Kindle Rant

It seriously doesn't work anymore! Bastards! I am typing away in anger over the conversation I just had with the Amazon Kindle support team.

Me: My Kindle is not working properly. I have plugged it in and I have reset it but the screen will not work.

Kindle Customer Support: Did you reset if for 20 seconds?

Me: No...but I will try that.

30 seconds later...just to be through...

Me: It appears to boot up but nothing will appear on the screen except for random lines.

Kindle Customer Support: I am sorry but there is nothing else that I can do. It also appears that you are outside of your one year warranty period. What I can offer you is a refurbished Kindle for $99 or you can purchase the newest model on our website ($259).

Me: Seriously....What are my options for repair?

Kindle Customer Support: There are none. We don't repair the Kindle.

Me: Seriously???

Me: Thanks...but I will need to think about this.

End Call!

Bastards!

They cannot repair my 2 year old Kindle and I have to purchase a new or refurbished machine. I paid $399 for this toy and I no longer have access to the books that I have purchased without purchasing a new machine. Hello...I was in the middle of reading a book.

I realize that I purchased a first generation model of a brand new product but still...for $399 I should get better options. Ugg....I just don't know what I want to do. Up until this phone call Amazon was my favorite retailer...they have just been knocked down a few pegs.

Ruination of Candace as You Know Her

I was having a perfectly normal day. I met GH to see a fantastic play at the IRT. I enjoyed my time spent out and I was looking forward to doing some work on my laptop when I arrived home. I got home at 10:20 and after a few chores were done I settled down on my bed with my laptop for some Internet trolling.

All of a sudden the TV magically turned itself on to the Colts game. I am not sure how this happened or why. But, it was in time for me to see the game winning touchdown (should that be capitalized?) My hands were clapping and I was yelling accolades at the TV. I looked around in horror to make sure no one was there to witness to my uncharacteristic behavior. Embarrassment averted...Sparks promised to never tell and Joanne was still at work.

I tried to ignore the TV and read Z's and Ems current blog entries, but I kept looking up to see the action on the screen. Wow...there was an interception and the win was clinched! More yelling and clapping. How the F did this happen to me. I have always hated sports! I avoid them at every turn. My ears close when people speak about it and I respond with my non-listening noise.

I blame Z and Ems for this strange behavior. Ems had recently made it her mission to try and convert me. A couple of months ago she invited me to the Ale for an afternoon of good food and a thousand TV screens directed at different games. Due to my short attention span, I had a very difficult time paying attention in that environment and focusing on a game. Since then I have been bombarded with sports talk and comments on facebook.

Let me tell you that this indoctrination has gone quicker than expected. Lou has been trying to make me appreciate car performance for the last 25 years and he has finally been able to have semi-intelligent conversations regarding this topic. I even commented to him of the tight handling and quick response of his BMW when I drove it last week.

So expect me to deny any football appreciation in the future but know that I am secretly watching it at home on cold Sunday afternoons. Shhhh...Please keep quite about this as it is a secret!

****Beware...if I suddenly get a dog you will know I have been replaced by an alien or android.

Sparks is a Super Cat

Sparks astounded me with his superior behavior this week. I got home from the gym late on Tuesday night and then I took a phone call for an hour. At 9:20 I was happy to finally have time to make my dinner. I prepared some bacon and I was going to eat a BLT sandwich. When the bacon was ready, I removed it from the oven and I sliced up the tomatoes. I began to assemble my sandwich with the mayo and then bacon. Then I got another phone call. I thought it would be reasonable short, so I left the sandwich sitting out partially assembled on the counter. I went to my bedroom and shut the door while I was talking, and I accidentally locked Sparks out.

I emerged from my room 1.5 hours later happily surprised to find my partially assembled sandwich still intact on the counter. Sparks never touched it. I was astounded as poor departed Mickey would have been all over that sandwich. He would have only left me crumbs and his vomit from overeating.

Thanks to Lou for teaching Sparks some manners before I adopted him.

#1 Cat – Where are You?

Mickey is gone! Where could he be. He was at home when I left for work on Thursday morning, but he was not in the house when I arrived home Thursday night. There are only a few options that can explain his disappearance:

1. He is still in the house somewhere (Very Unlikely)
2. He got out when I left for work (a possibility…but improbable)
3. He got out when Joanne came home from work (very probable)
4. He hopped over to one of the other infinite parallel universes (probably not)
5. Aliens captured him and are using him to repopulate cats on a far away world (ding…ding)

All kidding aside…I miss Mickey. I miss him sleeping under the covers. I miss him patting my cheek with his paw to get me to move. I miss him sitting on my chest at the end of a long day. I miss carrying him around the house like he is the King. I miss him spilling my drinks. I miss him greeting me when I come home. I miss his mischievous. I miss his cursing.

