Why am I acting like such a dork?

So…do you remember this story I wrote in July? NO? It was where I went to see a production of Anne that highlighted my three nieces. I saw a guy I briefly dated the prior year and I got scared and tried to hide. I wasn’t successful and I ended up talking to him at the very end of the evening.

Guess What? I have to go back there. Damn!!! My niece and nephew are in a ballet production at the same location this weekend. I have to go. Right? I know he will be there. He has a side job recording shows at this theatre.

I know he will be there so I REALLY don’t want to go. Seriously! I have thought of about 1000 excuses as to why I cannot attend either performances and they are all lame. It would hurt the children’s feelings if I didn’t show up. I don’t want to do that but……

The thing is I cannot figure out why? Why do I have such an aversion to seeing this person. I don’t care about him but it still freaks me out.

So I know this is crazy and I should go to the show. But I can think of 10 other horrible things I would rather do than see this guy again.

1. Pick the dead lice out of the children’s hair.
2. Run for an hour.
3. Use the same towel for two weeks
4. Eat only mushrooms for a month.
5. Have my music erased from my iPod and replaced with contemporary Country artists.
6. Have five additional roommates just like the current one.
7. Wear the same clothes for a week.
8. Switch to Diet Pepsi.
9. Only read murder mystery books in 2011.
10. Watch General Hospital every day.


See…this aversion is very strong.

Fine…I will go but I hope little P and S understand the sacrifice I am making for them.

Thanksgiving in Evansville

 This was my weekend! 

Perfect Food - I should mention that I made this beautiful Apple pie and it was delicious.

There was food.  Tons and tons of food.  I ate all the time.  I went to Evansville with Ems and Z to visit Ems parents for Thanksgiving weekend.  Her mom fed us all of the time.  She was always in the kitchen cooking and making breakfast or lunch or dinner or a snack.  Then she would be doing the dishes from some scrumptious meal.  I was happy.

I have never spent Thanksgiving with anyone other than immediate family.  This felt the same.  Except....better.  Everyone got along and co-existed well.  It was like we were always on the same page.  We knew when it was time to talk, when it was time to be quiet, when it was time to walk the dog and when it was time to play a game.  My family holidays were never this serene.  There was always some tension in the room or some bad feeling.  I don't remember ever having such a relaxed and stress free holiday weekend (sorry Lou).

We played Rock Band sometimes and Mexican Train Domino's sometimes and watched Football sometimes.  The weekend was all about relaxation and doing as we wished.  We went to see the newest Harry Potter movie and also went to see the special holiday light display.  There was talk about visiting the circus but what idea was quickly and quietly veto'ed.

I had a suitcase.  A L-A-R-G-E suitcase.  I like to have lots of options when I travel.  I realized something important about myself on this trip.  I don't like to decide what I am going to wear in advance.  What if I don't feel like wearing that t-shirt on Saturday.  What if I am cold or hot or want to dress up.  So I pack options.  Plus I don't like to wear clothes more than once.  If I wore a pair of pants all day Friday I don't want to wear them again on Saturday.  They are dirty!  So I had a large suitcase and it was filled.  Um....it was the size of both of my companions suitcases put together.  So I have a quirk.  Ok...this is one of many quirks but still...love me for my quirk.

Ems father has a big wooden block in his back yard for hatchet throwing, BB Gun and Crossbow shooting.  I was immediately intrigued.  The first time I visited I mentioned about four times how much I would like to throw the hatchets but no one ever really got the hint.  I made sure they understood my desire to play with these toys on this trip.  Ems dad thought I should start with the BB gun.  Whoop!!!!

 Look at me holding the gun all serous.  I was trying to aim at this tiny little target about fifteen feet away.

 He taught me how to put the safety on the gun as well as load it with a round of six pellets.  It took about two times but I understood the concept.  I aimed and fired.  And fired and fired.  Bam...I felt a pellet hit me in the stomach...then in the leg...then I heard them fall behind me into the leaves.

