Christmas Philosophy

Sometimes I have strange ideas.  Or ideas that don’t coincide with other peoples beliefs or traditions.  The religious meaning of Christmas is to celebrate Jesus’ birth and  what he did for mankind.  Being an Atheist has made me really think about why I celebrate Christmas and what meaning I put behind my actions and gift giving.  I decided the sentiment that I want people to feel is L-O-V-E.  Just because I don’t believe in God doesn’t mean that I don’t want to take this time of year to show my feelings towards my friends and family.

I don’t like to give “things” to people because I feel obligated to.  I often feel such a sense of requirement to get so and so a Christmas gift when I don’t know them and I have no idea of something that they would like or want.  I don’t want to get someone an impersonal gift card just because a gift is expected.  A PF Chang’s meal is nice but it is fleeting and isn’t often remembered for years later.  I tried to remember the gifts I received last year and I can’t .  But what I do remember is going to my sister’s house on Christmas day and then a few days later going to my brothers house to celebrate with them.  Also, I remember talking a walk with a friend at Fort Ben the week between Christmas and New Years in the freezing cold and discussing our respective Christmases.  I even remember slipping on the ice and falling down and then laughing hysterically when I realized I wasn’t hurt.  It is always the time with people that is most important to me.

Perhaps I have a longing for immortality but I want to build memories with the people I love.  So I tried to stick to that theme with this year’s gifts.  I thought long and hard about my three nieces and nephew in the area and I wanted to do something special for them.  I finally decided upon three outings.   First a trip to the local craft shop for some pottery painting, second is a trip to the Half Price Bookstore with a $5 gift card per child and finally I am going to take them Ice Skating.  I thought this all sounded fun and involved spending time with the children.  I want their childhood memories of me to be of these fun times because I am sure they wouldn’t remember what was so special about Christmas 2010 if I got them the latest fad toy.

My friends were a bit more difficult but I think I thought  of some good ideas.  I got someone concert tickets and another friend tickets to see a childhood acquaintance at the ISO.  I made some pies for other friends and quoting her “Broke my own rules” by also buying her a CD.  However, the bottom line is I want them to remember the pies and the concerts and spending time with me.  This is how I like to show my love and appreciation for my friends.

I have some family in Ohio that I will not be able to see during the holidays and I got a bit panicky about this last Friday.  I realized I had nothing for them.  No visit to Ohio and nothing special planned for them.  I broke my rules again and I bought them some video games on Amazon and had them shipped directly to their house.  It made me feel dirty.  A box from Amazon is just so impersonal.  It made me feel like I should have tried harder but I didn’t.  I will have to find a way to fix this in the future.  This philosophy is much harder for people many many miles away.  However, I do have a friend who lives in Florida and we decided to not exchange gifts but to go on a trip to Maine together this summer.  I think we both will appreciate that more.  Plus I know I will get to take her biking on this trip.  What could be better than that?

I was explaining this idea to a co-worker today and we entered into a rather heated debate.  She simply doesn’t understand me.  The crux of her argument centered around me making the presents about me.  Hm…like I was being selfish. She even insinuated that I feel this way because of the way I grew up and therefore I don’t understand gift giving.  I just feel differently about it.   Either I didn’t explain myself well enough or I am being selfish and I just don’t realize it.  She thought that the act of buying a  present or any present for someone is enough and the present shouldn’t involve me…ie taking a friend to a Cake concert. 

She told me a story of her father, an Army Sergeant, bringing men home for Christmas when they didn’t have anywhere else to go.  Then her mom would always have something tucked away in the closet for them.  Either  a package of socks or cigarettes or something they could use.  I feel the important part of the story was them asking the men to their house to spend the holidays with their family.  That is what they are going to remember .  They probably won’t remember the package of socks 2o years later but I would hope that they would remember the kindness of the Sergeant and the time with their family when they were alone.  This is where we disagreed. 

Merry Christmas to Everyone…and know that I try to make my gifts from my heart and sincere.

Gym Nakedness

So...I have been going to a particular full service gym for a few months and I have really enjoyed their expansive amenities.  But in the semi-privacy of the woman's locker room some of these women are fairly free with their bodies.

1.  I like to use the steam room.  It smells good and it is relaxing.  There is one aspect that isn't relaxing and it is the naked woman doing yoga poses.  Yes...she is completely naked moving her body in various yoga poses while I am siting in the steam room.   I don't get it.  Why do you need to make a spectacle of yourself.  Keep a towel around you.  I don't need to see so much of you.

2.  Naked talking.  I was getting dressed the other day and this women saw me wearing my new Jingle Bell Run T-shirt and she began to talk to me about it.  Yes...she was totally nude.  I didn't know where to look.  She proceeded to get dressed as we were talking and she did some "personal" things.  Like things I will not mention in this blog.  But personal...you know...while we were talking.  Ewww.  Where the hell are your boundaries?  During our conversation she mentioned that she was a nurse so maybe the profession explains it.

