Last Friday night I went to see my three adorable nieces in a production of Anne. They were super cute and I loved seeing them on the stage. However, another incident overshadowed the evening.
I arrived at the theater early so I could get us front row seats. As I walked in I turned to my right and I saw this guy that I briefly dated last year. I quickly turned around and fled the room. Eekk! I was a bit startled as this kind of thing doesn’t usually happen to me and I wasn’t sure of the correct protocol. I thought for a minute and I re-entered the room with my head pointed directly ahead and I quickly found a seat.
As I sat there I remembered that he worked for the school system and he video tapes these shows on the side. So he was there in an “official” capacity.
As I sat in my seat alone I was unsure what I should do with myself. I tried to read but I was too distracted the entire time. Finally, 20 minutes later my brother arrived and I had something to focus on. The play started and I focused on the show. Ok, sort of focused on the show as I was trying really really hard to remember the guys name. I had a nickname for him and that popped quickly into my head but not his actual name. About midway through the first act it finally came to me and I was able to stay focused on the show.
An hour later it was intermission and I decided that the best course of action was to sit in my seat quietly and pretend to be invisible. I seriously had to pee but there was not a chance of me walking through the auditorium. Everyone in my party exited the room and I was left alone with my full bladder worrying that he was going to come up and talk to me. Thankfully I was left to my own devises during intermission and the play started back up again without incident.
As the play concluded my natural inclination was to bolt out of the auditorium and run to my car but I couldn’t do that as I needed to see the three children and give them accolades and hugs. This took FOREVER. I mean FOREVER and the entire time my nervousness’s kept increasing. I walked out of the auditorium hugging one of the children and giving her my entire 100% attention and looking at her. This was much better than looking around and accidentally creating eye contact. I took this child to the bathroom with me and basically everywhere I walked around.
Lou and I finally ended up sitting in the auditorium front row again while we were waiting for the children to change their clothes. Guess what? He takes this time to come up to me and chat. I really thought I was safe. Damn, I wasn’t.
Everything was fine. Nothing too interesting happens in our conversation and this exchange only takes us about five minutes. I don’t know why I was so nervous to talk to this person. I wasn’t interested in him. I guess it was my way of avoiding an uncomfortable situation. After he left I looked over to my brother and he told me that I sounded very nervous. Duh! On the plus side my brother said the guy also sounded nervous. Score!
Will I ever learn to be more straightforward?
July 28, 2010
July 9, 2010
Having the Fat Girl Mentality
I have a problem and it is all caused by what I call the Fat Girl Mentality. This is the Candy who thinks she cannot do stuff. She is not able to run, play sports, bike at an adequate pace or any other thing a normal "thin" person can do. I am able to shove this version of myself away most of the time but it has come out in the last several weeks. I don't like her but she cannot be ignored.
All of these bad and self defeating thoughts are wrecking my self confidence. I can feel myself going inward and and allowing other peoples thoughts and opinions color my vision of myself. I don't like it. I don't want to act like a person who cannot do things. I don't want to BE a person who cannot do things.
I thought by accomplishing one of my summer goals of biking 50 miles it would help build my self confidence. No so robot. It has had no effect. I don't think "doing" any one thing will help me not feel and behave like the inner fat girl. I think I need an attitude adjustment. I keep trying but I cannot seem to come out of it. Why why why????
I am not looking for sympathy, I just want to figure out how to be happy in my own skin as it has not been a pleasant place as of late.
All of these bad and self defeating thoughts are wrecking my self confidence. I can feel myself going inward and and allowing other peoples thoughts and opinions color my vision of myself. I don't like it. I don't want to act like a person who cannot do things. I don't want to BE a person who cannot do things.
I thought by accomplishing one of my summer goals of biking 50 miles it would help build my self confidence. No so robot. It has had no effect. I don't think "doing" any one thing will help me not feel and behave like the inner fat girl. I think I need an attitude adjustment. I keep trying but I cannot seem to come out of it. Why why why????
I am not looking for sympathy, I just want to figure out how to be happy in my own skin as it has not been a pleasant place as of late.
July 6, 2010
Forrest Gump
Do you remember that scene in Forrest Gump where Forest decides that he just needs to run and run and run. He runs all the way across the North America a couple of times. Tonight I felt like I was channeling that Forrest when I was biking.
I met a few friends for a casual ride at 4pm. We rode a 19 mile route mostly on roads to the Velodrome and back. It was a good ride and it included some challenging hills but when we had completed our route I didn't feel like I had satisfied my biking need for the day. My friends and I stopped at Subway for dinner and when we were done eating I asked them if they were interested in riding some additional miles. I encountered blank stares and NO's. No problem I thought to myself, music could keep me company. As our little group broke up I went back to my car to get my iPod and earphones so I could put in some additional miles before I went home.
When I left my friends I had no plan and no agenda. I just headed out North on the Monon. As I was riding I thought I would ride out five miles and then turn around and come back to my car. I put on my favorite biking music (Def Leppard's Hysteria) and peddled away. Before I even blinked I was five miles away and I decided that I would continue to ride North to 146th St. When I hit 146th Street I felt like I should finish out the trail and go to the end. I did. I cannot remember what street it ends on....maybe 165???