 I figured out that the pellets were ricocheting off the wood and back towards my body.  I decided if they were hitting me then I was hitting the target fairly square.  Do you notice the addition of safety glasses to my outfit.  Apparently someone was worried that I would "shoot my eye out".  W.  I kept shooting the rounds and I kept getting better and better.  I noticed that most of the dents in the wood were directly above the target so I made one final correction and I was on track.  I hit the paper target with with every pellet from my final round of ammo.  AWESOME!  I should mention that this was the first time that I have every shot any sort of gun or even held one.  Woot!

The second to last round of ammo got stuck in the chamber so Ems dad had to come back and get it unstuck for me.  Oops.  I think it was just a bad round and not a user error;)

When I was done with the six rounds of ammo he brought out the best toy ever.  The crossbow.  I have never held anything like it before.  It was awesome.  The rear sight was broke off the bow but I still had great aim.  I guess I have natural long distance eyesight because I got most of my arrows in the target and not just in the wood.  I really enjoyed this activity.  It felt good to learn something new.  I should mention that Ems dad wouldn't let me load the crossbow.  Apparently, he was afraid that I would somehow shoot a bow in my hand and require a trip to the hospital.  I was just happy that he was patient and stood there while I played with his toy.

Look at that!  This was on my third round of arrows.  It is so close to the blue triangle.  So close.  Perhaps next time I will make it in the center.

After being around my two good friends four days in a row if felt lonely when I came home.  My house was so empty and there was no one to talk to.  That feeling cements the fact that it was a super awesome weekend with super awesome people.  I love having friends that understand me and I understand them and we can all get along so well.  I couldn't think of a better way to spend four days.  Ok...one little thing was missing.  But she will come out again in the spring.

New Gym

A month ago I was able to get a free 30 day trial membership to a gym near my work.  I have a couple friends who utilize their facility as well as several co-workers.  My free membership was expiring this week so I decided to officially join tonight after my workout. 

Let me start by saying that I really HATE salespeople.  I often find them smarmy and not genuine.  I remember going to buy a car one time and telling my brother in advance that I wasn't going to talk to the salesperson.  It was his job to ask all of the questions and talk because I knew the salesperson would annoy me.  He did.

This particular gym has an entire staff of sales people in charge of getting new members and they are everything I dislike about salespeople.  I took a deep breath before I began this transaction but it didn't take long before it went downhill.


As we were walking to his office he looked at me and asked me when was the last time I worked out.  I gave him a blank stare and said that I didn't understand the question.  I didn't understand the question because I was wearing my bike shorts and athletic shirt and I just finished a 60 minute spinning class and 30 minutes of running and walking intervals.  I LOOKED like I just finished working out.  My hair was all wet from sweat and very messy.  My cheeks were pink from exertion and I was carrying a bag of my street clothes.  So...stupid or just unobservant?


I glossed over that question and we moved forward.  At one point he displayed the website that shows their extra fee services.  There was a listing of three classes.

1.  Team Boot Camp
2.  Team Fitness
3.  Team Weight Loss

He looked at the list and then he looked at me.  He then said that there are three options.  The first one was Boot Camp but that would probably be to hard for me.  The next is a group fitness class but he would suggest the Weight Loss class.

Um...WHAT!!!!  You know I am an easy going girl and I often let many things roll off my shoulders but this pissed me off. I know that I am overweight but I am not really used to such blatant rudeness from people in the industry to help fat people.  I sat there in shock for a minute and I told him I wasn't sure if I was interested in any of the classes and we moved on.

But the longer I thought of this incident the angrier I got.  WTF was wrong with him.  Was he just an idiot.  Is this how he talks to all of the overweight people. How can he look at me and decide that the Boot Camp class would be too hard?  He doesn't know my capabilities or my workout regime.  I am not interested in the Boot Camp class but I don't want him to tell me that I COULDN'T DO IT!  Fucker!!!!

I like the gym for their great group cycling classes and I finished my membership process but the gym is now tainted for me.