3.  Sometimes the opposite of this occurs.  I am naked and someone tries to talk to me.  Can't that wait until I have armored myself with my underwear?  I assure you anything you want to say to me can wait until then.  It doesn't take long. 

I don't think that I am overly shy about nakedness but there has to be some social etiquette that these people are missing.

There is no “Can’t” in Candace

Ems spouted this BS quote at me last weekend while we were running. I suppose it was said to encourage me to finish my run strong, but I am not sure it helped as it made fantasize about punching her in the nose. NOW she is encouraging me to participate in the Mini-Marathon in May. By participate I mean RUN the mini-marathon. I do believe she has lost her mind.

Every time she says encouraging things like “There is no CAN’T in Candace” I have a messed up tape in my head that says I can’t do stuff. However, with her encouragement and my ignoring the bad tape I began a couch to 5K program about four weeks ago. This week I am working on the week four workout redux. This workout has me running twice for five minutes. FIVE WHOLE MINUTES WITHOUT STOPPING. I think that will be a little less than .4 mile and very hard. During this week’s interval I am running a total of 16 of the 21 minutes. FYI…four weeks ago I would have said that was impossible.

Even though I have achieved what I deemed impossible a mere four weeks ago I still cannot possibly conceive of running 13 miles when five minutes is a challenge. But why?

A few weeks ago I was at a Rock Band party with several friends and I was playing the drums. The drums are my nemesis. They are hard for me and I don’t seem to correlate the sound of the drum stick hitting the drum to the pictures of the notes on the screen. If the beat is slow I can muddle my way through, but if it gets faster I cannot stay on beat. Sigh!!!

So I was playing the drums and I decided to play on the medium level for a while as I usually lounge in the easy level. I failed out. Not just once but I failed out three times in one song and that kicked me out of the song. Hm… I commented to my friends that in the year that I have been playing Rock Band I have never failed out of a song.

The first response I got was “If you have never failed out of a song then you must have never pushed yourself” and the others in the room nodded in agreement (I should mention that the room was full of athletic competitive males). At the time I ignored the comment off but I find that it is still haunting me.

If I have never failed….then I must have never pushed myself.

I quit running last year after two weeks. Was that failing or quitting. I suspect quitting. Why do I think it is better to quit than to fail?

Should I look at this as a challenge? I really really have a hard time believing that I could run 13 miles. I guess I could run and walk it but I WOULD NOT want to be picked up by the loser bus. Really…there is such a thing. If you don’t keep a pace to finish in an 18 minute/mile minimum pace they make you get on the loser bus. That would be four hours start to finish. Eeek. FYI my comfortable walking pace is a 20 minute mile.

It is interesting to me that I am scared of a 13 mile run but I think nothing of starting a 66 mile ride on my bike and I know that I will finish no matter what.  I no longer have any fear of what I can accomplish while cycling and I often think that I am Superwomen and I can do anything.  This is not the case with running.

Is it really fear that is preventing me from entering? Am I really afraid of failing. I think it is everything. I still don’t know. Like most people I really hate the feeling of failure. On a bike ride this summer I was scheduled to ride the 50 mile course and I discovered that my legs and body did not want to cooperate with me that day so I ended up doing the shorter course of 30 miles. I felt like a quitter and a failure all at the same time. It was horrible and I don’t want to repeat that feeling. Plus my friends got sick of me complaining about how horrible it was that I ONLY rode 30 miles.

Perhaps I should start with a smaller goal. Say running an entire 5K before I commit to a half marathon.

Why am I acting like such a dork?

So…do you remember this story I wrote in July? NO? It was where I went to see a production of Anne that highlighted my three nieces. I saw a guy I briefly dated the prior year and I got scared and tried to hide. I wasn’t successful and I ended up talking to him at the very end of the evening.

Guess What? I have to go back there. Damn!!! My niece and nephew are in a ballet production at the same location this weekend. I have to go. Right? I know he will be there. He has a side job recording shows at this theatre.

I know he will be there so I REALLY don’t want to go. Seriously! I have thought of about 1000 excuses as to why I cannot attend either performances and they are all lame. It would hurt the children’s feelings if I didn’t show up. I don’t want to do that but……

The thing is I cannot figure out why? Why do I have such an aversion to seeing this person. I don’t care about him but it still freaks me out.

So I know this is crazy and I should go to the show. But I can think of 10 other horrible things I would rather do than see this guy again.

1. Pick the dead lice out of the children’s hair.
2. Run for an hour.
3. Use the same towel for two weeks
4. Eat only mushrooms for a month.
5. Have my music erased from my iPod and replaced with contemporary Country artists.
6. Have five additional roommates just like the current one.
7. Wear the same clothes for a week.
8. Switch to Diet Pepsi.
9. Only read murder mystery books in 2011.
10. Watch General Hospital every day.


See…this aversion is very strong.

Fine…I will go but I hope little P and S understand the sacrifice I am making for them.