I have enjoyed his company for 16 great years. He has been with me through many important aspects of my life. I stole him when from a friend when I was 20 years old and as soon as I saw him, I loved him. I have never felt that affinity toward any other animal. I have loved other cats, but it has never been the same.

He has been gone since last Thursday and I just don’t believe that he will come home. I think if he has been outside for this long he would have frozen to death. I just don’t have any more hope left in me. Joanne has hope…I don’t. As a eulogy, I thought I would take this opportunity to share some of my favorite Mickey stories with you.

Acquisition

I acquired Mickey in the fall of 1993. I was friends with this girl and it was her cat. I would hang out at her place on the nights that I didn’t work and he would always sit on my thigh and purr. He was such a tiny and cute little thing. Sometime that fall, my friends husband kicked her out for being a whore (I am not exaggerating) and I let her come and stay with me. She was untrustworthy so I had to kick her out about a month later. I placed all of her things outside my apartment door except for her Cats. She had brought four of them with her and I kept all of them. I eventually gave all of them, except for Mickey, to a friend to live outside on her farm. From then on Mickey was my cat and she never asked for him back.

Rabbits

A good portion of Mickey’s life he was an indoor and outdoor cat and on occasion he would bring me his kills. One day when I came home I found three little baby rabbits on the front porch. My heart was broken as they were still wiggling around and not quite dead. You could see the teeth marks Mickey left in them. I understand that Cats are prey animals but the little bunnies were so cute. I was unwilling to finish killing the bunnies myself, so I decided to call the Humane Society and get their advise. I still cannot believe what they told me to do…it is astounding. They said that I should put them behind the tire of my car and run them over. Really! Their second idea was to drown them in a bucket of water. There was ZERO chance that I would be willing to do either of those things so I enlisted some help from my neighbor. She scooped them up in some cardboard and placed them in the yard behind our shed. They disappeared by the time I was awake that afternoon. I am fairly sure some other animal ate them, but at least I didn’t have to do the killing. Such is the circle of life!

Ear

You may have noticed that one of Mickey’s ears had a bit of character to it. It was bent and folded over. Unfortunately, this problem was caused by me. I had noticed that Mickey had black stuff in his ears for a long time, but I just thought it was dirt. I really didn’t know much about pet ownership when I first got him so I was unaware of common cat ailments. About a year after I stole Mickey, I took him to the vet to get neutered and de-clawed. When he came back from the Vet his ear was disfigured. The Vet told me that he had to fold his ear due to the large infection in the top portion that was caused by Ear Mites. Ear What? I had never heard of Ear Mites before that day.

9 Lives

When I lived in Port Clinton, OH I worked the night shift and Mickey would commonly stay outside while I was at work. When I would arrive at home in the morning he would be waiting for me on the front porch and he would come in and sleep with me during the day. One day I came home and he was not in his usual place. I looked all over for him and I called his name. I finally heard a faint Meow but I couldn’t tell the location. At first I thought he was trapped underneath the trailer and I began to remove parts of the skirting. That didn’t work out so I kept my ears wide open and I tried to follow his pitiful Meow’s. Meow…Meow…Meow… I walked around to the other side of the common building next to our trailer and I found him locked in an animal cage. I was extremely distraught at finding him there. I quickly disengaged the lock and ran away with him. I knew that if I hadn’t just found him I would never have seen him again.

Window Diving

When I lived in Toledo I had an apartment on the second floor of the building. I would often leave my living room window open and after occupying the apartment for a year, I think Mickey managed to push the screen out. I came home from work one day to find him hiding under a car. He had jumped from the second floor to the ground. He was fine but I was still worried. The maintenance man was fairly lazy and I had to wait about a month to get him to replace the window screen. In that time Mickey managed to jump out that window a couple more times. Can you imagine jumping out a window from the second floor for fun? One time I came home and my weird Goth neighbors had captured him and had him in their bathroom.

Running Out

When I lived in Toledo he would often run out my apartment door as I was walking in. I would have to chase him throughout the enclosed building to get him home. One time in the middle of the winter he ran out and went to the bottom floor where he promptly ran into a strangers apartment. I was so embarrassed and I asked the guy if I go and find him. I was wearing a long dress and snow boots and they were dirty as we had some snow on the ground. This guys apartment was immaculate and I was so embarrassed walking around in my snow boots. Mickey ran into the guys bedroom and his under his bed. I had to crawl on the floor and get under the bed to get him out. It was a very interesting event.