Parental Memories are Alive

This past weekend I went to Bloomington to see a John Mellencamp concert with a friend (KG) and her parents. Woo Hoo the concert was super super AWESOME!! Bloomington is about two hours from my house so KG parents invited us (me) to stay the night at their wonderful house in the country. This isn’t really part of my story but I would like to add that the view from the guest room was spectacular. Three of the walls were windows and none of them had curtains or shades. So the sun was very bright about 9am and it glistened off of the trees and the leaves on the ground. Later in the morning there was also several deer spotted in the yard.

Spending so much time with KG parents made me think of my deceased parents and feel a bit sad that they are both gone. I don't often think of my parents or the fun times spent with them but that has been on the forefront of my mind since I have come home. Because my parents have been gone for so long I am used to life without them and I often forget the “normal” things that parents do for the adult children they love.

Dad and his little brother Jim when they were young men.

There were several small things that happened that made me wish they were still here. One of them happened on Sunday morning. I was sitting on the couch watching a pre-football TV show and discussing football with KG dad. Honestly, I have just a tiny bit of football knowledge in my head and it was a short discussion. But it made me remember how much my dad LOVED football and how he would have relished sitting on the couch talking about that with me. He would have enjoyed seeing me take an interest in something that he liked as well as explaining the mundane details to me.

Doesn't he look fierce!

Another simple example was on Saturday night before the concert. We all went out to eat and the dad insisted on paying for my meal. I tried to pay but he wouldn’t have it. That is such a parent thing to do and it was nice to have someone pay for my meal as that rarely happens (I said rarely Lou…I am very thankful you took me out to the Melting Pot for my birthday).

Typical Mom with the permed hair and striped polo.  Yikes...do I dress like her?

I think some of these feeling started about a month ago when I stayed with Ems parents for the Great Pumpkin Metric weekend. One of the evenings we were there all of us sat around the kitchen table and played Mexican Train Domino's. I never played Domino's with my parents but some of the best memories of my parents included my mom, dad and I playing cards for hours. Apparently, my social life was much slower then and we spent many many evenings eating wings and playing Spades. Those are the memories that make me happy.

I liked seeing how each set of parents try to still take care of their respective daughters in small ways. They are grown women and treated as such but you can see how the parents love their daughters and want the best for them. These “normal” family times gave me many warm and fuzzies.

I spent about an hour going through many old photo albums and I couldn’t find one single picture of my mom, dad and I playing cards. I am sad that activity was never immortalized. However, I have included one of my favorite pictures of my dad, brother and I when I was a "sweet" little girl.

Look look....I am wearing a dress.

 ***I worked on this post on three separate occasions and each time there may have been liquid leaking out of my eyes.

I got Inked

 Earlier this summer I decided I wanted to get a tattoo.  A friend talked about wanting to get an additional tattoo and I immediately thought that I wanted one also.  I guess that means that I am a follower;)   I have one existing tattoo of a flower that I got about 12 years ago and I have always had a desire for an additional tattoo but I never felt passionate enough about anything to put it permanently on my body.  I found and embraced that passion this year.  

When I first thought about a tattoo I thought about getting something associated with Star Trek. The best thing I found was the insignia symbol on my boob.  Sexy huh.

Ohh...but I do kind of like this wrist thing.  Hmmmm....maybe my next one.

I began to think about my passion and how I would like to incorporate that into body art.  I started looking for bike tattoos that were feminine and that were not too utilitarian in style.  It took some time but I finally found some designs that I really liked.  After I chose the initial bike design I wanted to put something pretty around the bike. I found another tattoo that had some pretty leaf work and I considered merging the two designs into one tattoo.

The tattoo artist didn't especially like the "pretty" stuff I brought.  He decided he was going to stencil on the image of the bike and he then took creative licence with the vines and flowers.  This is the photo of him drawing the design on my leg.

I 

Eeek...the needle has pierced my skin.

I think it was a good thing that I wasn't close enough to really see what he was doing.

Look at those delightful swirls.  It is coming along.

