no need to focus on the menu board. Things are much easier that way. He asked me if I would like him to pay. I looked at him and said since I asked him out wasn't it my responsibility to pay. He said no he would pay if it didn't offend me. Check 1 for being on time and check 2 for being a gentleman.
Lunch was good and we there was no awkward pauses. Just great conversation. Plus it was good conversation. Not the typical get to know you questions about silly stuff. We talked about stuff we both like books, music, religion, and life in general. We hung out in the restaurant for a while after we were done eating to make sure it wasn't going to rain. When the weather looked clear we drove (separately) over to the Monon and went for a 3 mile walk. The walk involved more of the same...great conversation.
The date ended after 3.5 hours of food, walking and conversation. I think the most awkward part of the first date was the ending. We were talking by our cars and I was done. I am often abrupt when I am ready to move on to my new task and I was tired of being "super Candace" and I was ready for a break. So I told him I had a good time and we should hang out again and I left.
I texted him on Monday to say Hi and in our conversation we set up a second date for Friday. He did the planning this time and we decided to meet for dinner after work and to go bowling. I told him that I sucked at that activity but I thought it would be fun.
Date #2 was a success! We met for dinner at The Rusty Bucket on the North side and things were good. Our conversation began quickly and never stopped. We arrived at the restaurant at 6:30 and we were there for a long time. We both went to the bathroom at 9:30 and when we met at back at the table we laughed because it was to late to go bowling. I assure you I wasn't broken up about it. But we sat down and continued talking...and talking and talking. The next time I looked at my phone it was 11:00pm. Holy Cow we were at the restaurant for 4.5 hours. Seriously! In the middle of a sentence he began to laugh and he told me that our server was behind me and she was pointing to our table and laughing and then she nudged another server and they were both laughing at us. I guess it was time to leave the restaurant.
This was a good beginning.
PS...interesting fact. I was telling my friend at work about this guy and she asked to see a photo...I brought up is online profile picture and showed it to her and she let out a giant gasp. She knew the guy. She worked with him at her last job. Small world.
I planned to meet him at 1pm on Sunday so I would get plenty of time for sleeping and it allowed for extra "getting ready" time. Funny girl moment. I originally had on a new top and my brown shorts because I didn't want to be hot for the walk. I left the house and as I started down the street I began to regret the shorts. I changed my mind and I drove around the block and right back into my garage and donned a pair of jeans. Sigh...seriously wardrobe is hard for me.
I arrived about 10 minutes early and I walked into the restaurant and looked around for him. I didn't see him but when I turned around to hang out by the front door he was there. He had arrived 30 minutes early and waited in his car till I arrived. We got in line and we were behind tons of people so immediately started a conversation. We were in line about ten minutes and close to the counter when I abruptly said "Focus...do you know what you want to eat.". He laughed and said yes and since I knew what I wanted there was no need to focus on the menu board. Things are much easier that way. He asked me if I would like him to pay. I looked at him and said since I asked him out wasn't it my responsibility to pay. He said no he would pay if it didn't offend me. Check 1 for being on time and check 2 for being a gentleman.
Lunch was good and we there was no awkward pauses. Just great conversation. Plus it was good conversation. Not the typical get to know you questions about silly stuff. We talked about stuff we both like books, music, religion, and life in general. We hung out in the restaurant for a while after we were done eating to make sure it wasn't going to rain. When the weather looked clear we drove (separately) over to the Monon and went for a 3 mile walk. The walk involved more of the same...great conversation.
The date ended after 3.5 hours of food, walking and conversation. I think the most awkward part of the first date was the ending. We were talking by our cars and I was done. I am often abrupt when I am ready to move on to my new task and I was tired of being "super Candace" and I was ready for a break. So I told him I had a good time and we should hang out again and I left.
I texted him on Monday to say Hi and in our conversation we set up a second date for Friday. He did the planning this time and we decided to meet for dinner after work and to go bowling. I told him that I sucked at that activity but I thought it would be fun.
Date #2 was a success! We met for dinner at The Rusty Bucket on the North side and things were good. Our conversation began quickly and never stopped. We arrived at the restaurant at 6:30 and we were there for a long time. We both went to the bathroom at 9:30 and when we met at back at the table we laughed because it was to late to go bowling. I assure you I wasn't broken up about it. But we sat down and continued talking...and talking and talking. The next time I looked at my phone it was 11:00pm. Holy Cow we were at the restaurant for 4.5 hours. Seriously! In the middle of a sentence he began to laugh and he told me that our server was behind me and she was pointing to our table and laughing and then she nudged another server and they were both laughing at us. I guess it was time to leave the restaurant.
This was a good beginning.
PS...interesting fact. I was telling my friend at work about this guy and she asked to see a photo...I brought up is online profile picture and showed it to her and she let out a giant gasp. She knew the guy. She worked with him at her last job. Small world.
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