I was talking to my brother about the commitment of Marriage this morning and how to him, it is the glue that keeps his relationship working. It was an interesting conversation and it made me think.
The conversation started with me telling him that I couldn't imagine ever getting married. He asked why? I just said it wasn't something that I could see for myself at any point in the near or distant future. He seemed surprised and I think that wasn't something he expected me to say. What started as a marriage conversation quickly turned to a conversation about the nature of relationships.
Part of his viewpoint on this topic revolved around conflict resolution. He feels it is easy to end relationships outside of marriage and that marriage is the glue that reminds people to work on their problems.
Quote from Lou, "The commitment of marriages helps force the meeting or at least the understanding of each others view points. My wife and I will never agree on everything all of the time but we have the commitment to each other to continue to work on the issues that arise."
Lou thinks it is much harder to end a marriage than it is to end a long term relationship because there is only implied commitment. I don't really look at it that way. I feel that the commitment is in your heart and not on a piece of paper. So why would it be necessary to have a marriage certificate that says you are committed to that other person.
This made me think of a current problem in my life. I had a friendship that recently imploded. I felt that I tried to work through our problems but the other person found it easier to end the friendship than to work on fixing the problem. Was this due to a lack of "commitment" in our friendship. I realize that friendships are different than marriages but I have seen so many strong long lasting friendships and very few strong long lasting marriages. From my experience I feel that you have to work towards things that are hard and important to you.
So what do you do? How long to you try to work on your problems with the other person until you just give up. I feel that I have done everything I could do to salvage our friendship. I even did something extremely out of character and fairly confrontational. I dropped by her house without warning so we could talk. She appeared to be shocked by my appearance and also not interested in talking to me. I am not sure my surprise appearance helped anything. Is this the point in which I give up? It is very apparent that this person wants nothing to do with me. How hard do I fight for this friendship? Should I fight? IDK. I want to fight but I keep hitting a brick wall.
The other great insight that brother Lou had to offer was the similarity in our personalities (the friend and I). We are both stubborn people and he thinks that neither of us are willing to bend to the friendship needs and that is the reason we are not able to move forward. Plus he thinks neither of us are willing to see each others viewpoint or accept each other as we are. Wise words from my twice married brother.
What is the implied commitment in friendships. When I decided to be a close friend to someone I feel I am in that friendship for the long term. I have several people who I consider close friends and those friendships haven't been perfect. There have been bumps in the road and bad feelings on each side. In each case I knew I wanted to find a way to fix those friendships and it usually involved an apology and real forgiveness. But forgiveness was the true key. Without true forgiveness I don't think you can move forward in any relationship, friendship or marriage.
4 comments:
I'm glad you're my friend, Candy..we've had our bumps...but sooooo many more really great times. I love you, my friend! Kathy
"I felt that I tried to work through our problems but the other person found it easier to end the friendship than to work on fixing the problem."
Interesting. Maybe that's not at all what happened. Maybe, instead of pretending that you were wronged, you might consider that you were an active participant in the implosion? Maybe consider that the other person felt that she did all that she could do, and nothing made a difference at all.
You know. Just a thought.
I don't feel that I didn't take my responsibility for the implosion. But I do feel that I took many steps to move past the problem and to resolve the conflict. Not by rehashing the details of the disagreement over and over again but by trying to moving past the disagreement.
I never felt the other person did all she could do to resolve the problem. I felt that one thing was said to her that hurt her feelings and she insisted on focusing on that as the catalyst for ending the friendship. I never felt that other person considered the many things that were said to me that hurt my feelings.
I tried to invite the friend to dinner to talk over the problem and she declined and then I showed up at her house to talk and she again declined. To me she just wanted to hide behind emails and not talk calmly in person. I need human interaction and I wasn't interested in continuing a fight through email.
I don't feel that there was much more to say about the specific disagreement. I felt that it was time to move on and for both parties to say sorry for hurting the other person's feelings. But for some reason we could never reach that point. That was my intention by going to her house.
That is what I was getting at by writing the blog. Forgiveness. I am sorry I hurt her feelings. I am sorry this fight has escalated to this level and I am sorry we are no longer friends.
ANY relationship takes work IF you want to work on it. I say "F" committment. Who are you committed to and why? Relationships should be uplifting. Your "other half" should be supportive and encouraging and make you feel good about yourself. They should treat you with respect and dignity. You should be a better person for being in the relationship. AND...you should be the same for the other person.
I know it's tough, lady, but sometimes you just gotta let it go. I believe that you are worth fighting for - you have always treated me well, and even when you have questioned my actions in the past, I have always known that it comes from a good place. You add something to my life. I value your sense of adventure, your free spirit, and your appreciation for your friendships. I know that I can get pre-occupied and take that for granted, but you are patient with me like a good friend should be.
None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. Do not feel ashamed for trying to make your friendships work. BUT...please make sure that you really WANT to make it work this time. Think of yourself and do what is really in your best interest. If this is a cancerous relationship, then do not let it eat you alive. Let it go, and let go anything else that gets in the way of your success.
I know in my heart that you mean well, and that's what is so sad. You mean well and you are trying. Trust me, I've been there, and some people just do not respond to it because they can be so caught up in their own version of reality. Well, the truth is that we are all working from our own versions. Sometimes they line up, sometimes they don't. Try if you can to just leave it at that. Keep moving forward and rocking it out like you always do. You have plenty of people who appreciate and adore you.
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