I will be using today's blog as cheap therapy. Thanks to Ems who planted the idea of the blog being therapy. Ok...here I go. I have been struggling the last three weeks with being happy about the state of my life. It took me a while to figure out why I was upset, and to set my head right, but it finally happened yesterday.
Lets start with the first problem. I like to suppress my emotions just like Spock. It is much easier for me to suppress them than it is for me to feel them and then react to them. It has become easy for me to suppress them after a lifetime learning how to do it. I usually do this with food. That is how I have come to be so overweight. This past weekend I used a different drug, alcohol. This didn't work out so well for me. After a horribly mortifying night I woke up on Saturday with a terrible hangover and a even larger amount of regret over my actions.
While I was recovering from the overindulgence in alcohol, I had two days to ponder my life and try to figure out why I was so unhappy (yes...it really took two days to recover). It became unavoidable to suppress my emotions over those two days and they came bubbling over. During that time I became a Zombie. It was almost as if my brain short circuited. I remember being at book club on Sunday morning and separating myself from the group. My eyes were glazed over and I was totally disengaged from my surroundings. It was very reminiscent of how my mother behave most of my life. I don't think she had much success dealing with her emotions either. It really bothers me to have to relate to her because she was so damaged.
My friend told me tonight that she has thought the reason that I keep myself so busy with activities is so I don't have to feel my emotions. She has a valid point.
This is the list of things in my life that I am currently dissatisfied with :
My job
My lack of love life
My finances
My relationship with family members
My body
My face
My job
My poor communication skills
My inability to diet successfully
My inability to be perfect
and being a quitter
I realize it is quite a long laundry list from a person who is normally confident and outwardly happy. Or at least I like to think that I am. I have had several of these dissatisfaction's for a long time and I have not been able to overcome them. However, I think I have become overwhelmed with too many of them lately.
The Diet
I had an epiphany about this over the weekend. I was watching The Biggest Loser and the blond contestant was having a fight with Jillian. Jillian was trying to get her to continue working out and she wouldn't and she wanted to quit for the day. Jillian pointed out to her that she is living her life in a bad cycle of failing and being fat, because that is how she has lived her entire life and she needs to move out of the cycle. This really spoke to me. I feel that this is what holds me back from changing my life for the positive. I am used to being fat and failing at diets so why would that change. It is all mental!
I think my unhappiness started when I decided to quite training to run the 5K. It allowed me to perpetrate my tendency to quit things and to stay as I am. This doesn't make me change my mind about wanting to run the 5K, but it helps me understand myself a bit better. I know I need to change the cycle of failing diets and just DO IT! Decide to become successful! Easier said than done.
I guess that is the only item from my list that I am willing to talk about at the moment. But, I will continue working on the others. I do feel that I am in a better place emotionally today than I was last week but it has been a battle. Unfortunately, I do find it easier to suppress the emotions than dealing with them.
Live Long and Prosper
6 comments:
Candy I am sorry you are struggling with these issues and so many at one time.
Lou
you said job twice in your list!
where is you list of things that you are proud of and what you are happy about?
everyone in this world would probably feel the same way about everything on your list.
acceptance is the key. accept who you are and start to love yourself, you are beating yourself up with that list. i could make a longer list, but i don't want to focus on my weaknesses.
Your list:
My job: who really is happy with their job?
My lack of love life: many people are unhappy with this one, divorce rates are high
My finances: in this day and time, not many are financially secure
My relationship with family members: there are famlilies who don't even talk
My body: why is plastic surgery so rampent?
My face: see above
My job: we went over this
My poor communication skills: many people have this problem
My inability to diet successfully: diet books are a big business because it is hard
My inability to be perfect: don't even try because no one is and no one ever will be
and being a quitter: that is why life is a challenge
where is your positive list????
AL
Let's talk on Friday. As you know I have the similar behavior and have had much counseling so we should talk. You are a phenomenal person and you have to remember that.
GH
Its funny to me how we think a like. Must be something to do with being
born one day apart. I have also been thinking about my life the last
couple of weeks and how I'm not where I imagined to be at this point.
Mostly career wise. I am happy with my family and the material things. I
would like to find a job that I could be happy at for more than a couple of
years, a career, a place to retire at. Where are these accounting jobs
that I hear about that people with bachelors degrees get paid close to or
over $100,000? How do I get there, I keep getting these dead end jobs.
That's why I started in Mary Kay, the money possibility is endless, but it
has nothing to do with my college degree and I've wasted that time and
money.
LK
Your job situation can be improved, as well as the state of your love life. As for any issues with appearance confidence, we need to schedule a trip to Macys and Sephora, there are many items there that can be of assistance. Sometimes subtle changes externally can lead to a dramatic, positive change internally.
That didn't work for Vulcans either, did it? They certainly seemed to think so, but it was notable that in the original series, there were very, very few shows that happened during Spock's time of emotions. (Is it just a coincidence that it was a five-year mission?) Well, there were certainly continuity problems ...
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to change a lot of things in your life. However, I think that making permanent changes takes a combination of time and work. Sometimes it can be easy to convince yourself that you have to change everything NOW; people who are hard on themselves can then create a situation where they're fixing 9 of 10 things on their list, but calling it a failure because one thing isn't being addressed.
Sometimes there's one significant item that is driving the others, and addressing this one will create improvement everywhere in your life. Other times, working in bits and pieces on various items might lead to overall improvement. Just remember all the good qualities that you have, and do what you can to keep the other things from weighing you down.
Post a Comment