I guess I could go on and on with Mickey stories but I will stop. If you have any good Mickey memories please post them in the comments.

I Love and Miss you Mickey, I wish you would come home!

The Biggest Loser

I have some exciting news. Ya I do! I just finished preparing my application to become the next contestant on The Biggest Loser. All that is left is to mail it out on Wednesday. Thanks to Ems who put this idea into my head. We were talking about this a couple of months ago and I guess it has stuck in my brain since then.

I became more serous about this idea about a month ago. I did some research and I found out the necessary items that I needed to apply. They include a 9 page application, photos of myself and a 10 minute video. That didn't seem so bad but I didn't have a video camera and I wasn't sure how I was going to accomplish that part of the task. About three and a half weeks ago I sent a text to Lou asking if he he had one. He responded that Traci had one. I then asked if I could borrow it. There was no response to this text so I let it go for about a week and a half.

The idea came back into my head and I sent a second requested to Lou to borrow the video camera. Upon further discussion with him, I discovered that this was an old school (not digital) video recorder. I knew that wasn't what I was in the market for. I finally caught Lou live, and on the phone about this topic and he suggested that I use my camera on the video setting. He is a Genius. Why didn't I think of that. I then told him I wanted to make a video of myself but I didn't want anyone to be there to film me. He thought for a minute and he said that he had a tripod and I could mount my camera. Viola! What a great and wonderful idea.

We spoke for a few more minutes when he finally asked me why I needed a video camera. He joked that I was going to make an "adult" movie of myself. GROSS!!!! I cannot imagine that I would ever want to take a staring role in an adult movie. Anyway, I finally explained to him my idea about The Biggest Loser. I was pretty impressed that we had so many texts, emails and phone conversations about this topic without him asking me why. If someone had asked to borrow my video camera, that would be my first question. I felt like our conversation implied secrecy but apparently he didn't come away with that feeling and he blabbed it to his family. I think I will be more direct the next time that I require secrecy.

I knew my biggest obstacle to this project was going to be the video. I knew once that was completed everything else would fall easily into line. Sunday night was the perfect time. Joanne was away from home for three days and I had complete freedom to create a movie in my living room. About an hour after she left I created my movie studio. I set up the tripod in front of the red love seat. I took a couple test shots and I decided that I needed more light. So I dragged two lamps into the living and I leaned them against the table to point the light toward my face.

I then got dressed into one of my work outfits, the grey agile sweater and black pants. I also decided I needed some make-up to make my face and eyes pop. I went into the bathroom and started applying the eye make-up. Then Wham....I got a gob of eyeliner stuck in my eye and I couldn't get it out. When I recovered from that debacle I had smeared all of the make-up on my right eye. I did some damage repair but it never looked as good as it should have.

My hair was ready, my face was ready and my clothes were ready. Now I needed to make my mind ready. I had been thinking about what I would say on the video since I decided to do it, but I never wrote out a script. I felt that if I had written out a script, I would sound forced and unnatural. I knew the topics I wanted to cover and I just made up my mind to do it. I walked out into the living room, started the recording mode and began to speak.

I appeared to be extremely nervous for the first two minutes but I think I warmed up and became more comfortable. I felt that I spoke from my heart and I was clear and concise. But...do I really make so many facial expressions. Seriously! When I watched the video my face was so expressive. I moved my eyes around allot and I would stare off into the sky as I was thinking and gathering my thoughts. OMG...it was so embarrassing to watch my video. BTW...IT WILL NOT BE POSTED ANYWHERE ONLINE! I have reached my threshold of sharing ;)

The video was done. I watched it a couple of times and I was satisfied with the results. It wasn't perfect but I felt that it conveyed me and hopefully it will make them like me. The funny thing is after watching the video the overwhelming impression of me is that I am sweet. How odd...I don't usually consider myself sweet. But that is how it turned out. I ended the video with a famous line from Grey's Anatomy. Bonus points to the person who can figure out what line I used.

So it was done. The application was fairly straightforward and easy. The nine pages are complete and everything is in the envelope ready to be mailed tomorrow.

WoW! I am still a little shocked that I actually followed through and finished the application.

Think good thoughts for me!

PS...I promised Ems that if I did get on the show I wouldn't Cry! I will try really hard to fulfill that vow.