Funeral Arrangements...I am aware that I am being morbid

While I was in the shower this morning I was reflecting upon the two funerals that I have recently attended. The thing that most came to mind was just how awful they were stylistically, and how I hoped that my loved ones would do me better when I was gone. I don’t want there to be a preacher…after all I am an atheist. I don’t want there to be some horrible organ music…gag. I would want it to be something that would reflect me and who I was during my life. So this is my idea of what the perfect funeral service for me.

First of all there would be no church involved…but I guess it would be necessary to have a funeral home. Please stay away from Peinert's in Tontogany Ohio. Do we have to give them all of our family business? I would want it in Indianapolis where most of my friends and close family live. Wendy…you would just have to suck it up and drive here. I would want my IPOD hooked up to the speaker system at the funeral home and have it playing the playlist of the 25 most played songs. This way it reflects the music I really loved at the time I died. If IPODS are antiquated when I die in 2073 when I am 100, then substitute the current trendy music storage system. Odds are that I will own it. I would like a big screen TV set up in the front of the room so when the funeral starts at 4pm (it needs to be in the late afternoon because I wouldn’t want my ghost to have to get up to early) it can begin playing my favorite movie. Currently that movie is Independence Day with Will Smith, but you can substitute in my favorite movie in 2073. I hope it isn’t anything too sappy. I would want there to be popcorn and cokes passed around for the movie portion of the ceremony, perhaps even some goobers.

After the movie is over there should be pizza (pepperoni, onion and black olive…after all it is my funeral and it should be pizza that I liked) and more cokes. Currently I am drinking regular coke…but who knows maybe I will be back on the fake stuff by then. Perhaps that is what killed me, or was it the aluminum in the deodorant? This pizza party should be pretty short as I know everyone is feeling uncomfortable at this point.

The final act should be driving to the cemetery to drop off my casket. I think I want it to be silver with green accents. I would like to be dressed in my favorite outfit…jeans, T-Shirt and sneakers with white sox. Before you close the casket don’t forget to put my IPOD and headphones in the casket with me. I know I will need it. Don’t forget the battery charger. Also…I think I will need my Amazon Kindle. It is important to have the proper accessories in the afterlife.

So these are my wishes as I see them today. Please follow these instructions as close as possible and don’t horde the insurance money and skimp on my wishes.