Look Look Look I got a new tattoo this week.   Isn't it pretty (I say this with a goofy smile on my face).

Thanks to Ems for taking all of these photos as well as Metamorphosis in Broad Ripple for having a great staff.

How to tempt a fat girl….

I was sitting at my desk today with my stomach full of mini-burgers, onion straws, French fries and chocolate volcano cake feeling very (over) full and not at all thinking of food when my co-worker walked by with a bag full of candy. Friday is my companies annual Halloween celebration and on that day each department selects a theme and dresses up. In the morning everyone goes around to trick-or-treat at the other various departments and views their costumes and decorations. This year the company decided to provide the candy for each department several days in advance. Jerks!

Damn it, all that candy is going to sit in our communal supply cabinet all week. Each bag of candy is sealed and all afternoon I have tried to think of the best way to break into the bags and grab a few boxes of Dots. I don’t know why I am obsessed with the Dots when there is Peanut Butter Cups and all kinds of chocolate in the bags. But, I really really want the Dots.

I wonder if I could bring in a razor blade and slice open the end of the bag and then bring a lighter to seal it back up. This wouldn’t end badly…right?

Quitting is easy….continuing through the WIND is hard

Another Biking Event

Is it possible you are tired of reading about my biking antics?  Are you worn out from the gazillion miles I have ridden and how every ride is harder than the last.  Yep…this is going to be more of the same.

Last weekend I attended the Great Pumpkin Metric in Evansville.  My companions and I drove to Evansville on Saturday morning (this might be considered afternoon to most people but you know how I like to sleep in on the weekends) past many cornfields and I got to see a gigantic peach out in the middle of nowhere.  We spent a pleasant evening with Em’s parents and went to bed early.

Sunday morning dawned quite early…um 6:30…yuck and I was showered, dressed and at the breakfast table by 7am.  Em’s mom made us a delightful Egg sandwich and on my second bite I managed to squeeze out yellow egg into my hair.  I knew that was going to be an indicator of my upcoming day.

When we initially decided to attend the event we were all excited to do the 100K, but we did have a choice to do either 25K, 50K or 100K.  Em kept talking about changing our minds and taking a shorter route but Z was determined to stay on course.  I think I could have been swayed to go the shorter route if that was the group opinion but Z never waffled/wavered so we stuck with the original plan of 100K.  BTW..100K is 62 miles.  That is right, 62miles on my bike.  Every time I even think about that distance it sounds slightly impossible.

The day was cold and windy and cold and windy.  I knew soon after we started that it was going to be a long and tough ride.  The temperature was 40 degrees when we departed and I heard that it warmed up but I never felt an increase in temperature.  There was some nice hills in the beginning and it helped my legs to get warmed up.  I arrived at the first SAG stop shortly after Em and Z and I was glad to see them again as I was worried they may have missed a turn.  The first stop was about 12 miles into the course and while I was snacking I took a look at the sheet and made a mental note of the upcoming stops.  One at 27 miles, 40 miles, 53 miles and then the end. 

We started the second stage and I quickly lost my companions.   The wind was pushing me back so I put my head down and I kept pedaling as I knew that it was going to take a ton of mental toughness to finish the event.  I wanted to finish.  I wasn’t interested in quitting.  Let me say this again I WASN’T GOING TO QUIT!  I just kept pushing up and down and during this stage my speed slowed down and I found what ended up being my consistent cadence for the next 50 miles.

When we hit the second stop at 27 miles I was exhausted.  There was a gigantic hill just before the stop that was .2 mile long.  I know that this doesn’t sound long but when you are almost climbing vertically it appeared to be never ending.  I think Z told me it was the equivalent to 3 football fields in length.  As I saw it I shook my head and I realized that I didn’t have enough strength to try and power it up to the top.  I gave a token effort and then I decided to walk the rest of the way.  Let me say that is was hard work to even walk to the top of the hill.  I was very out of breath and fatigued.  When I made it to the SAG stop I got my snack of trail mix and Gatorade and collapsed on the ground until I was told it was time to move again.

