I accomplished my final and third biking goal of the summer on Sunday. Woot! Except that it seems a bit anticlimactic to me. I have met my goals but I am not necessarily happy about it.
These were my three goals:
1. Bike 1000 Miles
2. Bike 50 miles in a single ride
3. Get up the hill at Crown Hill without walking
I made the 50 mile ride on July 6th. This was a good ride and my average speed was 11.9 mph. I was happy with this ride and it was interesting to see my speed improvement in the last month. My current average speed is usually 12.8. I also have a few 50 mile rides scheduled later in the summer and those will not include any breaks and one of them has a hills. Eeek.
I completed the Crown Hill climb about two weeks ago and it was hard. My heart was beating out of my chest by the time I made it to the top, but I made it. I was very excited but I have no desire to duplicate this accomplishment. I would prefer to work on street hills and increasing my speed on something I would encounter in an ordinary ride.
Sunday was the big day for the 1000 mile accomplishment. I was really hoping to finish up in July but my schedule just didn't allow it so I made it on August 1, 2010. I was proud of myself as I had originally given myself until October to complete this goal. I had no idea that I would become even more passionate about biking this summer than I was last year.
The real problem in this story is that my pride quickly faded away to self doubt and being hard on myself. I always think that I can do better on a given task and then when I do better it is not enough. I had thoughts running through my head that said I should have accomplished the goals faster or quicker or at a faster speed. I just don't know why I cannot be happy with my accomplishments.
I want to be able to ride faster and I have improved but I don't think that it is fast enough. I started out the summer with an average speed of 10 mph and I am currently at 12.8. I want to be better than that without killing myself. I then fall into the trap of comparing myself to my friends. They can do things better and faster than me and it makes me feel inadequate. These are the reasons why I have avoided all things athletic in the past. I don't like feeling inadequate and if I don't even try then I never have to worry about measuring up.
Uggg...I just don't know what to do with myself. I want to be happy with myself and my accomplishments while still pushing myself but I don't want to feel inadequate. How am I to get over these dark and unproductive feelings? I keep trying to stay positive but the bad thoughts keep creeping back.
I had a conversation with a fellow biking friend this week that while good intentioned and necessary made made all of these dark feelings creep up. This conversation was about an upcoming 50 mile group ride (Hope Ride) that will occur in mid September. There are several of us attending this ride and all of us have varying degrees of ability and aptitude. Unfortunately, I am the slowest member of our group. I was told basically that I was going to have to ride by myself that day as they wanted to complete this ride at a challenging pace for them. I understand this and I respect the need to challenge oneself but it still doesn't stop me from feeling bad about myself. I could probably keep up for a while but it would kill me and then I would eventually fall behind. I don't want them to have to ride slower for me. They should ride their bikes the way that makes them happy.
I DO NOT like to fall behind! So what do I do? I have been rolling this around in my head for days. Should I just not attend and miss out on the fun? Should I attend and ride by myself? Or should I attend and try to keep up. My initial desire was to not attend any of these group rides but that seems like the extreme option. 70% of why I like biking is I like the social aspect of it. I understand that I cannot have a companion for every bike ride but these are the kind of events where having a companion is good.
I feel like my confidence is in an extremely fragile state these days and I would like to steady it out again but I just don't know how.
3 comments:
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Look at what you HAVE accomplished. I am proud of you. I should be doing this too. I guess I could ride with you and then you would be the fast one and I could have the inadequate feelings. Unfortunately, I only ride on my stationary bike.
Just keep working on improving. Maybe you should write about where you were a year or two ago and realize how far you have come.
LL
Candy,
I ride with you and I am the slower one and you know what? I still have a good time. But if you went all biking superstar on me, I probably wouldn't. Biking is your passion, try to find a way to keep negative people and negative thoughts from ruining that for you. If someone who rides faster than you made the comment you mentioned, I would have called them on it. Perhaps it wasn't mean-spirited, but I do not believe it was productive or supportive.
I tend to agree with D. To be a friend is to be supportive, and sometimes that includes putting a friend's needs before your own. Let others fly ahead of you, alone. Do not be drawn into the temptation to compete with friends. Competition belongs elsewhere. Learn from this experience so that you will know how to treat your friends when you are on the other side of the fence.
I say go on the damn bike ride. You know that you want to, so don't let others (or your own negative thoughts) keep you from doing what makes you happy. Listen to some music or an audiobook. Chances are that you will find a friend during the trip, too.
Post a Comment