I took a couple drinks of my water and I turned around and headed south to Broad Ripple. As I was riding I looked at my odometer and I realized that I would finish my ride at 40 miles and I gave myself a smug little smile at my accomplishment. When I began to get close to where I left my car I felt like I wanted to continue to ride and I knew I had 10 more left in my legs.
The time when I made this decision was 9:05pm. Hmmm...I am not sure the rational portion of my brain was working. I continued South on the Monon and I thought I would ride five miles and turn around. I rode three miles out and I remembered that I didn't want to be stuck in that neighborhood after dark. Yes, it was pretty dark by this time. I promptly turned around and headed back north and again I rode past my car. I just didn't want to stop.
I went back North and I began to feel that perhaps riding after dark on the Monon was a VERY BAD IDEA. Yet, I continued to ride. The rational and irrational parts of my brain were at odds with each other. I was thankful that I had a headlight and taillight installed on my bike but it still didn't stop me from having thoughts that every person I saw was a serial killer. The serial killer thoughts were very intense because I was away from the crowd and in the woods. That is always when the girl is killed. Luckily I hadn't had sex in the last couple of hours so I thought I was safe. After-all, bad things only happen to the slut girls in the woods.
I finished out my ride at 50 miles. Woo Hoo!!!! It was a personal best. The most I have gone in any day was 42 miles. But does it count as a 50 mile ride due to the hour stop for dinner? I don't know if that goal has been accomplished. The answer is yes, I am hard on myself;)
Interesting Stats:
50.22 Miles
11.9 Average Speed
2 hours 51 minutes - Time in my Cardio Zone
2581 Calories Burned
4 hours 33 minutes spent riding
662 Miles for the season (my goal is 1000 miles)
I felt good after my long ride. Minimal fatigue and my legs were still pretty happy with me. I think I am much better as an endurance athlete than as a speed athlete. Am I allowed to call myself an athlete?
Forrest Gump: That's all I have to say about that.
I met a few friends for a casual ride at 4pm. We rode a 19 mile route mostly on roads to the Velodrome and back. It was a good ride and it included some challenging hills but when we had completed our route I didn't feel like I had satisfied my biking need for the day. My friends and I stopped at Subway for dinner and when we were done eating I asked them if they were interested in riding some additional miles. I encountered blank stares and NO's. No problem I thought to myself, music could keep me company. As our little group broke up I went back to my car to get my iPod and earphones so I could put in some additional miles before I went home.
When I left my friends I had no plan and no agenda. I just headed out North on the Monon. As I was riding I thought I would ride out five miles and then turn around and come back to my car. I put on my favorite biking music (Def Leppard's Hysteria) and peddled away. Before I even blinked I was five miles away and I decided that I would continue to ride North to 146th St. When I hit 146th Street I felt like I should finish out the trail and go to the end. I did. I cannot remember what street it ends on....maybe 165???
I took a couple drinks of my water and I turned around and headed south to Broad Ripple. As I was riding I looked at my odometer and I realized that I would finish my ride at 40 miles and I gave myself a smug little smile at my accomplishment. When I began to get close to where I left my car I felt like I wanted to continue to ride and I knew I had 10 more left in my legs.
The time when I made this decision was 9:05pm. Hmmm...I am not sure the rational portion of my brain was working. I continued South on the Monon and I thought I would ride five miles and turn around. I rode three miles out and I remembered that I didn't want to be stuck in that neighborhood after dark. Yes, it was pretty dark by this time. I promptly turned around and headed back north and again I rode past my car. I just didn't want to stop.
I went back North and I began to feel that perhaps riding after dark on the Monon was a VERY BAD IDEA. Yet, I continued to ride. The rational and irrational parts of my brain were at odds with each other. I was thankful that I had a headlight and taillight installed on my bike but it still didn't stop me from having thoughts that every person I saw was a serial killer. The serial killer thoughts were very intense because I was away from the crowd and in the woods. That is always when the girl is killed. Luckily I hadn't had sex in the last couple of hours so I thought I was safe. After-all, bad things only happen to the slut girls in the woods.
I finished out my ride at 50 miles. Woo Hoo!!!! It was a personal best. The most I have gone in any day was 42 miles. But does it count as a 50 mile ride due to the hour stop for dinner? I don't know if that goal has been accomplished. The answer is yes, I am hard on myself;)
Interesting Stats:
50.22 Miles
11.9 Average Speed
2 hours 51 minutes - Time in my Cardio Zone
2581 Calories Burned
4 hours 33 minutes spent riding
662 Miles for the season (my goal is 1000 miles)
I felt good after my long ride. Minimal fatigue and my legs were still pretty happy with me. I think I am much better as an endurance athlete than as a speed athlete. Am I allowed to call myself an athlete?
Forrest Gump: That's all I have to say about that.
July 1, 2010
Get Out of My Head
Get out of my head bad thoughts. I mean it. I am tired of you being there and taking over my emotions.
No More:
anger
unreasonableness
sadness
fatigue
self defeating
ugliness
Way way more:
happiness
positiveness
smiles
good things
contentedness
I need to get out of my head and just exist. It is starting right now! Ok...not now but maybe tomorrow.
No More:
anger
unreasonableness
sadness
fatigue
self defeating
ugliness
Way way more:
happiness
positiveness
smiles
good things
contentedness
I need to get out of my head and just exist. It is starting right now! Ok...not now but maybe tomorrow.
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