I kept up with my two friends for about half of the next section until we reached a hill and my legs told me that it was already too much for them to push through the hurricane like winds and they objected to a hill climb as well.  I didn’t walk up this hill but I stopped at the base and caught my breath and then about half way up I stopped again.  My legs just weren’t interested in moving.  I hadn’t realized that there was someone riding behind me when I stopped.  Oops my bad.  He got around me but it was a close call.  I made it to the top and I kept pedaling and pedaling and pedaling. 

It was about this time that I needed a distraction and I decided singing would help me.  The problem with singing is when I bike and I am working so hard that I close my mind to other things. It is in a blank gooey slate.  No talking, no daydreaming and no thinking.  Just existing.  So when I decided to sing I had a hard time thinking of songs.  The only song I could think of was “Darling Nikki” by Prince.  Seriously…I just kept singing it over and over.

As I was about to arrive at the next Sag stop at mile 40 I considered collapsing next to my bike until it was time to leave again.  I imagined that it was all I could do.  Since I was worried that my companions would insist that I take a van back to the start and not finish I chose to stay vertical and not give them any indication that I couldn’t continue.  So I arrived and pretended to be OK.  I wasn’t.  Then I had work to do.  They had a big banner set up that you could paint on.  I was only capable of writing my name as my brain was mush.  I pushed some food in my mouth and waited for my friends to tell me that rest time was over.  This sag stop only had people who were doing the 100K and I felt that there was some nice camaraderie while we were there.  Everyone looked extremely exhausted from the wind and grateful for a break.  I talked to a few people and then we pushed off.

As I was riding I kept looking at my odometer and wishing that it would move forward faster.  I wanted the miles to go by.  I was soooo tired.  My legs were only moving because my brain was yelling at them.  Do it..push…do it…push.  I was feeling miserable and tired and alone and about seven miles into this stage I saw a mirage.  It was my two friends on the side of the road waiting for me.  But it wasn’t a mirage they were really there.  I was so happy to see my people.  As soon as I arrived I told both of them I was so happy to see them and I wanted to give them great big hugs but I would refrain because I was dirty.  I guess I get a bit emotional when I am spent.  It really helped me have a change of attitude and increased my spirit to see them.  It gave me the drive to continue on to the next stop.  It was only 7 miles away.  Push…move my legs up and down…push the pedal.  Damn…it was hard but I was determined to finish.

Mile 53 eventually hit my odometer I arrived at the final SAG stop.  I saw the most beautiful thing as I was riding in.  CHAIRS!!!!  It was the best site ever.  I went to the food table and I loaded up.  I had cookies, chips, Gatorade, and some other stuff.  All I remember is I had a lap full of food to consume and I was starving.  I didn’t wear my heart rate monitor but I suspect that I burned about 3000 calories during the ride.  As usual the rest break was short and it was very hard to pick myself up from the chair.  Em looked at me and asked if I was was oK…I said yes…and then she said are you sure and then I said No.  But what could I do.  I was determined to finish and I wasn't going to wash out.  I DID NOT want to be driven back to the beginning at mile 53.  I would have hated that and I would have been a bear to live with.  I would have moaned about quitting and failing.  I am sure that would have put a damper on the weekend.

Soon the three of us reluctantly started the final portion of our long journey.  It took forever to finish.  The three of us stayed fairly close together for this last 10 miles and I think it helped push me forward.  Conversation was minimal and our only thoughts were of the finish line.  The best site all day was the sign for the Vanderburgh 4-H center.  I was so happy to be at the end and still on my bike.  When I got off my bike I jumped up and down with joy and gave everyone a high 5.  The day was a success.  Even though this was the most grueling ride to date the satisfaction I felt when we were done was surprising. I felt like I could do anything at that moment.  I finished the ride in 5 hours and 45 minutes for 66 miles. That was a long ass time to be on my bike.   

I got to wear this pinned to my back for the entire biking event.  On occasion someone would come by me and say my name and then I had to try and figure out if I knew them.  Nope...it was just friendliness.